Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Episode IV --- A New Hope

If this is your first time visiting, you really need to start reading from the beginning. You can't possibly hope to understand the perspective and motivation for this blog without starting there. You can easily get to the beginning either from the sidebar, or by clicking here. Thanks.
This week Meva told me that for the first time in a long time she feels like she has her husband back.

This is significant because the last 5 years have been extremely difficult and enlightening for me as I've come to accept and better understand the extent and power depression has on me. At times it has been all-consuming, even causing Meva to strongly question and believe that I might be bi-polar. For me to say that it has had a powerful influence on me is really an understatement.

When I'm at my worst, I am extremely anti-social, irritable, and passive-aggressive and I find that I can't control the self-destructive behaviors which cause me to push everyone away. It's frustrating and further fuels all the negative urges of Depression. I don't want to get too descriptive about everything I did wrong or poorly, but suffice it to say that this has cost me dearly. I've alienated friends and family and has all but ostracized me from those who were among my closest and dearest friends. I don't blame them for avoiding me because reflection has allowed me to see just how terrible I was.

To those of you that read this and fall within that category, I'm sorry. I can't erase my mistakes no matter how hard I try, but I with time I might be able rebuild the friendships we had, but I understand I may not be deserving of that opportunity and that is something I will have to learn to accept and live with.

So, how did this happen? It wasn't quick or easy, that's for sure. I would have good days and you probably wouldn't even suspect what I was going through (if you didn't already know about it) and then I'd have a string of bad days and I'd hide in plain sight from everyone and lash out in every direction at the slightest irritation or conflict. But after failing to manage the depression without better living through modern chemistry, I began to feel I was hitting a wall and doing nothing but injuring myself and my family. I took the initiative and began a program using the drug Celexa and rebuilding my sleep hygiene. It's only been two months, so I can't be 100% sure if it is working, but I see results. What's more important is also the fact that I am not the only one.

I expect there will still be bumps in the road even if this current plan continues to be successful, but hopefully any slights from here on will be insignificant and easily forgiven.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Sleep Deprived Thoughts

If this is your first time visiting, you really need to start reading from the beginning. You can't possibly hope to understand the perspective and motivation for this blog without starting there. You can easily get to the beginning either from the sidebar, or by clicking here. Thanks.

I'm not at all sure why, but good, solid sleep has really become a premium for me. Over the last week I've had times where I have almost dreaded going to sleep at all. So I'm averaging about 3 hours of sleep a night and that means I've got a very short wick; which I then dangle around three little sparks all day long! And to top this off, it gives me the nastiest headaches in the world.
Despite being 40 now I still think I could lift my old truck and tip it completely over, so I've got that and the headaches going for me now.

Their are two consistent thoughts or issues that are prevailent during this time. One is a larger sense of my own mortality, but being 40 and working a job I truly never imagined I would be doing at this stage of my life makes that thinking easy. I can elaborate later on that because I've always had thoughts like this about mortality, so this isn't anything new.

What primarily bothers me is that I an still sorting out the mess that was my mother. I just keep playing so many of the negative things that she did, or in many cases didn't do, to me or for me. It is an exhausting but neccessary step that I have to take so I can move forward. But every time I do this, I go right back to the time these things happened and the original feelings of doubt, oppression, fear, loathing, hate, and even misanthropy all just crawl back under my skin and paralyze me. And I sit there watching these scenes play out and I see the damages they caused at the time--who they hurt, who those that were hurt then hurting others (myself included)-- and seeing this modeled as correct behavior.

It didn't matter if it was me getting beaten with motorcycle helmets or baseball bats, having lighter fluid thrown on me and then chased with a lighter, or buying liquor and paying for hair appointments so she could seduce a married co-worker (who happened to be the older brother of one of my closer friends in high school---- yeah HUGE issue there alone!!) while we were getting thrown out of places to live,. to the many hurtful and venomous things she would say to me and my sisters.

Right about that time I begin to wonder how much the mustakes I've made in my life are a direct result of all that and how I was cheated out of an early adulthood and the poor choices that still affect me to this day. It's usally at this point that my own mortality has found a way to seep through my melon and point out that the wasted time IS valuable because life is short and mine isn't getting any younger!

Is it know wonder then that I end up tossing and turning and trying to shake these thoughts and the corresponding images out of my mind so I can sleep, but it takes alot of time and more meds than I want to be taking. I take the meds because they do calm me down, but unfortunately they are becoming less effective.

So I'll get to go into the next morning with all that still freshly lingering in my head like the hungover bass sound you can't get rid of from that dance club you got wasted at the previous night. Somehow I have to fight on alone, through it, and raise my kids to never know any of that could happen to them and try to keep up with the house while I can.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Starting with my Dad

If this is your first time visiting, you really need to start reading from the beginning. You can't possibly hope to understand the perspective and motivation for this blog without starting there. You can easily get to the beginning either from the sidebar, or by clicking here. Thanks.

Well to be on the blunt side I am concerned with much of my family, but the least and most of which is my father.

The reason I say he is the least of my concern is that both he and I are going pretty strong in trying to re-establish the whole father son relationship we're missing. The crazy old bastard is back to working road construction, mostly as a driver, but on occasion it seems he does other hard labor jobs. He may pack his ass with meds and pain killers after work to survive it, but that tough old SOB is doing things his way.I truly wish he's stop right now and begin enjoying everything he worked for, but it's not my call to make. It's only out of my love that I'm concern, but I respect him enough to let him Live his life the way he wants.

So anyways, it's really good to be able to talk to him one or more times a week. He and I are both at the mindset that the next step is for him to come out to my home and really meet my wife and finally meet his triplet grandchildren. I know that is important to him, and it is damn sure important to me. What's more is that I think in their own little way it will be important to the kids as well. Regardless of when it happens or how it happens, I expect it to be a good time.

That brings me to the focus of my sister's. My youngest Traci is living in who knows where, other than it is near Peoria Illinois. The only thing I know she is doing is that she is continuing to scam people and institutions out of money. All of a sudden I'm getting debt collector bills and phone calls at my house for incidents that have happened in the last two months!! It's one thing to be 35 and unable to have a grasp on your own life for you and your two kids, but it's another thing to drag me into the games by giving out my address and phone number as if she were still living her. I promise anyone readying this blog that if I should, for whatever reason, decide I need to start scamming people as though I was trying to get a Senate seat or something, I am going to do this on my own!! I just don't understand why she needs to pull me down unto her sad little world.

That brings me to my real mother and trying to come to some final terms about her and her life and what she did to me and my sister. Currently I am in a very angry stage when I think about her. For those of you that are around me (or in regular contact with me), this unresolved anger may explain any short, curt, rude, or withdrawn behavior of late. I am just so full of anger and hate about her and her legacy that I can't keep enough of it in safely or even cry enough out from time to time. It keeps me up late much or the week and has me more in contact with my darker side more than I am comfortable with.

It's bee too long and I think I really needed to start mentally organizing some thoughts before I make more specific posts I appreciate everyone's time that that take to either read and leave a comment (which I read and they are valuable to me) even if I don't get everyone's posted on the blog. They're very important to me, so please keep them coming!!

I will hopefully have more in the next week or possibly days.

Friday, March 20, 2009

Anxiety, Socializing, and Friends

If this is your first time visiting, you really need to start reading from the beginning. You can't possibly hope to understand the perspective and motivation for this blog without starting there. You can easily get to the beginning either from the sidebar, or by clicking here. Thanks.

I received a comment today about what I wrote yesterday. The swiftness aside, I was really floored that someone was able to make sense of that I wrote due to all the typos. They were bad, but they have since been dealt with.

So last night among many things I mentioned that I feel alienated and ostracized and after reading it I think I should just devote some time to talking about that specifically. Many people who read it expressed concern over this and we are having many dear friends come over on Saturday, so I feel I should explain it:

First an foremost I am not currently depressed of suffering from it. I do not feel lonely. And as such I am liked away bellowing out sad piano ballads amongst piles of empty wine bottles and dirty kids. I am fine.

Well as fine as any new40 year old male is after realizing he isn't going to hit a HR to win the World Series, Become an astronaut, spy, actor, or President. I am glad on all those stereotypical accounts just for the sheer fact alone that I don't think I would have found Meva, so it worked out well there

What my voice was saying is that when I get stressed or anxious and have difficulty focusing or following certain rules (people aren't food, it's never OK to maim,,,,,,) My mind seriously flies about everything that goes on in my mind and as a result I shared some of them.

That being said I've heard from more than 7 people about that last one and let me explain something: The original words are fueled by that said same anxiety and like much of this blog that are unfiltered. So if you're one of those people, just stop reading because it's not for you.

But the truth of the situation is that I am feeling a bit alienated. There are so many difficulties and obstacles for all of us that it is so very hard to get together, I think we all know that. But the fears and frustrations that I let out concerned fundamental truths about my social life and who I interact with.quite franky I adhorr it.

I find myself missing out on simple get togethers or notinvited to get togethers or chances to learn and grow, but for what ever reason those things never happen. And yeah it sucks because no matter how great my family is, I need some time to just go out by myself.

My best buddy lives too damn far for us to do much of anything and I've just about lost touch with those around me. Some are busy with this part of my life, a part I went through myself, so I know to give them space right now.

But there are options, there always are. I have friends, albeit busy, they have time to do things, but those things are always without me. I've asked to join, offered to just be there and observe and there were never responses or returns.

The life I have is such that I already have plenty to do and that's what I focus on.

I sincerely hope that helps

Thursday, March 19, 2009

There's a sign up ahead.

If this is your first time visiting, you really need to start reading from the beginning. You can't possibly hope to understand the perspective and motivation for this blog without starting there. You can easily get to the beginning either from the sidebar, or by clicking here. Thanks.

For the last 5 plus months I've had some anxiety issues that I needed help with. Without boring everyone here with a 5 month time line of events that are really only interesting to me and those crazies who will read this when I am gone.

I was taking an anti-anxiety pill called Ativan at 1milligram strength as I needed them, until they ran out.. My math may be wrong, but it's about 4 time as powerful as a Klonopin. However, after I stopped taking them my stress, frustration, and anxiety all returned in full and tried to deal with it alone. Well, enough is enough, and I started a new plan today. Although I am not anxious or nervous or anything at the moment, I am a bit tired and restless this first night. We'll see how things go for a few weeks and make an assessment.

One of the most immediate things this (being relaxed) is allowing for me tonight, is to just make a list of what's been getting on my nerves, hopefully with out using names, but I might deem it necessary later. So, I'll just make a list and some lines might be briefly explained, some might not have anything., so let's give this a try:

  1. I'm still pissed off at Tim Doran. Regardless of being a positive parental role model for my wife and kids, I'm going to fight him if I get the chance. I'll never get that money he owes me, but that type of dangerous and extreme reaction Will make me feel much better. Any compensation after the said beating would almost get rid of this anxiety that creeps up at me every week
  2. My wife is a priestess of Zoroaster. For every thing about her that stresses me or gets under my skin she is doubly effective at giving me strength, security, and unconditional love. We love passionately and strongly and that causes stress, frustration, and anxiety all on their own. But those same traits lead to great reconciliations. I wouldn't have it any other way.
  3. My family has the power to destroy whole days and weeks with their lies and shennangins and manipulations. No matter how much I try to divest myself completely of them for the rest of my life, I can't. SO I know I will always be open Getting shit on at various times. That's fine, I know special way to handle them.
  4. The absolute biggest threat to me is our finances. It weighs on me every single day; it is always in the back of my head when I am trying to focus during the day, and it single handily keeps me from sleeping. It often sends me into uncontrollable fits of shaking and heavy heart pounding. Everyone has those issues too, so I fell guilty in the end for not dealing with this better.
  5. This feeds into the above with the above. Despite that we are keeping a step ahead, I feel weak and sad that I am not contributing in some monetary fashion We are so limited by Meva's work schedule, which prevents me from getting any type of even part time job, and the few I've pursued have balked. So, I bring this pressure all on myself.
  6. I mentioned family before, but I'm going to mention two people again, that's Traci and my mother (This isn't a usual rant about her). Keeping this short, Teri paid for Traci and her daughters to come down and help out during her last weeks or months. By all accounts it was a bust, with Traci taking my mother's medication that she used for end stage pain management and becoming a threat and hazard to everyone around her. Two weeks prior to my mother's passing she moved hack to Illinois, but she couldn't afford the money for her oldest daughter, so she left her in Teri's care. Well its still a big mess that weighs on me because it is similar to and worse than the transient lifestyle of my childhood. Traci is going from cheap hotel room to the next, to loose friends and questionable elements all around. TO top it off, her behavior over the last few weeks strongly suggest that she is hitting what ever drugs she's doing very hard since she received her income tax money..My worry and stress is about my nieces. Should they survive this lifestyle, there are other deadly elements that are much closer and with easy access to two pretty little girls for whatever deviant desire they lose control of or give in to? I then become frustrated with my mother, because of all the battles her and I fought about concerning Traci and that the opportunity to teach her how to break this cycle and be able to take care of her self and family was now, not later. The fates of my nieces frustrates me and gets me to the point where I am shaking and going through anxiety attacks., It's just not something I can always work with on my own.
  7. I quite honestly feel alienated, of ostracized by my friends. I need companionship and company from time to time. But it is dead. My socializing has come almost to a standstill. I'm saying this because I feel I'm always avoided or excluded from activities or when I try to initiate something, it just doesn't come together. So I'm left feeling no one is interested in anything I suggest and things that other's put together exclude me. I've tried to politely show interest in whatever it is, only to either be told the something won't work with me or the room is immediately filled with regret and hesitation that is never hidden enough for me not to feel it, so I detach from the project or activity on my own. I'm not looking for fucking pity, so unless someone generally wants me there, I'm not going to be the off number! I know having kids effects my perceived availability, but they aren't attached to me all the time. In the end I feel like I've become the equivalent of a facebook friend.
Its' too early/late and I need sleep and get up in a few to take the trips to story and dance time at the library, I have more and I'll post them tomorrow or later today.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009


If this is your first time visiting, you really need to start reading from the beginning. You can't possibly hope to understand the perspective and motivation for this blog without starting there. You can easily get to the beginning either from the sidebar, or by clicking here. Thanks.

Many people in my life know that I've had problems with my father for so many years now that all I've ever said is that he wasn't a part of my life and that I always considered Louis Cicirello as my Dad because he was there for me when my own father wasn't.

This is something that took place over 27 or so years growing up. Lou influenced me, guided me, inspired me, and if you knew him (or caught a lecture), you understand that man could frustrate me! But I absolutely loved him and for years I openly pointed to him as my father and professed my love for him. And when I talk about my father, it is equally important to understand this about me.

After losing both Lou and my Mother in less than 9 months, my father unexpectedly called me and wanted to be a part of my life! Yeah, I was floored. Absolutely blindsided. This wasn't something I thought would ever happen. I believed it so much that the night before he called my wife and I were talking about my relationship with him and she wanted to know what he could possibly do at this point. I told her, as frankly and honestly as I could, that "All he needs to do is to just make an attempt to get in touch with me and tell me he's not happy with the way things are, and that he wasn't to work on that and have me be a part of his life." But I also said I don't think it will ever happen. Of course he calls the very next morning saying pretty much that exact thing.

This was two months ago and we've averaged talking at least once a week. It's been awkward at times for both of us I think, as well as his wife and my brothers, but I think everyone is trying to go forward with a fresh start and committed to making this work. That is all I've ever wanted from him.

But if you've read any of my blogs, specifically this one, you know that I have been openly critical and angry at him over the past. I know that some people on his side of the family have read them and our upset and concerned as a result.I can totally appreciate that, because the things I wrote were very harsh and critical of him and his actions. I have no doubt that they are/were hard for them to read and it hurt them. I respect that, but I also respect myself and my right to feel anyway I do. But how I feel isn't indicative of how I think or how I act, or even what I dream of. While I won't take back the things I said, I have chosen to work past them and build a new, stronger, father-son bond from this point forward.

None of the above means I am forgetting the past or even excusing it. But the only way I can understand it, and then hopefully put it behind me, is to move forward with the best intentions and maybe wear his shoes for awhile. I know there will be nothing that will absolve him of his actions, and I don't necessarily think he is looking for that. A great example of this is something he told me recently which made perfect sense for some of the choices he made, but when I look at it as an adult, and as a father, I will always believe he should have chosen differently. But definitely understand where he came from and how someone could make the choices he did as a result.

One of the things we have talked about in regards to the two of us is the importance of my mother. It was her death that I feel ultimately lead to him reaching out to me. I felt that from the beginning. And as we talked about the past and the present, something came out that explained a lot to me, or to put it another way, it moved a curtain and allowed me to see something I couldn't see before. He said that source behind many of his decisions was that he didn't want to have my mother involved in his life.

I know that feeling all too well. My mother could be difficult and spending time with her wasn't easy, rarely relaxing, and often forced a person to keep their guard up, and this is coming from her son! I can only imagine how much more intense it might have been for my father.

Telling me that brought me closer to him. I understood him and could easily relate to the pressures and obligations he was under when having to deal with my mother. It kept me away from here at the end of her life, so I can easily see him making that choice himself. I still don't agree with it, but understanding makes a world of difference and that is the reason I choose to go forward and learn and not stay in the past and judge.

I had originally planned on writing about being 40 again but as I got into it I decided I couldn't avoid thinking about something else that I have been putting off talking about here for quite awhile, so my getting old, rocking chair rant will have to wait. I'm going to talk about my father.

After years of conflict and tension I now have a relationship with my father and it's a positive one. I never really expected this to happen and it is mind boggling to be in this position.

A year ago I would have doubted this ever happening, but it is today's fact.

Friday, March 6, 2009

We Interrupt This Angst To Bring You More Angst

If this is your first time visiting, you really need to start reading from the beginning. You can't possibly hope to understand the perspective and motivation for this blog without starting there. You can easily get to the beginning either from the sidebar, or by clicking here. Thanks.

Normally I talk about things, events, and people that are bothering me in one fashion or another and they're almost exclusively family members. I'm going to take a step back and try to do some introspection about myself because quite frankly, I'm bothering me.

I briefly mentioned this on Desultory Views, but I think this is a better venue to get more indepth. Turning 40 is bothering me, but not for the normal reasons. I don't think it's the midlife crisis type of crap that I see and hear others go through. I've got no desire to prove my youth with promiscuity or idiotic behavior. I don't need to defy death or laugh at danger. If anything I feel very satisfied and complete along those lines. So as usual there is this bizarre Chuck spin to things.

It's taken me a bit to pin point what is bothering me, and as I've gotten closer to my birthday I've had a tougher and tougher go of, well, things I guess. I'm having quite a bit of trouble relaxing or sleeping. I feel constantly on edge. Not really restless, but more anticipating and waiting for something unpleasant to happen. The most direct result of this is my lack of patience. Generally speaking it can be damn near nonexistent at times, especially in the face of stupidity, ignorance, and poor behavior from others, but lately I find that I am almost embracing a discord of laothing. I hate that and all the unpleasantness and negativity it breeds.

But at night I find myself just wanting to be alone, but I don't want to go to sleep. It's the only time I have quiet and some sense of calm and it invites reflection, which I notice I am subconsciously avoiding with distractions of any kind. As I try to fight this insomnia monster with mental discipline (failed), structure (failed), and even medicine (failed), I fear the prolonged affects of my defeats are taking their tole on me physically and if I am honest, emotionally too.

My eating habits are piss poor and I spend my mornings feeling like a zombie as I pump myself with enough caffeine to possibly raise the dead (or Dick Cheney! Hahahahaha. I'm trying to not be so somber here---work with me) and by then the late afternoons and evenings find me jumpy, grumpy, and suffering. I'm artifically stimulated from the caffeine that I need in the mornings at this point and it gets my mind racing and leaves me anxious.

I spend my time trying to avoid thinking about two very distinct, but kind of related things: accomplishments and appearance. I think about myself at 40 and I don't feel like I've accomplished much aside from college, donating sperm, and babysitting. Yeah, I know that's an extremely negative view, but if I could avoid that I wouldn't be posting now and trying to work through it now would I?

The issue of appearance is simple, I am out of shape and it disturbs me. There are the obvious health reasons, but I find myself thinking of how embarassed my children will be by having a fat daddy. God it stresses me out and fills me with shame, self-loathing, and anger like I rarely experience. And to make matters worse, I keep this bottled up. Solutions are obvious, but the paths to them have once again become daunting and difficult.

And then there is the lack of accomplishments. As rewarding as staying at home with the triplets is, it is also mind-numbingly boring. I often find myself feeling like a horse that has been put to pasture after he can no longer compete. It doesn't help that money is extremely tight and working would help us out tremendously. So I find my mind wandering, looking at myself and where I'm at and what I've accomplished. Quite frankly its not enough and its obviously not fulfilling.

So coupled with my reservations on my appearance and hitting the milestone of 40, the lack of sleep, the anxiety, and stress that I've been bottling is starting to show itself physically. From aches and pains, to headaches and migraines, to nausea, and anxiety type panic attacks, I feel a total mess. There are times, most often when everyone has gone to sleep for the night or when the triplets are down for a nap, that my hands just shake, and my heart races, and I feel like everything is caving in on me. In the back of my mind I keep hoping that it will all pass once I turn 40 and I am past that and can see that everything really is ok. But even then I doubt I'll feel better because the truth is that regardless of age, what's bothering me has nothing to do with how old I am, but whether or not I've been as productive as I think I should.

So I hope that everyone who has undoutedly picked up on my mood swings, distance, or lack of patience will understand and not take this personal as I work through this.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009


If this is your first time visiting, you really need to start reading from the beginning. You can't possibly hope to understand the perspective and motivation for this blog without starting there. You can easily get to the beginning either from the sidebar, or by clicking here. Thanks.

My last post mentioned the newly discovered popularity of my blog. I was more concerned with explaining the changes I was making as a result of this rather than addressing new issues that have come from it. I am prepared to do that now.

The primary focus of the blog has been relationships, specifically my relationship with my mother and my father, but I have also touched upon my wife, my sisters, my aunts, and my brothers. At least that's what I remember of the top of my head. And each time I've written about them, the context if thoroughly based on my perceptions. Guess what, it's my blog, so why wouldn't it? But the thing is that each examination is really an opportunity to focus my thoughts into something workable and nondestructive.

That means that when I come across as bitching and moaning, I am doing just that. What's different is that I am courageously doing what most of us never do, and that is I am airing my thoughts as I have them, unfiltered, unscrutinized, and unapologetically there for myself, and others, to see. I do this because I have the penchant to ignore my feelings and leave issues unresolved, allowing them to fester in until they come out in the most unhealthy ways, often directed at people who had nothing to do with anything. So instead of having cross words, or writing emails and letters that are completely uncalled for and mean-spirited, I can go back and look at what I wrote and organize my thoughts and feelings into a healthy response.

If you can't understand this, or the logic and reason behind this, then I would challenge you to get your head out of your ass and try acting mature.

I find currently myself at a crossroads in my life (sorry for the cliche) transitioning from a life with my mother to one without it. While you can never fully be prepared emotionally for this, I at least saw this coming ahead of time. Despite this, I made the decision not to cave in to pressure from my family and continue my distance from my mother and basically not talk to her, although in her final days I did write her a letter that she probably wasn't able to read, hear, or understand. I am OK with that. It's not what I would have liked to have had happen, but that's how it ended.

As her death has passed, I've taken slings and shots over my decision not to "forgive" her and talk to her and tell her I loved her. My sisters and aunts had a hard time with this, and I can totally appreciate that. They weren't ready for my mother to die at such a relatively early age, and quite frankly neither was I. Things were said that weren't helpful and were taken as mean and hurtful, but I choose to believe they were unintentional and I have to believe that they were all still so very said and hurt over the loss of my mother. I think any mature adult would be able to forgive some ill-spoken words that came out of that time. I know I have.

However, there have been hushed comments and whispers that remain long after what I deem to be an appropriate amount of time for people to get themselves together. Whether it is these hushed remarks or hate-filled emails from misanthropic and hubris filled, emotionally stunted people is irrelevant. I think, since this blog is also serving other people, that I should explain myself a bit on the subject of my mother and why I didn't talk to her during her final days.

My mother betrayed me. That's how this came to pass. Click on the link to read how (or refresh your memory) because I'm not going to summarize it here. What she did was horrible, and she acknowledged that in a phone message she left for me. But if you knew her you also know that she didn't have a clean slate up until that time, it was just the final straw in a history of abuse, neglect, and manipulation. I'm not trying to bad mouth her now that she is gone, but I'm also not going to lie and pretend these things didn't happen either.

So, once she betrayed me, I decided I wasn't going to keep her in my life. I wasn't going to make a huge speech or grand statement declaring my intentions and burn bridges in the process, I just pulled back, refused calls, and didn't initiate anything. The only plan I had was to make sure I didn't allow her to hurt me again. Those closest to me applauded this decision and to this day I know it was the right one.

Since then, I've been asked by many people what my mother could have done to make me change my mind. My wife, my friends, my therapist Ivan, and even my father have all wanted to know. I think it's important to acknowledge this question and answer it here, because it is the absence of these actions by her that allowed me to continue my distance and silence into the rest of her life.

As I recently told my father, I do no regret my actions or decisions. My mother could have shown me that she was truly sorry for what she had done by removing the burden and responsibility of forcing her children, let me be more specific and just call it accurately and say Teri, of having to anguish through making decisions that she should have made on her own. She had over a year to set her affairs in motion, to sign a living will, to request a DNR status, and to name Teri the medical power of attorney. She also had that time to secure life insurance so that Teri and her sisters were stuck paying for her death arrangements.

She didn't.

My mother lost me in her life indirectly because of how not taking responsibility for that can hurt and affect those you love. Yet she did nothing, or to be fair, if she did I wasn't aware of it. At the very least, I know that with the exception of getting life insurance, she didn't need money to take care of her loved ones.

As much as I loved her, and I absolutely did love her, this characterized her life. She always looked for someone else to be responsible for her. Emotionally, socially, and financially, she never had accountability. Even up to the end, I prayed every night for her, and hoped that she would finally take action and for once do what was right. But we know she didn't. So how could I accept her back into my life when I knew exactly what was coming?

My niece and nephew can hate me for taking this stance, so can anyone else. But they didn't have to listen to all the pain and torment in my sister's voice when she told me about how much she suffered trying to do right by my mother. My sister Teri loves them both far too much to have let them hear the hurt, the pain, and the fear in her voice while she second guessed herself and her actions. My sister was a true hero and I don't think my mother deserved the selfless devotion that Teri gave to her. But I heard how tore up Teri was over whether to keep my mother alive by a machine yet dead in her soul.

I have seen my sister go through some tough times in her life, but I have never heard her so low as the she was then. That wasn't fair to her. It could have been avoided. But my mother choose not to. That's why I didn't change my mind. That's why I do not regret my actions or choices. I loved my mother, but I could not support what she was doing. I love my sister and I am so sorry that she went through that, and hell she's probably still hurting from that.

So to anyone out there that wants to judge me, that wants to attack me or comment on me. You go ahead. I stood by and supported the right decisions.


If this is your first time visiting, you really need to start reading from the beginning. You can't possibly hope to understand the perspective and motivation for this blog without starting there. You can easily get to the beginning either from the sidebar, or by clicking here. Thanks.

Apparently this blog has become popular with quite a few people. It is being talked about and shared, discussed and debated. Or so it sounds like to me. Unfortunately this is not a good thing because the content isn't something most people are able to deal with. To that end, I have made a few changes which I am hoping will help. The first is a better description of the blog and how to read it, which now appears at the sidebar. I've also decided that I need to include a disclaimer at the beginning of every post. It's cumbersome and annoying for both the reader and for me as I write, but it has to be here.

But this blog, while finite, is not going anywhere until it has run its course. I don't regret anything I've written and I'm not embarrassed either. I will continue to write posts and further examine my feelings and thoughts about a wide number of issues that I am dealing with. This is a positive tool for me and while I don't expect my detractors to agree or understand, they should know that without this outlet I would be quite confrontational and prone to hurt others. Perhaps I shouldn't be the only one thinking and examining their feelings, as well as those of others, after each post.

So, those are the changes and those are the reasons why. Hopefully this won't be too cumbersome.