Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Hello???...............I'm not listening

The passage of time since my mother died is making this adjustment easier on me. Luckily (i think ) I had a tooth and gum infection set in shortly after wards that required some seriously extensive surgery to get rid of the tooth and fix the damage that was necessary to make to get it out. Anyways, that equaled plenty of pain and has taken my extra time to focusing on that after I do things for the wife and kids here.

So, thinking about her has lessened to the point I expect that very soon I will have my first day and possibly longer with out thinking about her. Both will be sad and welcome relief.

But I've not stood still throughout all of this. I am beginning to think about what my life's philosophy is and I am beginning to re-examine my outlook. I expect this will be a personal spiritual quest. I don't have much beyond that to share, so I will wait until that time to share it here.

I talked to two family members in the last week. My sister Teri and I talked for most of the hour. I still feel real bad for her because even though most of the things that need to be done are done, she's still exhausted and bewildered with her new life and that of her children. She also got a promotion at work that should help to make her life easier both financially and socially (with new hours). But she's still very angry, hurting, and it's going to be awhile before she can come to peace with all her feelings. She's just not ready to heal and let go of the pain yet and even then who knows what her mind set will be like.

I also got a call from my Aunt Gail today, kind of out of the blue. Teri mentioned to me that Gail wasn't doing well, which if you remember I said was obvious after Gail's telephone conversation with Traci. Gail and I talked about it, and of course Gail had a different perspective that didn't sound nearly as bad as what I was previously told was accurate--- no big surprise there. I took the quick way out and said that I didn't know what was said and didn't want to because it changes absolutely nothing. People are still upset about it (and the reasons they talked about it), nothing from the past has changed, and my mom is still dead.

But I think that Gail's reason for calling was to try and see how I was and just get a gauge of what I was thinking and feeling, which is to be commendable. She specifically said she didn't want to call earlier because she didn't know what to expect.

I was really caught off guard with this, due mostly to the pain I am in and the meds I am on.....I was unfortunately not on the top of my game (and because of that I think I did wonderfully since there was no fighting). But I don't remember exactly how we segued into different topics, but she brought up the division between my mother and I right before her death. I think she did a good job of not getting to judging me too much, but she was still a bit condemning of my actions. I had a chance to fire back about her own issues over a similar situation between her and my grandfather when he died and how that experience doesn't relate here, but with the risk of alienating her and causing her more pain or strife, I just repeated to her what I was upset about and why my actions were chosen. I actually started my reply by politely saying that it wasn't anyone's business but my mother's and mine. That all being said, Gail still went and made excuses for her and showed no understanding or even respect for me.

Next she began talking about my kids and how I need to be careful about letting things affect them through me and not to be poisonous and filled with vitriol when telling them about her. I tried very hard to focus on her motivation here, because I truly think she wanted to be helpful and protective. I am going to have to work to get past those comments because that actually really pissed me off. Regardless of being a parent, I am a much better human than to act like that. It's insulting to me to have someone, a relative especially, think so little of me that they think they're doing me a service. They have no previous recorded behavior to base that assumption on and have very little experience or knowledge of how I raise my kids, so it's fucking pathetic to me to take that stance. I'll get over it because I believe her heart was in the right place, but it just goes to show how much that they have no idea about who I really am, as well what my outlooks are on probably anything.

As I would tell Ivan my therapist, those are her issues to get over with, I just need to learn how to react to her and keep myself free from that type of shallow assumption making and conversation, which is about 85%-90% of how things are handled.

I won't be seeing Ivan until after the holidays, but one of the things we are going to work on and look at, is my desire to really break ties with all of my family once and for all. I don't want it to be a huge explosive battle when it happens, I'd much rather have things fade without commotion than anything else. We'll see.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008


It's just about two weeks now since my mother died. I've flown through a ridiculous amount of emotions and feelings since then that I don't think I have anything left. I'm looking forward to my regularly scheduled therapy session tonight which I am hoping will help me find some perspective and start moving forward.

The hardest thing I am dealing with right now is that I don't feel connected to anyone any more. The thought of spending time with my friends is damn near revolting and stomach churning. Socializing seems very pointless right now because I don't see that it offers me anything and I doubt I would want to even contribute. Getting me to spend time with others is going to be like pulling teeth.

I just feel like I have so much work to do that it isn't even worth it to try and get together with people, regardless of the reason. To be quite honest, I no longer feel connected with anyone that I am friends with. I look at them, and besides the obvious polite conversation topics, they just seem to be bored by anything I bring up. So I don't. I usually take the excuse to watch the triplets and spend time with them and any other kids and pray for the time to pass quickly so I can make an early exit. I am sure it is all me, but I feel so disconnected from my friends that they seem foreign and strange. Maybe this is something to examine soon on here too, because even though I feel this way, I recognize it is not right.

At this point I just want to make sure I don't start hating people. Specifically my family. I know I don't want them in my life anymore, but I am having a bit of trouble shutting that door. It doesn't have to be for good, but honesty and logic suggest that it very well may be that way because they probably won't change. I think that once my sister has the final services for my mother here in Illinois that I will stop contacting anyone and just move on with my life. I think that is truly the best for me, and it's certainly the best for my wife and kids.

I wanted much more and for things to be so much better, but that was obviously never to be. And as I've said here before, I had control over myself, my words, and my actions, and I am proud of how I conducted myself in all those areas. Others had, and probably are still having, a hard time with them, but they are the ones who control their reactions,

I'll probably write more in a few days after I have had time to digest my therapy session tonight.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

The Silence From Dreamscape

I mentioned last time that much of what I've been experiencing with memories has been dream related. Last night I had a particularly weird and disturbing dream. There is nothing too fancy about it, but in my dream I was watching myself, sitting in a wooden chair and words just appeared before me. They were initially random, like screwdriver or birds nest or lettuce, but eventually they became names, mean cruel names. As I watched this happening, I watched myself start to cry. It felt like forever as this happened, cruel words flashing in front of me calling me names, and I just sat there and cried by myself.

Eventually my family slowly became visible behind, talking to themselves and not even acknowledging me. My mother was there and so was my father, and all the while the words kept appearing in front of me and my crying seemed to be harder. Then the words stopped and snapshots of my life came into play, all sad and all continuing to keep me crying. I remember turning uncomfortably in bed while this was going and and I think I may have briefly woke a time or two during this. Then everything started switching back and forth between the mean words and images to the point they were intermingling. Slowly everything started to get dimmer and my family faded out one by one.

As it got darker and I was alone again I could see my face was red and swollen from my crying and I looked to be about 23 or 24 years old. As the last person of my family faded out, everything but the words and images were in shadows. I saw myself put my head down and put my face in my hands. I looked ashamed as I began to sob uncontrollably.

This went on for quite awhile until I suddenly stood up and wiped my eyes with my arm and just looked around at all the shadows and in the direction of where my family had been. After awhile I turned and looked at myself and I could see my face was still red and swollen and damp from crying, but it scared me because my eyes were bright red. I watched myself looking at me for a bit and then I shrugged and walked by to the chair, picked it up and beat it into the floor, shattering it.

Everything seemed to be getting darker and I could hardly see. The words came back and I saw myself look up at them and they were replaced by a picture of my wife and kids. They were all playing and the kids seemed older. They were running around on a path in some mountain, and the kids were yelling "Hike, Hike, Hike" with Meva leading the way. After a bit, Ryan started yelling, "Daddy, Are You? and looking around. Meva and the kids began looking for me and they all turned around and looked out of the image at me and began calling to me and waving. I watched myself watch this, wiping more tears from my face, and then I walked into the picture.

Everything else went black and then the words started to appear again, this time in front of me and I realized I was sitting in a chair. At that point I woke up. I was exhausted, had tears in my eyes, and I just felt terrible. I still do.

If you're into dream interpretation, there's a lot there to comment on. I see it myself.

I find it interesting that I had that dream and in reality my family isn't calling me. I really wanted, despite everything, to make sure they were OK and doing well, but they just aren't calling me, and when I do call them, it's a pretty short call in which it seems they are eager to get off the phone. So be it I suppose.

Nothing in the dream, no matter how terrible, makes me regret the choices I made. I know they were the right one for me and that everything I did it for and everything I thought would come of it seems to be beginning. The sooner it starts, the sooner I'll be through with it too, and that's what I am waiting for.

Rage & Legacy

I think I am a mess. An absolute and total mess.

I have so many emotions and memories fighting inside of me and influencing my mood and thoughts I am just barely able to function each day. Depression isn't even close to how am I feeling right now. In everything I feel and think, there is such a powerful and emotional intensity that rages within me. I spend the days fighting this and they end with me mentally and physically exhausted.

I'm not ashamed to say that the things my sister told me the night my mother died bothered me. Even though I believe that my mother now knows the truth of how I feel, I'm hurt that there was a chance my final words didn't make it to her, and because of how mentally unstable she was she didn't get to here those words for the last time. My god does that bother me. I could live with it if I had dragged my feet and didn't send my goodbyes in time, but I sent them almost a week before she died and my sister never said anything to me, and I just don't like the reasons I come up with as to why almost 4 days had to pass before I called her on it and she then told me she didn't get it. Those were important days, the last days of her lucidity, and it taken not just from me, but also from her. I don't even know if it's worth going into right now, the reasons for that delay, as I think I it would just set my blood pressure rising even more and require me to take another round of meds to calm down, and I have had more than I wanted to already. I'll have to look at it another time, but I am steamed about it more every time I think of it, and that's something I haven't been able to push from my mind.

On top of everything, I find myself examining the meaning of legacy, both in my mother's life and what it means to myself and my sisters. It makes me want to just lock myself away and cry for hours. There is so little positive to pull out of this. All the memories of her life seem to just stack higher and higher into pile selfish failure. The fact that I think this hurts me and the fact that it is true, hurts me all the more. Despite the selfish, wicked, or ridiculous things that she did to me in my life, I always wanted better than that for her. I rooted for her to turn her life around and take advantage of the opportunities she had, but she just never let it happen.

That leads me directly into wondering about my Legacy and what I will be leaving to my kids. I get so scared thinking about this, thinking that I have done a poor job, and that like my mother I may end up with a longer list of failures and unused opportunities. It's unhealthy to think like this, but it's there when I'm alone or trying to go to sleep. It's made me see things in a new light and that's led me to the realization that despite what I previously thought in my life, I'm not afraid of dying. I am afraid of dying incomplete and unfulfilled. That's a biography that would shame me to leave to my kids, and yet right now I just think of all I've not tried and experienced, that I'll end up just like my mother.

And yet, despite being on the outs with her and not really having spoken to her for over a year, I miss her. As crazy as she made me, and as miserable and frustrated as I often was after talking to her, I still wish she was here. I wanted her to be my mother and to turn her life around, but she couldn't and when she died, that was one of the worst things I have ever felt in my life.

Oh yeah, my family has pretty much stopped calling me now. It's only been a few days now since my mother was cremated and they had services for her, but I think that this is how the fallout of my actions is going to be.....................silence. The trouble with it is that the longer it lasts, the easier it to get used to and the harder it is break through. And when I think about the negatives..........

I'll write more later.