As I wrote on my other blog, I'm in a real dark place in my life that I often refer to as a blue zone. Other than my wife, I work hard to keep this hidden from everyone because I want to be strong and helpful to anyone that needs me. It can be exhausting, but I love my friends and they are worth it in spades.
One of the worst things about being in this zone is the utter lack of motivation that rules my daily life. I find myself struggling to not just be happy, but to be content. I'm slowly losing interest in the things I often find bring joy to my life.
It's scary to even think about because this is a path that is so obviously dangerous. My psychiatrist seems t o want to treat me with nothing but medication, one of which I feel does absolutely nothing for me, and the other I think may actually be having adverse affects that are feeding into this latest round of the blue zone.
I find myself wanting to spend my days doing nothing, either sleeping or crying, or both. The funny thing is I hate naps and I hate crying, yet I fight these feelings and urges daily. It leaves me exhausted and mentally drained. I admit to being lost and not knowing what to do. I know I need help, but I don't know what kind. I feel myself fighting against my therapy and my psychiatrist, not intentionally, but because I feel so lost and overwhelmed I just don't know how to help them help me.
As I run things through my head over and over each day, I find myself wanting to embrace nature and challenge myself life never before. On my own, to get my bearings and center myself. I feel this is long overdue and just might provide enough solace to help me through this. I also want to go back to teaching and earn some money to make my family's life easier and more productive. Both are hard when you routinely lack the energy and motivation to even clean the front room.
To the few people who read this, I share my thoughts as a way to explain any distant or strange behavior you may have noticed. Please know it's my yolk and it's only something I can carry.