Numb

This is not an easy post for me at all, and even as I begin to write it I'm not really sure what I'll be saying or how much.

Anyone who has visited this blog knows that from time to time I have skirted around the issue of a deep dark family secret. It's the worst kind of secret and I need to vent specifically about it. As a result, this is potentially a post I may end up deleting, but I have to get it out there.

Easter evening I received a frantic phone call from my youngest sister. She was crying and in hysterics because she had finally decided to tell people that her father (my step-father from my mother's second marriage) had raped and molested her throughout the years. It started when she was 4 yrs old and he took her virginity and happened again when she was 8 yrs old.

She is a total mess and luckily she is getting counseling while she goes through this. I'm at a point where I am fixed with anger, confusion, hurt and concern. She was so emotionally distraught that it was hard to get any solid information about these terrible events, so it's left me impotent on how to act or what to do. I suppose patience and time will reveal the path I'll take throughout this time and how much I can help my sister.

This sister of mine has always had a tumultuous relationship with me because I didn't approve of her life choices. With this new information finally out in the open, the whole dynamic of out past has to be viewed in a different light. That won't be easy. I can only hope that she can find the strength to overcome this tragedy for herself, her marriage, and her children.

In the mean time I an waiting by the phone ready to offer any support I can give her. My years of teaching and schooling have given me a better insight into these types of cases and what the victims go through as they start to deal with these issues and I hope I can provide her with a compass or grounding to assist.

One of the things I am not feeling is survivors guilt or guilt in general. For one thing I wasn't aware of what was going on because I was a child, and two, since I was a child I would have been powerless to have stopped it. I just feel hurt that it happened at all.

Tomorrow I have my appointment with Ivan, which should be a doozy, I'm, hoping to be able to get some additional help in making sure I don't let my frustrations and anger get the best of me and lash out at my friends and family around me. Hopefully I'll have more to write about tomorrow.