The holidays are always tough considering the shitbag of experience that is my life with my family, but it's even worse during this time. It seems that many of them choose to use this as a time to behave in the worst ways, or to have this time to spotlight their poor choices and faults so that they can cry to the rest of us so that we can help "Save Christmas" for either themselves, everyone, or my personal favorite, the children.
So this leaves me in the dichotomy of hating the holidays, but wanting them be everything they weren't growing up. I admit this is depressing for me, and dealing with the change of seasons and the whole "holiday Depression Syndrome" itself doesn't make for good times for me.
This year I've been working real hard not to get sucked into to all of the usual patterns, tricks, and negativity of my family and the season. My intentions are to make this the first of many wonderful Christmas Holidays for my children. I may never be able to smother them with toys, but I will due everything I can to make them fun, magical, and as exciting as possible.
But this year it seems that my mother is going to die, or at least that's what I get from here camp. Since I'm not there I have no way of knowing exactly what is happening and I am sure my sister Teri is probably feeling over her head in dealing with this, but I've heard this before. Teri even pointed this out to me last week when she called me to say that at the time she wasn't doing well and that they don't know how much longer she has.
In another post I'll explain myself better, but last year I chose to pull away from her and stop communicating with her. As she has marched closer and closer towards death's door, this decision of mine has begun to weigh heavily on her and the rest of my family. What's being said and how it's being said, I don't have the faintest idea. I have to be honest and say that I don't really care. Despite the heat I continue to get, and heat that will surely rise after she is gone, I will not change my position.
For my family members who read this, and as well as anyone else, I did what I did to protect myself and my family. It may have taken me 38 years to reach the conclusion, but talking with my mother brings nothing good. There is usually only hate, and lies, and manipulation, all of which serve to hurt and burn me. I just got to a point in my life where I was no longer going to allow that to happen to me and have that in turn affect my children or wife. Period. It's not the popular choice, but it's the right choice.
So, I'm on the phone with Teri, listening to her tell me how badly my mother is doing, and I'm trying to offer the most support I can considering my position, but it's not really much help I'm sure. And I get the feeling that what Teri wants to say, and won't say, is that I need call my mother. As I said above it isn't going to happen. But I relaxed my boundary just enough and offered to write a letter for Teri to read to her.
That was tough for me to do, but I thought I was as fair and honest as I could possibly be. I never said anything negative about her and even praised her in spots for things she had done in the past. But it took a lot out of me, but I felt a bit better having completed it. I sent it to Teri and I heard absolutely nothing back from her. I don't know what was happening, so I called her at work to verify if she got it and she of course said it never arrived to her. So with Teri still on the phone I resent it a few more times until she verbally told me that she had indeed gotten it.
I told her to read it to her if she needed to, but that I didn't want to hear back from her. Teri got a bit defensive and told me that it was out of her hands and that if my mother wanted to call me there was nothing she could do to stop it. So I expect some kind of call at any time really.
I don't know for sure if my mother has even gotten the letter yet, but I feel that what I said in it has been passed around and now everyone appears to be upset with me. So be it. I've been prepared for this from the get go and all I can do is control how I react, not their behaviors. And I know it's going to get bad because it's already started. My nephew David, Teri's son, who is a teenager and prone to drama sent out a bulletin on MySpace for me telling me I am a horrible person and that he hopes I die.
Yeah, that family of mine sucks. I wish that there was really something horrendous I had done that would justify there actions, but there isn't. But I am going to try and get past this and let is not affect me. Every minute that I allow myself to be angry or sad is a full 60 seconds of happiness that I've lost. They've all taken a lot from me, but I refuse to let them take that too.