Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Quandries and Insomnia

The whole issue of being bi-polar has really been weighing on me for the last two weeks. I was really set against it, for all the reasons I elaborated on in my last post, but my therapist put an interesting spin on the entire issue when she hinted that I might never be able to deal with my out standing issues and depression unless I have that checked out and determine if I indeed have that and exactly to what extent it is effecting me. There must have been something to that because in the days following my last session with her, I've really dwelled on that and it's got me curious enough to proceed for the time being. To that end I've arranged for a meeting with a psychiatrist on the 31st of this month.

Despite that, I'm not happy about this. It may be pride, or ignorance, or a mixture of both, but I find this prospect to be demeaning and it makes me even more depressed. Instead of having a self image of strength and power, I feel broken and empty as a result of this. In many ways it feels like I've opened Pandora's Box and I've been swallowed by apathy. It has become an almost impossible struggle to just complete each day's tasks and responsibilities. I'm at a point where I just want to be happy and healthy, but the harder I try to get to that point, the more I discover problems. I truly feel alone in a way I've never felt before.

My bouts with insomnia continue and I find myself wondering about my family. Although my therapist says I've made great strides, I still feel an incredible amount of anger at both my mother and my father. Sometimes I sit up at night in my chair, pondering everything they've done to me its all I can do to keep myself in check and not let out a giant yell or search for something to break.

The problems with my mother are deep, too deep for me to fully explore even here. The worst part is that I'm at a point in which I'm forced to wait patiently as other pieces of that game are played before I can move again. Yes that's cryptic, but I do have family who read this and until the past is brought to light, I have to be guarded.

My father presents his own unique set of problems. It's been about a month and a half since I talked to him and I keep playing the whole conversation over and over in my head. I realize that from the very first exchange I was in shock by what he said and even how he looked. Of course as he continued to open his mouth and spit out lies and surprises I truly found myself at a loss and unsure of exactly what to say or do. His revelation that he knew about the ..... dark parts of my childhood, still leave me bewildered by his inaction. For me that has redefined him to the point that I feel I have more in common with a bear than I do him. I can't ever accept his reasons or excuses and I feel I need to tell him this in no uncertain terms and let the chips fall as they may.

On the other side of all this, I've now had contact with both of my brothers. I'd truly love to talk to them more and possibly rekindle our relationships, but I'm concerned the rift between my father and I may not allow this. No matter how horrible and despicable my father was concerning me, he was the exact opposite to my brothers. Where I may loathe him, they will rightly love and admire him. I don't know if they'll ever be able to accept how I see him. So I go back and forth with wondering whether or not I should pursue these relationships until I've had a chance to talk to my father one last time.

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