Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Updates of All Kinds

Let me start out by saying that after all the time that has lapsed between my meeting with my father, I am so glad that I went through with it. My last post summarized the main points, or at least most of them, and I need to illuminate a bit more so that anyone who is reading this blog fully understands my intentions before passing my words across the country to other interested parties;

My father is definitely not looking well. Between talking to him and his wife, then my youngest brother Mike, and then my sister Teri who told me both directly and indirectly that he has trouble recalling events of the past, and what he does remember is often out of sequence. For example, interchanging my high school years and with my middle school years. It makes seeking answers hard.

He has some type of condition or conditions that seem to eating away at his joints. No one is sure if it is a new form of severe arthritis or possibly cancer. Without any training or experience I get the early feeling that it is some kind of cancer due to his appearance (he is thin and looks frail) and his inability to gain weight is a troubling sign.

I will be the first to confess that I ambushed him showing up unannounced the way I did. I think I had valid reasons for doing it that way, but it also came with its disadvantages. While it allowed me to catch him unprepared for my questions, I wonder if it wouldn't have been better if he had some time to think things out a bit more thoroughly. That is something I will never know for sure.

It's been over a month now since I saw him and I'm less angry than I thought I would be. To be honest, I thought I would be livid when I left, but some how I wasn't. I plan on meeting with him again, hopefully sooner than later, and I'm interested in how that meeting will go. This time I want to arrange a time and a date so that he can be more prepared, rested, and ready for it. And while I still intend to be polite and cordial, I'm also prepared not to hold back to the extent I did last time. I could be absolutely wrong for that, but I think that is something I need to do.

The man trouble with my confrontations with him is the perspectives we are coming from entirely different perspectives. I honestly don't think he respects what I am going through and why I need to address things in the manner I want to. This is based on the beginning of our meeting when I told him I had some serious issues about "my crappy childhood." His response was that "Everyone's had a crappy childhood!" Right at that moment I felt that the distance between us had doubled. He seemed unwilling or incapable of understanding these issues at the depth at which I have been dissecting them for years. It was completely disrespectful and it really set a tone.

So anyways, the Holidays have come and gone without any communication between him and myself, as well as my brothers. I do intend on calling them shortly and checking in, especially with my brothers. I want to at least attempt to reconnect with them and form some type of relationship with each of them. It's going to be difficult, but if both of them are as open and willing as I am, then it isn't impossible.

I'm also talking with one of my sisters. We've pretty much put our recent squabbles behind us and I think that is for the best for now. I do want to go back and revisit them, but we both have larger and more evil fish to fry.

As for my mother and my other sister goes, I don't really know what to say. I'm not directly mad at my youngest sister, but she continues to live her life in a way I don't approve of and seeing how it affects my nieces and nephew really eats away at me, so I find it best to just pull away and keep that stress that comes with it out of my life.

My mother is a different story. There are big deep issues at hand that for the time being I am unable to even act on them. I've gone over these problems in my head time and time again and I can never find a favorable outcome. She was very gracious at Christmas time in sending a wonderful gift card to us for my children, but I am not even sure if I am going to use it. Part of me would like to send it back, but I'm not looking to insult her despite my feelings. I could donate it to a charity, but I'm not really sure what I want to do. All I know if that I would feel uncomfortable spending it as I really don't want anything from her right now. Yeah, I'm an insensitive bastard I suppose if you're wanting to look at this harshly and with blinders, but I'm fine with anyone who believes that.

I say that because I've already caught some shots about talking to my mother, although they were very minor I still got them, and I expect bigger ones to come anytime now. She's been living at my aunt's house less than 3 miles from me and I haven't made an attempt to talk to her or see, nor am I planning on it. I know I have family that reads this, and I'm fine with that. But to those who would like to judge me, you might want to consider a full picture and do some walking in my shoes. Very few people know what I know and for someone to judge me without this knowledge, it would be unfair. Yet I still expect that.

Although the tone of this post sounds darker and more negative, I myself am not nearly as angry or upset as it may lead you to believe. I've spent the majority of the time since my last post and this post, concentrating on my family, raising my children, and enjoying the Holidays with my friends and other family members. It's been a joyous time, but now it's time to get back to healing.

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