Friday, January 11, 2008

One More Thing

As I've continued through this little journey of mine, I've had my shares of ups and downs, which I've tried to share here on my blogs. I think overall I've handled things well and made great strides. Hell, I'll even go so far as to give myself credit and say that I don't think most people could handle my affairs with the success and aplomb that I have.

Despite this, recently Meva has grown increasing concerned over my behavior. My recent bouts with insomnia and sleep got her to thinking and she had me go through a test and believe I may be bi-polar, suffering from a less dramatic sequence of manic episodes. She'd like me to meet with a psychiatrist a drug program to help control my manic episodes.

It's not a shock that I'm not too thrilled about this latest turn. My whole point in going to counseling was to heal by confronting my past and my family that have served to be huge debilitating issues that reach from the past into the future. Suffering from bi-polar disease would be another hassle for me to deal with at a time in which I already have a full card. It's really more than I want to tackle right now, and here's why.

The test Meva gave me isn't definitive, but its portent is strong. What would happen next would be a more thorough interview with a psychiatrist who will evaluate me and then begin prescribing a series of drugs to deal with this. Obviously there will be side effects to whatever I'm prescribed, but it's worthless to think about at this time. What concerns me is that finding the right combination and mixture of drugs isn't always easy and often requires many visits and adjustments to whatever cocktail they come up with. Again, more hassles that will make my already difficult schedule even more hectic, not to mention the costs of the office visits and pills.

Overall, what concerns me the most is the effect the drug treatment will have on my mental capacity. The last thing I want is to become sluggish, dull, and unable to focus. It can get to a point that you no longer feel like yourself anymore and I've heard stories about it really making people apathetic to everything.

This is the exact type of development that could interfere with my counseling and progress, let alone my mind in general. Could it effect my writing, either in desire or proficiency? I don't know. This is what I'll be weighing over the next week or so. Getting "better" at the potential cost of losing myself is a difficult decision to make and one I'll need to research more.

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