Friday, March 6, 2009

We Interrupt This Angst To Bring You More Angst

If this is your first time visiting, you really need to start reading from the beginning. You can't possibly hope to understand the perspective and motivation for this blog without starting there. You can easily get to the beginning either from the sidebar, or by clicking here. Thanks.

Normally I talk about things, events, and people that are bothering me in one fashion or another and they're almost exclusively family members. I'm going to take a step back and try to do some introspection about myself because quite frankly, I'm bothering me.

I briefly mentioned this on Desultory Views, but I think this is a better venue to get more indepth. Turning 40 is bothering me, but not for the normal reasons. I don't think it's the midlife crisis type of crap that I see and hear others go through. I've got no desire to prove my youth with promiscuity or idiotic behavior. I don't need to defy death or laugh at danger. If anything I feel very satisfied and complete along those lines. So as usual there is this bizarre Chuck spin to things.

It's taken me a bit to pin point what is bothering me, and as I've gotten closer to my birthday I've had a tougher and tougher go of, well, things I guess. I'm having quite a bit of trouble relaxing or sleeping. I feel constantly on edge. Not really restless, but more anticipating and waiting for something unpleasant to happen. The most direct result of this is my lack of patience. Generally speaking it can be damn near nonexistent at times, especially in the face of stupidity, ignorance, and poor behavior from others, but lately I find that I am almost embracing a discord of laothing. I hate that and all the unpleasantness and negativity it breeds.

But at night I find myself just wanting to be alone, but I don't want to go to sleep. It's the only time I have quiet and some sense of calm and it invites reflection, which I notice I am subconsciously avoiding with distractions of any kind. As I try to fight this insomnia monster with mental discipline (failed), structure (failed), and even medicine (failed), I fear the prolonged affects of my defeats are taking their tole on me physically and if I am honest, emotionally too.

My eating habits are piss poor and I spend my mornings feeling like a zombie as I pump myself with enough caffeine to possibly raise the dead (or Dick Cheney! Hahahahaha. I'm trying to not be so somber here---work with me) and by then the late afternoons and evenings find me jumpy, grumpy, and suffering. I'm artifically stimulated from the caffeine that I need in the mornings at this point and it gets my mind racing and leaves me anxious.

I spend my time trying to avoid thinking about two very distinct, but kind of related things: accomplishments and appearance. I think about myself at 40 and I don't feel like I've accomplished much aside from college, donating sperm, and babysitting. Yeah, I know that's an extremely negative view, but if I could avoid that I wouldn't be posting now and trying to work through it now would I?

The issue of appearance is simple, I am out of shape and it disturbs me. There are the obvious health reasons, but I find myself thinking of how embarassed my children will be by having a fat daddy. God it stresses me out and fills me with shame, self-loathing, and anger like I rarely experience. And to make matters worse, I keep this bottled up. Solutions are obvious, but the paths to them have once again become daunting and difficult.

And then there is the lack of accomplishments. As rewarding as staying at home with the triplets is, it is also mind-numbingly boring. I often find myself feeling like a horse that has been put to pasture after he can no longer compete. It doesn't help that money is extremely tight and working would help us out tremendously. So I find my mind wandering, looking at myself and where I'm at and what I've accomplished. Quite frankly its not enough and its obviously not fulfilling.

So coupled with my reservations on my appearance and hitting the milestone of 40, the lack of sleep, the anxiety, and stress that I've been bottling is starting to show itself physically. From aches and pains, to headaches and migraines, to nausea, and anxiety type panic attacks, I feel a total mess. There are times, most often when everyone has gone to sleep for the night or when the triplets are down for a nap, that my hands just shake, and my heart races, and I feel like everything is caving in on me. In the back of my mind I keep hoping that it will all pass once I turn 40 and I am past that and can see that everything really is ok. But even then I doubt I'll feel better because the truth is that regardless of age, what's bothering me has nothing to do with how old I am, but whether or not I've been as productive as I think I should.

So I hope that everyone who has undoutedly picked up on my mood swings, distance, or lack of patience will understand and not take this personal as I work through this.

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