Thursday, March 19, 2009

There's a sign up ahead.

If this is your first time visiting, you really need to start reading from the beginning. You can't possibly hope to understand the perspective and motivation for this blog without starting there. You can easily get to the beginning either from the sidebar, or by clicking here. Thanks.

For the last 5 plus months I've had some anxiety issues that I needed help with. Without boring everyone here with a 5 month time line of events that are really only interesting to me and those crazies who will read this when I am gone.

I was taking an anti-anxiety pill called Ativan at 1milligram strength as I needed them, until they ran out.. My math may be wrong, but it's about 4 time as powerful as a Klonopin. However, after I stopped taking them my stress, frustration, and anxiety all returned in full and tried to deal with it alone. Well, enough is enough, and I started a new plan today. Although I am not anxious or nervous or anything at the moment, I am a bit tired and restless this first night. We'll see how things go for a few weeks and make an assessment.

One of the most immediate things this (being relaxed) is allowing for me tonight, is to just make a list of what's been getting on my nerves, hopefully with out using names, but I might deem it necessary later. So, I'll just make a list and some lines might be briefly explained, some might not have anything., so let's give this a try:

  1. I'm still pissed off at Tim Doran. Regardless of being a positive parental role model for my wife and kids, I'm going to fight him if I get the chance. I'll never get that money he owes me, but that type of dangerous and extreme reaction Will make me feel much better. Any compensation after the said beating would almost get rid of this anxiety that creeps up at me every week
  2. My wife is a priestess of Zoroaster. For every thing about her that stresses me or gets under my skin she is doubly effective at giving me strength, security, and unconditional love. We love passionately and strongly and that causes stress, frustration, and anxiety all on their own. But those same traits lead to great reconciliations. I wouldn't have it any other way.
  3. My family has the power to destroy whole days and weeks with their lies and shennangins and manipulations. No matter how much I try to divest myself completely of them for the rest of my life, I can't. SO I know I will always be open Getting shit on at various times. That's fine, I know special way to handle them.
  4. The absolute biggest threat to me is our finances. It weighs on me every single day; it is always in the back of my head when I am trying to focus during the day, and it single handily keeps me from sleeping. It often sends me into uncontrollable fits of shaking and heavy heart pounding. Everyone has those issues too, so I fell guilty in the end for not dealing with this better.
  5. This feeds into the above with the above. Despite that we are keeping a step ahead, I feel weak and sad that I am not contributing in some monetary fashion We are so limited by Meva's work schedule, which prevents me from getting any type of even part time job, and the few I've pursued have balked. So, I bring this pressure all on myself.
  6. I mentioned family before, but I'm going to mention two people again, that's Traci and my mother (This isn't a usual rant about her). Keeping this short, Teri paid for Traci and her daughters to come down and help out during her last weeks or months. By all accounts it was a bust, with Traci taking my mother's medication that she used for end stage pain management and becoming a threat and hazard to everyone around her. Two weeks prior to my mother's passing she moved hack to Illinois, but she couldn't afford the money for her oldest daughter, so she left her in Teri's care. Well its still a big mess that weighs on me because it is similar to and worse than the transient lifestyle of my childhood. Traci is going from cheap hotel room to the next, to loose friends and questionable elements all around. TO top it off, her behavior over the last few weeks strongly suggest that she is hitting what ever drugs she's doing very hard since she received her income tax money..My worry and stress is about my nieces. Should they survive this lifestyle, there are other deadly elements that are much closer and with easy access to two pretty little girls for whatever deviant desire they lose control of or give in to? I then become frustrated with my mother, because of all the battles her and I fought about concerning Traci and that the opportunity to teach her how to break this cycle and be able to take care of her self and family was now, not later. The fates of my nieces frustrates me and gets me to the point where I am shaking and going through anxiety attacks., It's just not something I can always work with on my own.
  7. I quite honestly feel alienated, of ostracized by my friends. I need companionship and company from time to time. But it is dead. My socializing has come almost to a standstill. I'm saying this because I feel I'm always avoided or excluded from activities or when I try to initiate something, it just doesn't come together. So I'm left feeling no one is interested in anything I suggest and things that other's put together exclude me. I've tried to politely show interest in whatever it is, only to either be told the something won't work with me or the room is immediately filled with regret and hesitation that is never hidden enough for me not to feel it, so I detach from the project or activity on my own. I'm not looking for fucking pity, so unless someone generally wants me there, I'm not going to be the off number! I know having kids effects my perceived availability, but they aren't attached to me all the time. In the end I feel like I've become the equivalent of a facebook friend.
Its' too early/late and I need sleep and get up in a few to take the trips to story and dance time at the library, I have more and I'll post them tomorrow or later today.

No comments: