Even for this little blog, that last post was pretty bleak and black. Since I wrote that, I've struggled with whether or not I should keep it up or take it down. Although I find it partially embarrassing and quite over-reactive, I have decided to keep it for the time being. The purpose of this blog is to examine my feelings and issues as I have them, so I can work through them, and eventually solve them. Even though it's kind of painful, I think it needs to stay.
That being said, where am I now? Foremost, I am better. My wife and I talked, and while I can't say that I feel either of us were thrilled with everything we discussed, I think we are on the same page, and that is to work together to strengthen our marriage and our relationship.
To that end, I know I bring a whole bag of problems to any table I sit at, and they aren't easy to control or handle. But it is something I have to do. While a large portion, a huge fucking portion actually, can be laid at the feet of my mother and father, these are still my issues. It's hard to admit it and even harder still to act on it, but they are my responsibility even if they aren't my fault.
It boils down to how I'm going to let this affect me, if at all. I can keep trying to find a medication that can help me, but I think I've tried enough of them to know that any help they will provide me in either sorting out my chemical imbalances or just numbing my anxieties, they can't erase the past. All of the hate, abuse, neglect, and vitriol that my parents dispensed and that my sisters both ignore to varying degrees has to be addressed. Perhaps it's not just something I do once, but maybe I need to do this on a daily basis to remind me of what I must fight first thing before I am able to make the rest of the day a success.
Most important is that I get a handle on these issues for my wife and my children. While I owe them a sane and rational father and husband, more than that I owe myself the relief and tranquility of not being affected by them. And yes, I will have to do this alone unfortunately. The sad fact of the matter is that I don't think I can trust anyone with this process. What I said last post about not having people to turn to is still true, even though I know there are people out there that would listen, I can't burden others when I can't accept what they will say.
On the plus side, I have time to myself this weekend to try and sort out what is going on in my head and try to recharge myself. I've picked out a wonderful location (I think) to escape and take the time to just relax, unwind, and think about myself. Either way, I expect this to be a tough weekend.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Sunday, October 5, 2008
Scared
I'm quite sure I've just had the absolute worst weekend of my life. I say that because now that it is over and I am back home from Ohio I don't think I want to be married anymore. It's not as though I want a divorce, but I absolutely can't have things stay the same. I just want to be happy and feel wanted again, and not just needed.
The truth of the matter is that the connection we once had isn't there anymore. I don't feel in sync with her and I find that I am sharing less and less of myself with her because I find I am derailed, denied, or talked to condescendingly and I just don't find her as the person I want to share my thoughts and experiences with.
I feel like I've tried to change every way I could think of to better relate to her, or to behave towards her, or on how to act in general, in order to keep our connection. I don't know what I can do anymore so that I'll feel like I'm understood, or valued, or appreciated.
Most of all, I wish there was someone I could just talk to about this, but the only people I trust are either so messed up themselves with their own relationships, or they're her family. So my only choice is to try and come up with answers on my own, and I'm apparently not smart enough to have found them.
I know it's cliche, but my number one worry is for my kids. I love them so much and I feel so guilty right now. I feel like I'm failing them and resigning them to a tougher and lesser life.
What I think I'm feeling is that I'm tired of trying because in the end it's all going to be in vain. I just wish I could take the hurt, lonely, feelings away forever.
The truth of the matter is that the connection we once had isn't there anymore. I don't feel in sync with her and I find that I am sharing less and less of myself with her because I find I am derailed, denied, or talked to condescendingly and I just don't find her as the person I want to share my thoughts and experiences with.
I feel like I've tried to change every way I could think of to better relate to her, or to behave towards her, or on how to act in general, in order to keep our connection. I don't know what I can do anymore so that I'll feel like I'm understood, or valued, or appreciated.
Most of all, I wish there was someone I could just talk to about this, but the only people I trust are either so messed up themselves with their own relationships, or they're her family. So my only choice is to try and come up with answers on my own, and I'm apparently not smart enough to have found them.
I know it's cliche, but my number one worry is for my kids. I love them so much and I feel so guilty right now. I feel like I'm failing them and resigning them to a tougher and lesser life.
What I think I'm feeling is that I'm tired of trying because in the end it's all going to be in vain. I just wish I could take the hurt, lonely, feelings away forever.
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