Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Episode IV --- A New Hope

If this is your first time visiting, you really need to start reading from the beginning. You can't possibly hope to understand the perspective and motivation for this blog without starting there. You can easily get to the beginning either from the sidebar, or by clicking here. Thanks.
This week Meva told me that for the first time in a long time she feels like she has her husband back.

This is significant because the last 5 years have been extremely difficult and enlightening for me as I've come to accept and better understand the extent and power depression has on me. At times it has been all-consuming, even causing Meva to strongly question and believe that I might be bi-polar. For me to say that it has had a powerful influence on me is really an understatement.

When I'm at my worst, I am extremely anti-social, irritable, and passive-aggressive and I find that I can't control the self-destructive behaviors which cause me to push everyone away. It's frustrating and further fuels all the negative urges of Depression. I don't want to get too descriptive about everything I did wrong or poorly, but suffice it to say that this has cost me dearly. I've alienated friends and family and has all but ostracized me from those who were among my closest and dearest friends. I don't blame them for avoiding me because reflection has allowed me to see just how terrible I was.

To those of you that read this and fall within that category, I'm sorry. I can't erase my mistakes no matter how hard I try, but I with time I might be able rebuild the friendships we had, but I understand I may not be deserving of that opportunity and that is something I will have to learn to accept and live with.

So, how did this happen? It wasn't quick or easy, that's for sure. I would have good days and you probably wouldn't even suspect what I was going through (if you didn't already know about it) and then I'd have a string of bad days and I'd hide in plain sight from everyone and lash out in every direction at the slightest irritation or conflict. But after failing to manage the depression without better living through modern chemistry, I began to feel I was hitting a wall and doing nothing but injuring myself and my family. I took the initiative and began a program using the drug Celexa and rebuilding my sleep hygiene. It's only been two months, so I can't be 100% sure if it is working, but I see results. What's more important is also the fact that I am not the only one.

I expect there will still be bumps in the road even if this current plan continues to be successful, but hopefully any slights from here on will be insignificant and easily forgiven.

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