Hello???...............I'm not listening

The passage of time since my mother died is making this adjustment easier on me. Luckily (i think ) I had a tooth and gum infection set in shortly after wards that required some seriously extensive surgery to get rid of the tooth and fix the damage that was necessary to make to get it out. Anyways, that equaled plenty of pain and has taken my extra time to focusing on that after I do things for the wife and kids here.

So, thinking about her has lessened to the point I expect that very soon I will have my first day and possibly longer with out thinking about her. Both will be sad and welcome relief.

But I've not stood still throughout all of this. I am beginning to think about what my life's philosophy is and I am beginning to re-examine my outlook. I expect this will be a personal spiritual quest. I don't have much beyond that to share, so I will wait until that time to share it here.

I talked to two family members in the last week. My sister Teri and I talked for most of the hour. I still feel real bad for her because even though most of the things that need to be done are done, she's still exhausted and bewildered with her new life and that of her children. She also got a promotion at work that should help to make her life easier both financially and socially (with new hours). But she's still very angry, hurting, and it's going to be awhile before she can come to peace with all her feelings. She's just not ready to heal and let go of the pain yet and even then who knows what her mind set will be like.

I also got a call from my Aunt Gail today, kind of out of the blue. Teri mentioned to me that Gail wasn't doing well, which if you remember I said was obvious after Gail's telephone conversation with Traci. Gail and I talked about it, and of course Gail had a different perspective that didn't sound nearly as bad as what I was previously told was accurate--- no big surprise there. I took the quick way out and said that I didn't know what was said and didn't want to because it changes absolutely nothing. People are still upset about it (and the reasons they talked about it), nothing from the past has changed, and my mom is still dead.

But I think that Gail's reason for calling was to try and see how I was and just get a gauge of what I was thinking and feeling, which is to be commendable. She specifically said she didn't want to call earlier because she didn't know what to expect.

I was really caught off guard with this, due mostly to the pain I am in and the meds I am on.....I was unfortunately not on the top of my game (and because of that I think I did wonderfully since there was no fighting). But I don't remember exactly how we segued into different topics, but she brought up the division between my mother and I right before her death. I think she did a good job of not getting to judging me too much, but she was still a bit condemning of my actions. I had a chance to fire back about her own issues over a similar situation between her and my grandfather when he died and how that experience doesn't relate here, but with the risk of alienating her and causing her more pain or strife, I just repeated to her what I was upset about and why my actions were chosen. I actually started my reply by politely saying that it wasn't anyone's business but my mother's and mine. That all being said, Gail still went and made excuses for her and showed no understanding or even respect for me.

Next she began talking about my kids and how I need to be careful about letting things affect them through me and not to be poisonous and filled with vitriol when telling them about her. I tried very hard to focus on her motivation here, because I truly think she wanted to be helpful and protective. I am going to have to work to get past those comments because that actually really pissed me off. Regardless of being a parent, I am a much better human than to act like that. It's insulting to me to have someone, a relative especially, think so little of me that they think they're doing me a service. They have no previous recorded behavior to base that assumption on and have very little experience or knowledge of how I raise my kids, so it's fucking pathetic to me to take that stance. I'll get over it because I believe her heart was in the right place, but it just goes to show how much that they have no idea about who I really am, as well what my outlooks are on probably anything.

As I would tell Ivan my therapist, those are her issues to get over with, I just need to learn how to react to her and keep myself free from that type of shallow assumption making and conversation, which is about 85%-90% of how things are handled.

I won't be seeing Ivan until after the holidays, but one of the things we are going to work on and look at, is my desire to really break ties with all of my family once and for all. I don't want it to be a huge explosive battle when it happens, I'd much rather have things fade without commotion than anything else. We'll see.

Solitary

It's just about two weeks now since my mother died. I've flown through a ridiculous amount of emotions and feelings since then that I don't think I have anything left. I'm looking forward to my regularly scheduled therapy session tonight which I am hoping will help me find some perspective and start moving forward.

The hardest thing I am dealing with right now is that I don't feel connected to anyone any more. The thought of spending time with my friends is damn near revolting and stomach churning. Socializing seems very pointless right now because I don't see that it offers me anything and I doubt I would want to even contribute. Getting me to spend time with others is going to be like pulling teeth.

I just feel like I have so much work to do that it isn't even worth it to try and get together with people, regardless of the reason. To be quite honest, I no longer feel connected with anyone that I am friends with. I look at them, and besides the obvious polite conversation topics, they just seem to be bored by anything I bring up. So I don't. I usually take the excuse to watch the triplets and spend time with them and any other kids and pray for the time to pass quickly so I can make an early exit. I am sure it is all me, but I feel so disconnected from my friends that they seem foreign and strange. Maybe this is something to examine soon on here too, because even though I feel this way, I recognize it is not right.

At this point I just want to make sure I don't start hating people. Specifically my family. I know I don't want them in my life anymore, but I am having a bit of trouble shutting that door. It doesn't have to be for good, but honesty and logic suggest that it very well may be that way because they probably won't change. I think that once my sister has the final services for my mother here in Illinois that I will stop contacting anyone and just move on with my life. I think that is truly the best for me, and it's certainly the best for my wife and kids.

I wanted much more and for things to be so much better, but that was obviously never to be. And as I've said here before, I had control over myself, my words, and my actions, and I am proud of how I conducted myself in all those areas. Others had, and probably are still having, a hard time with them, but they are the ones who control their reactions,

I'll probably write more in a few days after I have had time to digest my therapy session tonight.

The Silence From Dreamscape

I mentioned last time that much of what I've been experiencing with memories has been dream related. Last night I had a particularly weird and disturbing dream. There is nothing too fancy about it, but in my dream I was watching myself, sitting in a wooden chair and words just appeared before me. They were initially random, like screwdriver or birds nest or lettuce, but eventually they became names, mean cruel names. As I watched this happening, I watched myself start to cry. It felt like forever as this happened, cruel words flashing in front of me calling me names, and I just sat there and cried by myself.

Eventually my family slowly became visible behind, talking to themselves and not even acknowledging me. My mother was there and so was my father, and all the while the words kept appearing in front of me and my crying seemed to be harder. Then the words stopped and snapshots of my life came into play, all sad and all continuing to keep me crying. I remember turning uncomfortably in bed while this was going and and I think I may have briefly woke a time or two during this. Then everything started switching back and forth between the mean words and images to the point they were intermingling. Slowly everything started to get dimmer and my family faded out one by one.

As it got darker and I was alone again I could see my face was red and swollen from my crying and I looked to be about 23 or 24 years old. As the last person of my family faded out, everything but the words and images were in shadows. I saw myself put my head down and put my face in my hands. I looked ashamed as I began to sob uncontrollably.

This went on for quite awhile until I suddenly stood up and wiped my eyes with my arm and just looked around at all the shadows and in the direction of where my family had been. After awhile I turned and looked at myself and I could see my face was still red and swollen and damp from crying, but it scared me because my eyes were bright red. I watched myself looking at me for a bit and then I shrugged and walked by to the chair, picked it up and beat it into the floor, shattering it.

Everything seemed to be getting darker and I could hardly see. The words came back and I saw myself look up at them and they were replaced by a picture of my wife and kids. They were all playing and the kids seemed older. They were running around on a path in some mountain, and the kids were yelling "Hike, Hike, Hike" with Meva leading the way. After a bit, Ryan started yelling, "Daddy, Are You? and looking around. Meva and the kids began looking for me and they all turned around and looked out of the image at me and began calling to me and waving. I watched myself watch this, wiping more tears from my face, and then I walked into the picture.

Everything else went black and then the words started to appear again, this time in front of me and I realized I was sitting in a chair. At that point I woke up. I was exhausted, had tears in my eyes, and I just felt terrible. I still do.

If you're into dream interpretation, there's a lot there to comment on. I see it myself.

I find it interesting that I had that dream and in reality my family isn't calling me. I really wanted, despite everything, to make sure they were OK and doing well, but they just aren't calling me, and when I do call them, it's a pretty short call in which it seems they are eager to get off the phone. So be it I suppose.

Nothing in the dream, no matter how terrible, makes me regret the choices I made. I know they were the right one for me and that everything I did it for and everything I thought would come of it seems to be beginning. The sooner it starts, the sooner I'll be through with it too, and that's what I am waiting for.

Rage & Legacy

I think I am a mess. An absolute and total mess.

I have so many emotions and memories fighting inside of me and influencing my mood and thoughts I am just barely able to function each day. Depression isn't even close to how am I feeling right now. In everything I feel and think, there is such a powerful and emotional intensity that rages within me. I spend the days fighting this and they end with me mentally and physically exhausted.

I'm not ashamed to say that the things my sister told me the night my mother died bothered me. Even though I believe that my mother now knows the truth of how I feel, I'm hurt that there was a chance my final words didn't make it to her, and because of how mentally unstable she was she didn't get to here those words for the last time. My god does that bother me. I could live with it if I had dragged my feet and didn't send my goodbyes in time, but I sent them almost a week before she died and my sister never said anything to me, and I just don't like the reasons I come up with as to why almost 4 days had to pass before I called her on it and she then told me she didn't get it. Those were important days, the last days of her lucidity, and it taken not just from me, but also from her. I don't even know if it's worth going into right now, the reasons for that delay, as I think I it would just set my blood pressure rising even more and require me to take another round of meds to calm down, and I have had more than I wanted to already. I'll have to look at it another time, but I am steamed about it more every time I think of it, and that's something I haven't been able to push from my mind.

On top of everything, I find myself examining the meaning of legacy, both in my mother's life and what it means to myself and my sisters. It makes me want to just lock myself away and cry for hours. There is so little positive to pull out of this. All the memories of her life seem to just stack higher and higher into pile selfish failure. The fact that I think this hurts me and the fact that it is true, hurts me all the more. Despite the selfish, wicked, or ridiculous things that she did to me in my life, I always wanted better than that for her. I rooted for her to turn her life around and take advantage of the opportunities she had, but she just never let it happen.

That leads me directly into wondering about my Legacy and what I will be leaving to my kids. I get so scared thinking about this, thinking that I have done a poor job, and that like my mother I may end up with a longer list of failures and unused opportunities. It's unhealthy to think like this, but it's there when I'm alone or trying to go to sleep. It's made me see things in a new light and that's led me to the realization that despite what I previously thought in my life, I'm not afraid of dying. I am afraid of dying incomplete and unfulfilled. That's a biography that would shame me to leave to my kids, and yet right now I just think of all I've not tried and experienced, that I'll end up just like my mother.

And yet, despite being on the outs with her and not really having spoken to her for over a year, I miss her. As crazy as she made me, and as miserable and frustrated as I often was after talking to her, I still wish she was here. I wanted her to be my mother and to turn her life around, but she couldn't and when she died, that was one of the worst things I have ever felt in my life.

Oh yeah, my family has pretty much stopped calling me now. It's only been a few days now since my mother was cremated and they had services for her, but I think that this is how the fallout of my actions is going to be.....................silence. The trouble with it is that the longer it lasts, the easier it to get used to and the harder it is break through. And when I think about the negatives..........

I'll write more later.

Transitions

Yesterday morning I got a call from my sister Teri. Sometime around 6:35am central time my mother finally passed away.

It hasn't been like I expected it to be, not at all.

Probably the most bizarre event is that I ended up talking to my father for over an hour. At this point, I don't even think I could mention very many specifics that we talked about, but for some reason we both just kept talking. I don't yet know how I feel about this, whether it was good or bad, but I find it definitely odd.

My mother's death, like her life was, is surrounded with drama. Instead of sadness, compassion, and celebration all I'm observing is that pain, judgment, and hurt are being passed out and around in the form of attacks, lies, delusions, and guilt. It's a shameful thing to see and I am saddened that I am related to it and involved in even the most minor degrees. Despite my opinions of my mother or the state of our relationship during the last few years of her life, I think she deserved better than this. These are the types of actions that underscore the reason for every decision I made these last few years.

I said the last time I wrote I expected that once my mother died, the drama would heat up and so would the anger or resentment about my actions. The first sign that this will very likely come true happened when one of my aunts verbally laid into my sister Traci for abandoning my mother during this last month of her life. I wasn't privy to this phone conversation, but I've been led to believe it was downright nasty. Regardless of whether she was right, my aunt should have kept her mouth shut as it was none of her business. Traci is an easy target for this type of attack, but what is the point of doing it? My mother is still dead, the past is still the same, and nothing has been ultimately changed other than to spread pain and hate around at a time when understanding and compassion are what is needed.

I'm sure my turn is coming, and although I hope to maintain a decorum in my behavior that will be an example to my kids on how to handle themselves, my deepest fear is that this will happen at a time in which I am unable to check emotions and filter my comments. I do not believe I would try to hurt some one's feelings, but my blunt manner and sharp wit often betray my best intentions.

Anyways, later in the evening, I finally called Teri back to check in on her to see how she was holding up. I'll never be able to express to her how much I appreciate what she has done over the last few months and that I think she brought a lot of peace, comfort, and contentment to my mother. And unfortunately she did it almost completely alone. It's nothing short of incredible and she absolutely deserves some time to herself.

Two things came out of my conversation with Teri that were upsetting to me. I hate to say it, but Teri told me that she doesn't think my mother understood what I had said to her in my letter by the time Teri had read it to her. Teri knew that I was sending that letter and did nothing to let me know she didn't have it for four full days! I had to inquire and force the issue. Apparently by the time that Teri did get it, my mother was already sliding to oblivion.

I am frustrated and hurt by this, hell I have to be honest and say I'm angry too, because I was told prior to her death that hearing from me was a big deal for her and then after she died Teri tells me that my mother died fully believing that I hated her and thought she was a scumbag. It's just ridiculous to me that as important as this apparently was to my mother, very little priority was given to see this though.

Teri pointed out directly that I should have called my mother and let her know I loved her and that I didn't hate her, that it would have given her peace upon death.

BULLSHIT!! That is absolutely not true. This is the second thing that upsets me and really pisses me off. It is an example of WHY I decided to stop talking to my mother. In all the conflicts and all the problems we had in our relationship I do not ever remember telling her I didn't love her. Even at my worst, when I behaved the poorest and shouted at her and called her names, I never once said or implied that I felt that way. I went out of my way to tell her that I did love her when we fought and when we got along. I would explain at great detail that unless she did something unholy evil to me, I would always love her. When she called me on my last birthday I again told her that I loved her even though I was upset.

She never believed me. Time and time again I would say it to her, but she would often question it. That was annoying and devastating. I stood by her as her son and my love was ignored or denied until she needed it, but then when she was done, it was forgotten and I had to profess to her again. My wife heard me have this conversation with her on a few occasions and said nothing to me other than the important thing is that I actually DO love her.

So, why would I believe that anything I did in the last few weeks would be different? Just because she was on her deathbed? Like it or not, she would not have believed it. She would have wanted me to prove it in some way, probably by coming out to see her, which I could not do in any way. Instead of it being an unconditional question of whether I loved her, I would have needed to prove it by meeting some condition of hers.

And this is the honest part I spoke of that will surely piss off family, but I truly do not regret my actions, especially over the past year. And I absolutely do not care if she died thinking that I didn't love her or that I thought she was scum. I never gave her cause to have those doubts and I know my actions stand-up to that test. And I also don't care because I know that where she is now, she has received the clarity to know the truth.

For those among us that she has left behind, you can choose to believe it or not. Those are your choices and you are responsible for making them and which ever one you choose has absolutely no affect on my belief.

It is now late and my children will need me tomorrow pretty early, so I need to rest for them.

Family Sucks

The holidays are always tough considering the shitbag of experience that is my life with my family, but it's even worse during this time. It seems that many of them choose to use this as a time to behave in the worst ways, or to have this time to spotlight their poor choices and faults so that they can cry to the rest of us so that we can help "Save Christmas" for either themselves, everyone, or my personal favorite, the children.

So this leaves me in the dichotomy of hating the holidays, but wanting them be everything they weren't growing up. I admit this is depressing for me, and dealing with the change of seasons and the whole "holiday Depression Syndrome" itself doesn't make for good times for me.

This year I've been working real hard not to get sucked into to all of the usual patterns, tricks, and negativity of my family and the season. My intentions are to make this the first of many wonderful Christmas Holidays for my children. I may never be able to smother them with toys, but I will due everything I can to make them fun, magical, and as exciting as possible.

But this year it seems that my mother is going to die, or at least that's what I get from here camp. Since I'm not there I have no way of knowing exactly what is happening and I am sure my sister Teri is probably feeling over her head in dealing with this, but I've heard this before. Teri even pointed this out to me last week when she called me to say that at the time she wasn't doing well and that they don't know how much longer she has.

In another post I'll explain myself better, but last year I chose to pull away from her and stop communicating with her. As she has marched closer and closer towards death's door, this decision of mine has begun to weigh heavily on her and the rest of my family. What's being said and how it's being said, I don't have the faintest idea. I have to be honest and say that I don't really care. Despite the heat I continue to get, and heat that will surely rise after she is gone, I will not change my position.

For my family members who read this, and as well as anyone else, I did what I did to protect myself and my family. It may have taken me 38 years to reach the conclusion, but talking with my mother brings nothing good. There is usually only hate, and lies, and manipulation, all of which serve to hurt and burn me. I just got to a point in my life where I was no longer going to allow that to happen to me and have that in turn affect my children or wife. Period. It's not the popular choice, but it's the right choice.

So, I'm on the phone with Teri, listening to her tell me how badly my mother is doing, and I'm trying to offer the most support I can considering my position, but it's not really much help I'm sure. And I get the feeling that what Teri wants to say, and won't say, is that I need call my mother. As I said above it isn't going to happen. But I relaxed my boundary just enough and offered to write a letter for Teri to read to her.

That was tough for me to do, but I thought I was as fair and honest as I could possibly be. I never said anything negative about her and even praised her in spots for things she had done in the past. But it took a lot out of me, but I felt a bit better having completed it. I sent it to Teri and I heard absolutely nothing back from her. I don't know what was happening, so I called her at work to verify if she got it and she of course said it never arrived to her. So with Teri still on the phone I resent it a few more times until she verbally told me that she had indeed gotten it.

I told her to read it to her if she needed to, but that I didn't want to hear back from her. Teri got a bit defensive and told me that it was out of her hands and that if my mother wanted to call me there was nothing she could do to stop it. So I expect some kind of call at any time really.

I don't know for sure if my mother has even gotten the letter yet, but I feel that what I said in it has been passed around and now everyone appears to be upset with me. So be it. I've been prepared for this from the get go and all I can do is control how I react, not their behaviors. And I know it's going to get bad because it's already started. My nephew David, Teri's son, who is a teenager and prone to drama sent out a bulletin on MySpace for me telling me I am a horrible person and that he hopes I die.

Yeah, that family of mine sucks. I wish that there was really something horrendous I had done that would justify there actions, but there isn't. But I am going to try and get past this and let is not affect me. Every minute that I allow myself to be angry or sad is a full 60 seconds of happiness that I've lost. They've all taken a lot from me, but I refuse to let them take that too.

Out of the Darkness

Even for this little blog, that last post was pretty bleak and black. Since I wrote that, I've struggled with whether or not I should keep it up or take it down. Although I find it partially embarrassing and quite over-reactive, I have decided to keep it for the time being. The purpose of this blog is to examine my feelings and issues as I have them, so I can work through them, and eventually solve them. Even though it's kind of painful, I think it needs to stay.

That being said, where am I now? Foremost, I am better. My wife and I talked, and while I can't say that I feel either of us were thrilled with everything we discussed, I think we are on the same page, and that is to work together to strengthen our marriage and our relationship.

To that end, I know I bring a whole bag of problems to any table I sit at, and they aren't easy to control or handle. But it is something I have to do. While a large portion, a huge fucking portion actually, can be laid at the feet of my mother and father, these are still my issues. It's hard to admit it and even harder still to act on it, but they are my responsibility even if they aren't my fault.

It boils down to how I'm going to let this affect me, if at all. I can keep trying to find a medication that can help me, but I think I've tried enough of them to know that any help they will provide me in either sorting out my chemical imbalances or just numbing my anxieties, they can't erase the past. All of the hate, abuse, neglect, and vitriol that my parents dispensed and that my sisters both ignore to varying degrees has to be addressed. Perhaps it's not just something I do once, but maybe I need to do this on a daily basis to remind me of what I must fight first thing before I am able to make the rest of the day a success.

Most important is that I get a handle on these issues for my wife and my children. While I owe them a sane and rational father and husband, more than that I owe myself the relief and tranquility of not being affected by them. And yes, I will have to do this alone unfortunately. The sad fact of the matter is that I don't think I can trust anyone with this process. What I said last post about not having people to turn to is still true, even though I know there are people out there that would listen, I can't burden others when I can't accept what they will say.

On the plus side, I have time to myself this weekend to try and sort out what is going on in my head and try to recharge myself. I've picked out a wonderful location (I think) to escape and take the time to just relax, unwind, and think about myself. Either way, I expect this to be a tough weekend.

Scared

I'm quite sure I've just had the absolute worst weekend of my life. I say that because now that it is over and I am back home from Ohio I don't think I want to be married anymore. It's not as though I want a divorce, but I absolutely can't have things stay the same. I just want to be happy and feel wanted again, and not just needed.

The truth of the matter is that the connection we once had isn't there anymore. I don't feel in sync with her and I find that I am sharing less and less of myself with her because I find I am derailed, denied, or talked to condescendingly and I just don't find her as the person I want to share my thoughts and experiences with.

I feel like I've tried to change every way I could think of to better relate to her, or to behave towards her, or on how to act in general, in order to keep our connection. I don't know what I can do anymore so that I'll feel like I'm understood, or valued, or appreciated.

Most of all, I wish there was someone I could just talk to about this, but the only people I trust are either so messed up themselves with their own relationships, or they're her family. So my only choice is to try and come up with answers on my own, and I'm apparently not smart enough to have found them.

I know it's cliche, but my number one worry is for my kids. I love them so much and I feel so guilty right now. I feel like I'm failing them and resigning them to a tougher and lesser life.

What I think I'm feeling is that I'm tired of trying because in the end it's all going to be in vain. I just wish I could take the hurt, lonely, feelings away forever.

Six Months

My mother had another of her health episodes again that resulted in a trip to the hospital. This time she apparently was able to avoid being intubated, which is impressive, but her breathing is a problem that isn't going away. So after a few days in the hospital the doctors gave her a diagnosis of about 6 months to live.

My family is already gearing up to begin the grieving process and trying to squeeze the most quality time with her that they can over the next six months. My sister Teri is talking about wanting everyone to come to Phoenix this year for Christmas because it will be my mother's last one, and my mother is reportedly echoing these same desires. My aunts and uncles are all making plans to visit her in the next month or so and even my nieces and cousins are all chipping in with well-wishes and changes to their personal lives while my mother struggles through these last remaining months.

And then there is me.

I am truly stuck at this point as to what I want to do. My sister and my aunt have subtly hinted and inquired as to what my plans are and they were nothing but polite and respectful of me when this subject was broached. I answered them both as honestly as I could by not committing to anything and saying I wasn't sure what I was going to do. I really don't know because I have many aspects pulling at me.

I can't ignore the fact that despite these recent developments with my mother, nothing has changed. For me, that's an entire lifetime of abuse, neglect, deceit, and betrayal that has not only gone unaccounted for, but she has continued to live in that type of selfish, self-serving manner that forces others to take responsibility for the consequences of her actions, or lack of action as is often the case. Awhile ago I made the choice to move forward and away from her and her lifestyle when she proved to me that she would always choose the way that brings her the most drama and attention without any regard to the feelings of her children or other family members who love her. Eventually my decision became obvious to her and she left me a tearful message telling me she wasn't aware of what she was doing and how I was so wonderful to her and that she loved me. I found it funny that even then she still refused to acknowledge her actions and own up to her behavior, but I am not surprised, and I guess that is really my point. How do I ignore the past?

I feel that if I were to just forgive and forget everything that I would be selling myself and my convictions short. I have a responsibility to myself and to my children to be honest and true to the decisions I have made and will make in the future. I wish I had pulled away from my mother decades ago and saved myself years of drama and pain, but I eventually did pull away at a time and place of my own choosing when I decided that enough was enough and that I deserved to be treated better. When my children learn about this, they will know that it is OK to stand up for yourself against anyone and anything that is doing you harm. I don't want them to think that it is acceptable to expect less. My actions are the guide they will use for their life, so shouldn't I provide them with the best examples?

In fairness, I expect my mother to make proclamations about her past and seek out forgiveness and understanding before she dies, that's natural to do when going through the last stage of your life. But it's pretty shitty when you think about it. Are we supposed to be treated like shit for 40 years by someone and then when their life is ending say, "That's OK, I forgive you for being a bad person!" Where is the fairness, or justice, in that? I wouldn't expect anyone to ever talk to me if I behaved even half as badly as she has over the years, so I don't see how her death is a reason to change everything. We all knew she was going to die eventually, we ALL die eventually, so how does this change a thing? It doesn't, it doesn't at all. Especially when she saw this coming for a long time and did absolutely nothing to prevent it and making things easier on her children, but she actively chose not to.

Perhaps I am horrible, but I also keep thinking that this is exactly what she wants. She has always been addicted to drama, and what better way for her to go out that to have a Terms of Endearment type ending where she dies too young and everyone is rallying around her bedside professing their love and sadness and vowing to live right by her. I just can't be a part of something like that. I can't and I won't.

This is all depressing. While I intended to talk about more, I just no longer feel like it right now. I'll have to finish this later.

Emotions I Can't Control

I don't have the time to write everything I want to, but basically I am so pissed off at my mother for the way she is forcing other people to stress out and go through pain while they watch her slowly die and no instructions for how she wanted this to end. She always thought about herself first and then her kids, and this is continuing even now. At this point they are giving her 5 months to a year to live---should she make it out of the hospital this time.

Maybe I'm selfish, but I'm only concerned with how badly I'm going to be treated by everyone when I refuse to get involved with all this. I hate her for doing this us, but it doesn't surprise me at all, since that's how she acting in her life. I'm probably a selfish person, but I just want this to end sooner rather than later.

Visits

Many times a year I get visits from people who love me and my wife, and now my family in healthy, equal, and unequivocal terms. While some of these people repeatedly rain upon of bags and boxes of toys and clothes and other oddities, the most important girt that they bring is themselves and their love of just being with us. I am so grateful for them and having them a part of my children's lives.

But they aren't always visiting. I also get visits from others who leave in a whirlwind of drama, stress, aggravation. Those are the visits that leave me exhausted, on edge, and having a little less will to be happy. They often want to suck me down to their level of unhappiness whether they realize it or not. Maybe it's unintentional and they don't even realize they're doing it, but I've also seen it ugly and deliberate, and I hate them both.

The key to both of these types of bad visits is nothing more than perspective and truth, but truth us the key. Without being honest to me and even yourself, you're just asking to take your unsolved issues and either snare me into their net with you, or you try to tie them onto me so that the guilt will way me down. My mother is a great example of this.

Part of the problems come from the fact that they don't truly respect me for the man I am, instead the treat me as a scapegoat or as a callous, arrogant target. It's not even worth listing they various reasons because my point is that those closest to me don't see what I have become, what I've accomplished, or what I've had to overcome. Their perspective is wrong because they've decided to let themselves view my not as I am, but as their fears, envy, and shortcomings have allowed them to paint me.

Instead of having a great ally who will give and sacrifice his time, his energy, and his knowledge to their advantage, they choose to condemn me with small words that sting but hold no ability to cause me any anquish on their own. What this does is looses them someone who could help them and support them. But I am lied to and often told portions of something that is supposed to be proof, but it's been so mangled and twisted that they think I would see the lies, or how they are building to manipulate me.

It hurts. It hurts more than most things I've ever gone through, because deep in my heart I've always wanted a big family that I could help them through their hard times.

It sucks. It's so unfair and yet it really is the family "treasure" that I will inherit some day. Unlike others in my family, I will make sure this doesn't get exposed to my children. They're going to know to trust their family no matter who they are or how messed up their lives may be. I will do whatever I have to to make sure my children aren't exposed to this.

My life and childhod were screwed up enough; I don't want this for my kids.

Taking Control

It seems like I've been struggling for far too long with little success with my depression. Since my stepfather Lou died, stress and BS from my family has largely calmed down and faded to the background, of which I'm very grateful for. Despite that, it seemed like I was suffering more and more without any real outside issues driving it.

Like I mentioned in my last post here, this feeling is so overwhelming and terrible that it just about cripples me. It's like a grand feeling of impotence that is wrapped around anger, self loathing, sadness, and despair. My life is seriously put on hold when it gets this bad, and I feel that everyone around me suffers along with me to a degree. This is something I hate.

There are two things about this that are frustrating. The first is that treating it chemically with prescription medicine is often hit or miss. Trying out different pills, for 2-3 months at a time, trying to find the right pill or combination of pills in the hopes of seeing some improvement can takes years to be successful, if at all. In addition to the further frustration of each attempt failing to help is dealing with side effects that can be painful, disruptive to your life, and in some cases make your depression worse. The second thing is that after dealing with this for so long, I'm aware of the habits and behaviors that either make me depressed or lead me further into it and there is nothing I can do to stop it. For those who don't understand, it's like hanging out with a group of your friends and knowing that you're going to act like an asshole, recognize when you're doing it, and knowing that you can't stop yourself.

Like I said, treating this with medicine can take years to get right, and I have reached a point that I don't find this acceptable. So after looking at how my treatment was going, how I felt, and how I felt those around me were being affected, I decided to take my treatment into my own hands and I stopped taking my medications cold turkey.

I figured that since I have become very familiar with the signs and bad habits of my depression and that I have been making really phenomenal progress with my personal therapy I could fight this on my own, mentally. At the very least I knew that if I wasn't successful, Meva would be very vocal about how I was behaving and that would be my sign to go back to treating it chemically.

First of all, Meva was very concerned and skeptical of this approach, but I was able to at least ease her fears by saying I would go back to trying medication if this didn't work. If I can't be honest that I might fail in this then I think it would be safe to say that I was definitely going to fail. Our friend Colleen, who also has battled depression for years, was even more worried for me and really took her time to check with me. I'm very lucky to have such great support and when I succeed it will be in large part because of them.

So shortly after my last post, I stopped my meds and immediately crashed. By that I mean I had two weeks of some God awful headaches, and pains that were a bear to get through. There were a few times that I almost went back to my depression meds just to stop it pain and then try to slowly ween myself off them, but I'm just tired of taking pills.

So I stopped taking everything, with the exception of pills for my headaches, and if my kids will allow it, I've been working on better sleep habits. Although it's been tough, I think it's been a success up to this point. Meva has made comments about how she's glad to "have her husband back again." That's probably the most telling sign of all.

It's not been easy, and I find some days are harder than others, but knowing the signs and behaviors helps me to avoid them or take action against them quickly. After almost a month, I'm feeling very good about this and I've had a few instances where I've noticed the bad habits creeping in and I've been able to squash them. For now I feel successful and as though I have this in hand, but this stage is the easiest (as scary as that is to say). Keeping vigilant and alert so that this success continues is going to be the hard fight!

But for now, my wife and my kids, and Colleen as well, are my motivation to keep strong and keep going. I can't ask for more than that.

You're now entering The Blue Zone

As I wrote on my other blog, I'm in a real dark place in my life that I often refer to as a blue zone. Other than my wife, I work hard to keep this hidden from everyone because I want to be strong and helpful to anyone that needs me. It can be exhausting, but I love my friends and they are worth it in spades.

One of the worst things about being in this zone is the utter lack of motivation that rules my daily life. I find myself struggling to not just be happy, but to be content. I'm slowly losing interest in the things I often find bring joy to my life.

It's scary to even think about because this is a path that is so obviously dangerous. My psychiatrist seems t o want to treat me with nothing but medication, one of which I feel does absolutely nothing for me, and the other I think may actually be having adverse affects that are feeding into this latest round of the blue zone.

I find myself wanting to spend my days doing nothing, either sleeping or crying, or both. The funny thing is I hate naps and I hate crying, yet I fight these feelings and urges daily. It leaves me exhausted and mentally drained. I admit to being lost and not knowing what to do. I know I need help, but I don't know what kind. I feel myself fighting against my therapy and my psychiatrist, not intentionally, but because I feel so lost and overwhelmed I just don't know how to help them help me.

As I run things through my head over and over each day, I find myself wanting to embrace nature and challenge myself life never before. On my own, to get my bearings and center myself. I feel this is long overdue and just might provide enough solace to help me through this. I also want to go back to teaching and earn some money to make my family's life easier and more productive. Both are hard when you routinely lack the energy and motivation to even clean the front room.

To the few people who read this, I share my thoughts as a way to explain any distant or strange behavior you may have noticed. Please know it's my yolk and it's only something I can carry.

The Clash Between Apathy & Guilt

Almost six months ago to the day, my mother was in the ICU fighting for her life with breathing problems. To make a long story short she hurt me and I felt betrayed by her actions after she recovered. You can read about that in detail HERE on my original post. I bring this up because this happened again in an almost mirrored sequence of events to the last time.

I feel extremely awkward at this time since I have almost completely removed myself from my mother's life after this last event. The only time I talked to her was when she called me last month on my birthday (despite knowing I didn't want to talk to her). I was very polite, but I gave one word responses and did not engage her in any way to further the conversation. I was enraged that she called me, because I knew she was aware of my wishes and I wasn't ready to talk yet.

The sad part is that through my counseling with Ivan, I was getting very close to the point that I felt I could have a conversation with her and present my feelings and positions without blowing up in a loud rage. Her phone call set it all back and she left Illinois and returned to Arizona to live with my sister Teri.

So here we are with my mother back in the ICU and unable to breath on her own, potentially close to death, and I am not on speaking terms with her. I may never get the chance to have that final conversation with her, and this is where the guilt begins to creep in. Make no mistake that I still deeply care for my mother and I do love her, but the events of our past have led to near dissolution of the mother-son bond. I feel very strong that she is responsible, wholly responsible, for that situation, but my morals and values are such that even if I were to come to a point that I told her I would never speak to her again I would still be grateful to her for giving me (and by extension my children) the gift of life. In addition I would still love her and continue to hope that she would correct her routine of bad choices and get her life turned back around.

Yet despite the above, I am quite apathetic to this current crisis. My wounds from the last one have not healed and even if she was back here I would be loathe to visit her or take on any responsibility because of the betrayal from the last time. The apathy wouldn't be over whether she lives or dies, and for the record let me state that I really do hope she makes it through this crisis, but over events and decisions that are currently being made. This apathy comes from the fact that I can't do anything about what she's going through because like an idiot she did not set up the living will I had been imploring her to do since she came off of life support. There is also the resistance I would get from the rest of my family and that their fighting would also render me powerless in this instance. Since I have no power or influence to assist for all the above reasons, apathy is now in effect. The end results will play out with out me.

This situation just makes me wish I would have had a better life growing up and a better family. Yet this is what I was given to work with and overcome, so it is what it is. Basically my family sucks is the mantra here. I feel that it is irrelevant what I say because no matter what I will be vilified for my comments, actions/inactions, and recent past and stance. To that I couldn't give much of a shit.

That last statement comes into play because once again my mother is on life support, which is against her wishes. When I talked to my sister Teri about this on Thursday night I felt she was rather defensive and a bit rude. She seemed upset that I had called to inquiry about situation and how I even knew about it. Despite that, I asked her three important questions:

How was mom doing?
Was she intubated and on life-support?
Did the hospital know what her wishes were?

Unless I find out otherwise, I will believe that my sister was just stressed out and frustrated with everything that she was now responsible for. Who wouldn't be?, I know I would. But I also got the impression that Teri felt I didn't have a right to be inquiring. She said nothing to this fact, but it was just an impression I divined from her tone and choice of words. None of the above troubles me beyond one point, and that was her answer to the third question.

I'll be blunt, I feel she lied to me. She said the hospital told her that since my mother didn't have a living will the hospital would make the decisions concerning her treatment and that there was nothing she could do about it. Although the Living Will and DNR laws do vary from state to state, I didn't imagine them being too much different from the laws of Illinois, which state that in the absence of a living will when the patient is unable to possess full mental capacity, decisions will be made for them by a spouse, or if one isn't available, then to the patient's children. Back here in Illinois that meant Teri, Traci, and I were the ones who would make the choices regarding her health and medical care. Unfortunately a majority rules and Teri and Traci were overcome with the emotional state of the situation and vetoed my desire to honor my mother's wishes.

But Teri led me to believe things were out of her hands and that she didn't have a right to make a choice. Well, after searching through a few thousand health statutes in Arizona's law records, I discovered that they are almost identical to those in Illinois and that Teri did have the right to make choices, yet she told me she didn't.

As soon as she told me that and I smelled a lie. I said nothing because arguing over the phone with her wouldn't have done anything but made things worse. She then got off the phone with me rather quickly; I think this was because she didn't want to hear my further questions nor come up with more lies if needed.

The saddest part is that I am apathetic to this situation and there was no need lie. Had she come forward with the truth I would have told her that she was the one in charge and that it was her call to make; that if my mother really wanted to avoid this, she would have taken care of this over 6 months ago (and had she created the living will in Illinois, it would have been honored by Arizona). Then I would have asked her if there was anything I could do for her. But she's very much like my mother and sees me the based on some sort of distorted image she's built up over the years instead of judging me by who I am and my actions.

This just serves to feed my apathy and add to my guilt. Apathy will win out because I've developed some finely detailed boundaries for dealing with my family. I'll still love my mother and if she ends up dying I will grieve her. I also try to believe that Teri's responses were more in line with ignorance of the law on her part, mixed in with her own (selfish) desires. I don't fault her for the latter because it's an incredibly weighty situation for anyone to deal with, and bless her heart she's going it alone.

In the end I will most likely be branded an asshole by people with stunted moral growth and emotional inadequacies. I really don't care though because I'm proud of how I've handled myself through this and of everything and since that's the only thing the only thing I can actually control, it is how I will judge myself.

Numb

This is not an easy post for me at all, and even as I begin to write it I'm not really sure what I'll be saying or how much.

Anyone who has visited this blog knows that from time to time I have skirted around the issue of a deep dark family secret. It's the worst kind of secret and I need to vent specifically about it. As a result, this is potentially a post I may end up deleting, but I have to get it out there.

Easter evening I received a frantic phone call from my youngest sister. She was crying and in hysterics because she had finally decided to tell people that her father (my step-father from my mother's second marriage) had raped and molested her throughout the years. It started when she was 4 yrs old and he took her virginity and happened again when she was 8 yrs old.

She is a total mess and luckily she is getting counseling while she goes through this. I'm at a point where I am fixed with anger, confusion, hurt and concern. She was so emotionally distraught that it was hard to get any solid information about these terrible events, so it's left me impotent on how to act or what to do. I suppose patience and time will reveal the path I'll take throughout this time and how much I can help my sister.

This sister of mine has always had a tumultuous relationship with me because I didn't approve of her life choices. With this new information finally out in the open, the whole dynamic of out past has to be viewed in a different light. That won't be easy. I can only hope that she can find the strength to overcome this tragedy for herself, her marriage, and her children.

In the mean time I an waiting by the phone ready to offer any support I can give her. My years of teaching and schooling have given me a better insight into these types of cases and what the victims go through as they start to deal with these issues and I hope I can provide her with a compass or grounding to assist.

One of the things I am not feeling is survivors guilt or guilt in general. For one thing I wasn't aware of what was going on because I was a child, and two, since I was a child I would have been powerless to have stopped it. I just feel hurt that it happened at all.

Tomorrow I have my appointment with Ivan, which should be a doozy, I'm, hoping to be able to get some additional help in making sure I don't let my frustrations and anger get the best of me and lash out at my friends and family around me. Hopefully I'll have more to write about tomorrow.

The Void of being Orphaned

It's been exactly two weeks since my dad Lou died and I miss him dearly. That's not a surprise considering what he meant to me, but I didn't think the degree would be as strong as it is. Don't get me wrong, I haven't been stricken down with grief or remorse. In fact I think I think the last 8 years gave allowed me to appreciate and prepare for when that day came. To be on the safe side, I threw in an extra session with Ivan in case I needed it.

During this session, everything seemed to be going fine, discussing the impact of my loss and the void that now exists.Even Ivan agreed that I was doing well handling the situation. Then he through me a question that caught me off guard:

"Do I feel abandoned by Lou's death?"

In all my thoughts about loss and grief and trying to remember and honor him I never once thought about it in that way. It's burned at the back of my mind since then and when I'm alone I find myself really considering the ramifications of that. Initially I wanted to dismiss it, but I don't think I can.

Although this instance was just a natural end to his life, I am once again left with a fatherless void. I suppose the part that really gets to me is how my own father has abandoned me. The fact that he's alive and still not making any effort to fix our relationship. It's all a smack in the face to both myself and to Lou, who stepped in when my dad wouldn't.

I guess I'm saying that this is a bit harder for me than I thought it would initially be. Not only was I abandoned by my natural father, but to a degree I was also abandoned by my mother, albeit in a different fashion. She remained behind and I was the one who finally stepped back and stopped contacting her, but her actions from my childhood served as an abandonment because she was more interested in pursuing her own desires and interests instead of being a parent to me or my sisters. So when I think about it from that perspective, this is a difficult time.

So what are the lesson(s) I'm supposed to take away from all this? Yeah, that's the toughest one. It's obvious that I have to always remain constant in being involved in my kids lives and give to them what Lou gave to me and what my own parents never did.

I also keep coming back to one of the last things that Lou said to me. He told me to take care of myself and to take advantage of my youth, my health, and the time I had remaining. Slowly, that is lighting a fire in me to do the things I want to do with my life because when it is all said and done, I don't want to be regretting the things I didn't do like Lou did on his death bed. It reminds me of a quote that's attributed to Mark Twain that goes something like this:

"Twenty years from now you won't be regretting the things you failed at, you'll be regretting the things you never tried to do or make happen."

And that's where I'm at. It's hard to think about it and decide how best to honor the final wisdom that Lou passed on to me. I only wish I had a parent to talk to that I trusted.

Updates and Projections

I'm facing a bit of a crossroads right now with many of the issues I've talked about here. It's hard sometimes to devote the time to thinking about them as it's much easier to not deal with things and focus on the regular issues that are pressing to my immediate family. Things like my kids, the bills, and finding a new job.

My sessions with my therapist continue to go well, and I'm thankful for them. I can't believe the peace that I get from the sessions. It's important because it helps me find a center and allows me to function better and see myself more clearly. It may not appear that way to those around me, but I know my train of thought and I know the difference between how I am processing my life before and after a therapy session. I also know how different it is now compared to how it was prior to starting these sessions.

So, after a bit of a lull, things have picked up in regards to some of the issues I've had and been struggling with. I think the easiest one to talk about first is my father.

I'd be remiss if I didn't use this space to say what I really feel about the man. I basically think he is a tortured man who is mostly a coward, definitely a liar, and a very good manipulator. I can see why he and my mother were attracted to each other when they were younger due to some serious overlap in those traits.

Now, before I go further I need to explain something a bit more than I have in past posts. Previously I've commented on some terrible dark secrets taking place in my childhood without ever going into detail as to what they were. As of this time, I'm still not going to do that. I will enlighten those that read this that I am not centrally involved in this; point blank it didn't happen to me. It still bothers me and it does influence my behavior. It is not even close to being the driving force behind my actions, but its there.

In recent developments, my sister Teri talked to my father about his knowledge of these dark secrets based on what he and I talked about. He lied to my sister about what he said to me. When I talked to him, he acknowledged that it happened, that he knew about it, and that someone else in my family was also aware (but he wouldn't name that person). When Teri asked, he downplayed the incident and completely fabricated what he said he told me. For whatever his reason is/was, it still pisses me off to no end. I'd like to punch him in his lying fucking mouth. Teri says she knew he was lying, probably because it's obvious, but it just sucks that at the age of 60 he still can't be a man and own up to the truth-----especially on a subject that doesn't directly involve him.

I am honestly at the point where I am ready to cut all ties with the man because I just don't see him as someone I even want in my life, and I also don't think he wants to deal with us anymore. I don't know how happy it would make him to know, but he's real damn close to getting that wish. I told Teri that I believe I have the energy in me for one more meeting with him and barring any surprise revelations or changes in his attitude, it could be the last time he sees me or hears from me.

Should I decide to cut him out of my life, I think I need to be honest and say that nothing is ever set in stone and unable to be reversed. But it's a path that won't allow for him to meet his grandkids or for me to speak with him again. That means that should a family get together happen I will diplomatically shun him and if he tries to talk to me I will be as polite and frank as I can in my reminder to him as to why I'm not talking to him.

There are two drawbacks to this form of action though. I want to have a relationship with both of my brothers. We've made small first steps to get this rolling; its too early to say how that would go if things could be repaired with my father. But with the two of us at odds, it's sure to make this harder. I would respect each of my brother's decisions if they didn't want to stay in touch. To them I expect they think my father has been a great dad to them, which by everything I can see, he has. Having me around as a perpetual destroyer of myth may be more than they're willing to handle for their selves and their children (whom I'd one day love to meet.)

The second drawback involves my kids. Although he's known about them since they were born and has supposedly visited their blog, he's made absolutely no attempt to get in touch with me or try to see them prior to my meeting with him last month. I'll be damned if I'm going to let him waltz in and take partial credit for anything to do with them by playing the part of the proud grandpa. They already have two grandfathers; my wife's dad and my adopted dad Lou Cicirello Sr, who I love dearly and was there for me with advice, love, and openness when I needed it most. To me and my kids, he is their grandpa, and we will always think of him as such.

In more succinct terms, my father is on the way out the door and out of my life on a train of his own actions and poor choices

That brings me to my mother, and that's a whole other bag of tricks right there. I've tried to be diplomatic and as fair as possible in dealing with her, and despite the emotions that come up, I'll still attempt this, but I'm also not going to pull any punches either.

First off I have no idea why she feels the need to have her cousin Jan read these posts to her over the phone. My mother is staying at her sister's house and she could just as easily read this on her own. It was different when she lived with my sister Traci and they didn't have internet access, but now it feels almost dirty, like two old ladies gossiping over the fence. I don't care if Jan sees this, or anyone for that matter, but the whole thing comes off as odd to me. And before anyone asks, all the information as to who looks at these sites is recorded for me and I can see that and a slew of other information about their visits.

I have not spoken to my mother since October 15th. It was a Monday and it was two days before I had my left hand reconstructed with pins and screws and other fun stuff, so I remember this vividly. I know she's been pestering my sister Teri about how upset she is that I haven't called. The funny thing is that I didn't call on Thanksgiving, I didn't call on Christmas, and then recently I didn't call on her birthday. It should be obvious I'll call when I'm damn good and ready to. One of her biggest concerns is that she believes she'll never get to see my kids again. I'll be completely honest here and say that is absolutely a possibility. Nothing has been decided about that yet and it's nothing I've been specifically thinking about either, so it's not like I'm leaning one way or another. That's something I'll have to examine more at a later date.

I'll be honest and I'll say that those dark secrets of my past have something to do with this stance I have with my mother, but it's far from comprehensive. There are so many other issues that I have with her, it's not even funny. Frankly I find it offensive that she would think she's entitled to anything from me at all at this point. For those who may not remember or haven't gotten any specifics as to why I have these issues with my mother, let me remind you that these are things that happened as a child and a young adult and even as an adult. She's lied to me about reasons for borrowing money, she's stolen money from me by writing bad checks on a checking account I had (that she was listed on for emergency purposes), as a child there were several instances when she beat me with large objects like baseball bats and motorcycle helmets, she blatantly favored my younger sister Traci over Teri and I to such dangerous levels that we ended up becoming homeless due to her not paying rent and other bills that she could have afforded based on her income at the time, belittled me in front of her friends and our family members for situations that she caused, her role in the whole "Dark Secret" issue which I still haven't been able to get a full absolution of, repeatedly telling me and my sisters that we were a burden and that she wished "I never had you fucking kids," strangely that would often happen whenever we'd do something that was either a normal kid thing or something that would interfere with her attempts to go out or go after a man, and then finally there was her betrayal at the hospital.

That's all really the tip of the iceberg and I could go on with more and more nasty stuff, but I'm really not trying to piss on her. Sometimes I need to vent a bit and recite some of the many things she's done in the past. It is a necessary and healthy part of my therapy. The reason for this is that she's not a very nice person. Her actions speak louder than any words she has ever said. Even to this day she continues to be a burden to her kids and family when she's at an age (59) in which she should be working and living on her own. And despite her issues that inhibit her, she doesn't make any real attempt to correct this. As a parent the last thing I would want to do to my kids is to take away their freedom to live their own life and instead have to take care of me when I'm at an age and health in which I should be taking care of myself. All of that is really the issue for me.

I've seen her use my sisters kids like peons, having them get everything for her so she doesn't have to get out of her chair. I've seen her directly counter the wishes and desires of my sisters in disciplining and raising their kids, and manipulating them. She plays favorite with the kids too. Her hold over my nephew David is so strong that he was floored to hear that I actually love my mother. He literally had to be convinced that this wasn't a lie because he said that's not what his grandma has told him. I don't know how that happens or comes up, but its very existence is sad and damaging to me.

What it boils down to is that if I take the fact that she is my mother out of the equation, this would not be the type of person I'd want to associate with, let alone expose my kids to. But when you make this person my mother, then the results are that much more damaging and dangerous to all those around her.

So where am I? I don't know. I feel that I am in a losing situation no matter what I do. I'm going to wrap this up because it's late and I have a psychiatrist appointment in the morning and I need some sleep at least. In the end I have some really shitty parents. Parents who have lied, manipulated, and in some cases stolen from me and I just don't know if it's worth it to continue to have that stress in my life or to expose my children to them.

The point of this blog is and has been to be an outlet for me to discuss my feelings without interruption. It's important that I say this from time to time so that it reinforces my motivation to those few family members I have that read this. And just as I said when I started this blog, once I am at a point that I feel at ease with these issues, this blog will be going away.

Quandries and Insomnia

The whole issue of being bi-polar has really been weighing on me for the last two weeks. I was really set against it, for all the reasons I elaborated on in my last post, but my therapist put an interesting spin on the entire issue when she hinted that I might never be able to deal with my out standing issues and depression unless I have that checked out and determine if I indeed have that and exactly to what extent it is effecting me. There must have been something to that because in the days following my last session with her, I've really dwelled on that and it's got me curious enough to proceed for the time being. To that end I've arranged for a meeting with a psychiatrist on the 31st of this month.

Despite that, I'm not happy about this. It may be pride, or ignorance, or a mixture of both, but I find this prospect to be demeaning and it makes me even more depressed. Instead of having a self image of strength and power, I feel broken and empty as a result of this. In many ways it feels like I've opened Pandora's Box and I've been swallowed by apathy. It has become an almost impossible struggle to just complete each day's tasks and responsibilities. I'm at a point where I just want to be happy and healthy, but the harder I try to get to that point, the more I discover problems. I truly feel alone in a way I've never felt before.

My bouts with insomnia continue and I find myself wondering about my family. Although my therapist says I've made great strides, I still feel an incredible amount of anger at both my mother and my father. Sometimes I sit up at night in my chair, pondering everything they've done to me its all I can do to keep myself in check and not let out a giant yell or search for something to break.

The problems with my mother are deep, too deep for me to fully explore even here. The worst part is that I'm at a point in which I'm forced to wait patiently as other pieces of that game are played before I can move again. Yes that's cryptic, but I do have family who read this and until the past is brought to light, I have to be guarded.

My father presents his own unique set of problems. It's been about a month and a half since I talked to him and I keep playing the whole conversation over and over in my head. I realize that from the very first exchange I was in shock by what he said and even how he looked. Of course as he continued to open his mouth and spit out lies and surprises I truly found myself at a loss and unsure of exactly what to say or do. His revelation that he knew about the ..... dark parts of my childhood, still leave me bewildered by his inaction. For me that has redefined him to the point that I feel I have more in common with a bear than I do him. I can't ever accept his reasons or excuses and I feel I need to tell him this in no uncertain terms and let the chips fall as they may.

On the other side of all this, I've now had contact with both of my brothers. I'd truly love to talk to them more and possibly rekindle our relationships, but I'm concerned the rift between my father and I may not allow this. No matter how horrible and despicable my father was concerning me, he was the exact opposite to my brothers. Where I may loathe him, they will rightly love and admire him. I don't know if they'll ever be able to accept how I see him. So I go back and forth with wondering whether or not I should pursue these relationships until I've had a chance to talk to my father one last time.

One More Thing

As I've continued through this little journey of mine, I've had my shares of ups and downs, which I've tried to share here on my blogs. I think overall I've handled things well and made great strides. Hell, I'll even go so far as to give myself credit and say that I don't think most people could handle my affairs with the success and aplomb that I have.

Despite this, recently Meva has grown increasing concerned over my behavior. My recent bouts with insomnia and sleep got her to thinking and she had me go through a test and believe I may be bi-polar, suffering from a less dramatic sequence of manic episodes. She'd like me to meet with a psychiatrist a drug program to help control my manic episodes.

It's not a shock that I'm not too thrilled about this latest turn. My whole point in going to counseling was to heal by confronting my past and my family that have served to be huge debilitating issues that reach from the past into the future. Suffering from bi-polar disease would be another hassle for me to deal with at a time in which I already have a full card. It's really more than I want to tackle right now, and here's why.

The test Meva gave me isn't definitive, but its portent is strong. What would happen next would be a more thorough interview with a psychiatrist who will evaluate me and then begin prescribing a series of drugs to deal with this. Obviously there will be side effects to whatever I'm prescribed, but it's worthless to think about at this time. What concerns me is that finding the right combination and mixture of drugs isn't always easy and often requires many visits and adjustments to whatever cocktail they come up with. Again, more hassles that will make my already difficult schedule even more hectic, not to mention the costs of the office visits and pills.

Overall, what concerns me the most is the effect the drug treatment will have on my mental capacity. The last thing I want is to become sluggish, dull, and unable to focus. It can get to a point that you no longer feel like yourself anymore and I've heard stories about it really making people apathetic to everything.

This is the exact type of development that could interfere with my counseling and progress, let alone my mind in general. Could it effect my writing, either in desire or proficiency? I don't know. This is what I'll be weighing over the next week or so. Getting "better" at the potential cost of losing myself is a difficult decision to make and one I'll need to research more.