Sunday, October 5, 2008

Scared

I'm quite sure I've just had the absolute worst weekend of my life. I say that because now that it is over and I am back home from Ohio I don't think I want to be married anymore. It's not as though I want a divorce, but I absolutely can't have things stay the same. I just want to be happy and feel wanted again, and not just needed.

The truth of the matter is that the connection we once had isn't there anymore. I don't feel in sync with her and I find that I am sharing less and less of myself with her because I find I am derailed, denied, or talked to condescendingly and I just don't find her as the person I want to share my thoughts and experiences with.

I feel like I've tried to change every way I could think of to better relate to her, or to behave towards her, or on how to act in general, in order to keep our connection. I don't know what I can do anymore so that I'll feel like I'm understood, or valued, or appreciated.

Most of all, I wish there was someone I could just talk to about this, but the only people I trust are either so messed up themselves with their own relationships, or they're her family. So my only choice is to try and come up with answers on my own, and I'm apparently not smart enough to have found them.

I know it's cliche, but my number one worry is for my kids. I love them so much and I feel so guilty right now. I feel like I'm failing them and resigning them to a tougher and lesser life.

What I think I'm feeling is that I'm tired of trying because in the end it's all going to be in vain. I just wish I could take the hurt, lonely, feelings away forever.

1 comment:

tutu lou said...

Dear God man! I understand more than you know. I am so embarrased by the same feelings. I am here for you. You have been nothing but awesome at listening to my crap. I love you......I am here for you. It is my turn to help. I am yes still battling the same feelings, but I can listen. YOu are not alone.