Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Hello???...............I'm not listening

The passage of time since my mother died is making this adjustment easier on me. Luckily (i think ) I had a tooth and gum infection set in shortly after wards that required some seriously extensive surgery to get rid of the tooth and fix the damage that was necessary to make to get it out. Anyways, that equaled plenty of pain and has taken my extra time to focusing on that after I do things for the wife and kids here.

So, thinking about her has lessened to the point I expect that very soon I will have my first day and possibly longer with out thinking about her. Both will be sad and welcome relief.

But I've not stood still throughout all of this. I am beginning to think about what my life's philosophy is and I am beginning to re-examine my outlook. I expect this will be a personal spiritual quest. I don't have much beyond that to share, so I will wait until that time to share it here.

I talked to two family members in the last week. My sister Teri and I talked for most of the hour. I still feel real bad for her because even though most of the things that need to be done are done, she's still exhausted and bewildered with her new life and that of her children. She also got a promotion at work that should help to make her life easier both financially and socially (with new hours). But she's still very angry, hurting, and it's going to be awhile before she can come to peace with all her feelings. She's just not ready to heal and let go of the pain yet and even then who knows what her mind set will be like.

I also got a call from my Aunt Gail today, kind of out of the blue. Teri mentioned to me that Gail wasn't doing well, which if you remember I said was obvious after Gail's telephone conversation with Traci. Gail and I talked about it, and of course Gail had a different perspective that didn't sound nearly as bad as what I was previously told was accurate--- no big surprise there. I took the quick way out and said that I didn't know what was said and didn't want to because it changes absolutely nothing. People are still upset about it (and the reasons they talked about it), nothing from the past has changed, and my mom is still dead.

But I think that Gail's reason for calling was to try and see how I was and just get a gauge of what I was thinking and feeling, which is to be commendable. She specifically said she didn't want to call earlier because she didn't know what to expect.

I was really caught off guard with this, due mostly to the pain I am in and the meds I am on.....I was unfortunately not on the top of my game (and because of that I think I did wonderfully since there was no fighting). But I don't remember exactly how we segued into different topics, but she brought up the division between my mother and I right before her death. I think she did a good job of not getting to judging me too much, but she was still a bit condemning of my actions. I had a chance to fire back about her own issues over a similar situation between her and my grandfather when he died and how that experience doesn't relate here, but with the risk of alienating her and causing her more pain or strife, I just repeated to her what I was upset about and why my actions were chosen. I actually started my reply by politely saying that it wasn't anyone's business but my mother's and mine. That all being said, Gail still went and made excuses for her and showed no understanding or even respect for me.

Next she began talking about my kids and how I need to be careful about letting things affect them through me and not to be poisonous and filled with vitriol when telling them about her. I tried very hard to focus on her motivation here, because I truly think she wanted to be helpful and protective. I am going to have to work to get past those comments because that actually really pissed me off. Regardless of being a parent, I am a much better human than to act like that. It's insulting to me to have someone, a relative especially, think so little of me that they think they're doing me a service. They have no previous recorded behavior to base that assumption on and have very little experience or knowledge of how I raise my kids, so it's fucking pathetic to me to take that stance. I'll get over it because I believe her heart was in the right place, but it just goes to show how much that they have no idea about who I really am, as well what my outlooks are on probably anything.

As I would tell Ivan my therapist, those are her issues to get over with, I just need to learn how to react to her and keep myself free from that type of shallow assumption making and conversation, which is about 85%-90% of how things are handled.

I won't be seeing Ivan until after the holidays, but one of the things we are going to work on and look at, is my desire to really break ties with all of my family once and for all. I don't want it to be a huge explosive battle when it happens, I'd much rather have things fade without commotion than anything else. We'll see.

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