Tuesday, December 9, 2008


It's just about two weeks now since my mother died. I've flown through a ridiculous amount of emotions and feelings since then that I don't think I have anything left. I'm looking forward to my regularly scheduled therapy session tonight which I am hoping will help me find some perspective and start moving forward.

The hardest thing I am dealing with right now is that I don't feel connected to anyone any more. The thought of spending time with my friends is damn near revolting and stomach churning. Socializing seems very pointless right now because I don't see that it offers me anything and I doubt I would want to even contribute. Getting me to spend time with others is going to be like pulling teeth.

I just feel like I have so much work to do that it isn't even worth it to try and get together with people, regardless of the reason. To be quite honest, I no longer feel connected with anyone that I am friends with. I look at them, and besides the obvious polite conversation topics, they just seem to be bored by anything I bring up. So I don't. I usually take the excuse to watch the triplets and spend time with them and any other kids and pray for the time to pass quickly so I can make an early exit. I am sure it is all me, but I feel so disconnected from my friends that they seem foreign and strange. Maybe this is something to examine soon on here too, because even though I feel this way, I recognize it is not right.

At this point I just want to make sure I don't start hating people. Specifically my family. I know I don't want them in my life anymore, but I am having a bit of trouble shutting that door. It doesn't have to be for good, but honesty and logic suggest that it very well may be that way because they probably won't change. I think that once my sister has the final services for my mother here in Illinois that I will stop contacting anyone and just move on with my life. I think that is truly the best for me, and it's certainly the best for my wife and kids.

I wanted much more and for things to be so much better, but that was obviously never to be. And as I've said here before, I had control over myself, my words, and my actions, and I am proud of how I conducted myself in all those areas. Others had, and probably are still having, a hard time with them, but they are the ones who control their reactions,

I'll probably write more in a few days after I have had time to digest my therapy session tonight.

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