Tuesday, March 17, 2009


If this is your first time visiting, you really need to start reading from the beginning. You can't possibly hope to understand the perspective and motivation for this blog without starting there. You can easily get to the beginning either from the sidebar, or by clicking here. Thanks.

Many people in my life know that I've had problems with my father for so many years now that all I've ever said is that he wasn't a part of my life and that I always considered Louis Cicirello as my Dad because he was there for me when my own father wasn't.

This is something that took place over 27 or so years growing up. Lou influenced me, guided me, inspired me, and if you knew him (or caught a lecture), you understand that man could frustrate me! But I absolutely loved him and for years I openly pointed to him as my father and professed my love for him. And when I talk about my father, it is equally important to understand this about me.

After losing both Lou and my Mother in less than 9 months, my father unexpectedly called me and wanted to be a part of my life! Yeah, I was floored. Absolutely blindsided. This wasn't something I thought would ever happen. I believed it so much that the night before he called my wife and I were talking about my relationship with him and she wanted to know what he could possibly do at this point. I told her, as frankly and honestly as I could, that "All he needs to do is to just make an attempt to get in touch with me and tell me he's not happy with the way things are, and that he wasn't to work on that and have me be a part of his life." But I also said I don't think it will ever happen. Of course he calls the very next morning saying pretty much that exact thing.

This was two months ago and we've averaged talking at least once a week. It's been awkward at times for both of us I think, as well as his wife and my brothers, but I think everyone is trying to go forward with a fresh start and committed to making this work. That is all I've ever wanted from him.

But if you've read any of my blogs, specifically this one, you know that I have been openly critical and angry at him over the past. I know that some people on his side of the family have read them and our upset and concerned as a result.I can totally appreciate that, because the things I wrote were very harsh and critical of him and his actions. I have no doubt that they are/were hard for them to read and it hurt them. I respect that, but I also respect myself and my right to feel anyway I do. But how I feel isn't indicative of how I think or how I act, or even what I dream of. While I won't take back the things I said, I have chosen to work past them and build a new, stronger, father-son bond from this point forward.

None of the above means I am forgetting the past or even excusing it. But the only way I can understand it, and then hopefully put it behind me, is to move forward with the best intentions and maybe wear his shoes for awhile. I know there will be nothing that will absolve him of his actions, and I don't necessarily think he is looking for that. A great example of this is something he told me recently which made perfect sense for some of the choices he made, but when I look at it as an adult, and as a father, I will always believe he should have chosen differently. But definitely understand where he came from and how someone could make the choices he did as a result.

One of the things we have talked about in regards to the two of us is the importance of my mother. It was her death that I feel ultimately lead to him reaching out to me. I felt that from the beginning. And as we talked about the past and the present, something came out that explained a lot to me, or to put it another way, it moved a curtain and allowed me to see something I couldn't see before. He said that source behind many of his decisions was that he didn't want to have my mother involved in his life.

I know that feeling all too well. My mother could be difficult and spending time with her wasn't easy, rarely relaxing, and often forced a person to keep their guard up, and this is coming from her son! I can only imagine how much more intense it might have been for my father.

Telling me that brought me closer to him. I understood him and could easily relate to the pressures and obligations he was under when having to deal with my mother. It kept me away from here at the end of her life, so I can easily see him making that choice himself. I still don't agree with it, but understanding makes a world of difference and that is the reason I choose to go forward and learn and not stay in the past and judge.

I had originally planned on writing about being 40 again but as I got into it I decided I couldn't avoid thinking about something else that I have been putting off talking about here for quite awhile, so my getting old, rocking chair rant will have to wait. I'm going to talk about my father.

After years of conflict and tension I now have a relationship with my father and it's a positive one. I never really expected this to happen and it is mind boggling to be in this position.

A year ago I would have doubted this ever happening, but it is today's fact.

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