This is not an easy post for me at all, and even as I begin to write it I'm not really sure what I'll be saying or how much.
Anyone who has visited this blog knows that from time to time I have skirted around the issue of a deep dark family secret. It's the worst kind of secret and I need to vent specifically about it. As a result, this is potentially a post I may end up deleting, but I have to get it out there.
Easter evening I received a frantic phone call from my youngest sister. She was crying and in hysterics because she had finally decided to tell people that her father (my step-father from my mother's second marriage) had raped and molested her throughout the years. It started when she was 4 yrs old and he took her virginity and happened again when she was 8 yrs old.
She is a total mess and luckily she is getting counseling while she goes through this. I'm at a point where I am fixed with anger, confusion, hurt and concern. She was so emotionally distraught that it was hard to get any solid information about these terrible events, so it's left me impotent on how to act or what to do. I suppose patience and time will reveal the path I'll take throughout this time and how much I can help my sister.
This sister of mine has always had a tumultuous relationship with me because I didn't approve of her life choices. With this new information finally out in the open, the whole dynamic of out past has to be viewed in a different light. That won't be easy. I can only hope that she can find the strength to overcome this tragedy for herself, her marriage, and her children.
In the mean time I an waiting by the phone ready to offer any support I can give her. My years of teaching and schooling have given me a better insight into these types of cases and what the victims go through as they start to deal with these issues and I hope I can provide her with a compass or grounding to assist.
One of the things I am not feeling is survivors guilt or guilt in general. For one thing I wasn't aware of what was going on because I was a child, and two, since I was a child I would have been powerless to have stopped it. I just feel hurt that it happened at all.
Tomorrow I have my appointment with Ivan, which should be a doozy, I'm, hoping to be able to get some additional help in making sure I don't let my frustrations and anger get the best of me and lash out at my friends and family around me. Hopefully I'll have more to write about tomorrow.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
The Void of being Orphaned
It's been exactly two weeks since my dad Lou died and I miss him dearly. That's not a surprise considering what he meant to me, but I didn't think the degree would be as strong as it is. Don't get me wrong, I haven't been stricken down with grief or remorse. In fact I think I think the last 8 years gave allowed me to appreciate and prepare for when that day came. To be on the safe side, I threw in an extra session with Ivan in case I needed it.
During this session, everything seemed to be going fine, discussing the impact of my loss and the void that now exists.Even Ivan agreed that I was doing well handling the situation. Then he through me a question that caught me off guard:
"Do I feel abandoned by Lou's death?"
In all my thoughts about loss and grief and trying to remember and honor him I never once thought about it in that way. It's burned at the back of my mind since then and when I'm alone I find myself really considering the ramifications of that. Initially I wanted to dismiss it, but I don't think I can.
Although this instance was just a natural end to his life, I am once again left with a fatherless void. I suppose the part that really gets to me is how my own father has abandoned me. The fact that he's alive and still not making any effort to fix our relationship. It's all a smack in the face to both myself and to Lou, who stepped in when my dad wouldn't.
I guess I'm saying that this is a bit harder for me than I thought it would initially be. Not only was I abandoned by my natural father, but to a degree I was also abandoned by my mother, albeit in a different fashion. She remained behind and I was the one who finally stepped back and stopped contacting her, but her actions from my childhood served as an abandonment because she was more interested in pursuing her own desires and interests instead of being a parent to me or my sisters. So when I think about it from that perspective, this is a difficult time.
So what are the lesson(s) I'm supposed to take away from all this? Yeah, that's the toughest one. It's obvious that I have to always remain constant in being involved in my kids lives and give to them what Lou gave to me and what my own parents never did.
I also keep coming back to one of the last things that Lou said to me. He told me to take care of myself and to take advantage of my youth, my health, and the time I had remaining. Slowly, that is lighting a fire in me to do the things I want to do with my life because when it is all said and done, I don't want to be regretting the things I didn't do like Lou did on his death bed. It reminds me of a quote that's attributed to Mark Twain that goes something like this:
"Twenty years from now you won't be regretting the things you failed at, you'll be regretting the things you never tried to do or make happen."
And that's where I'm at. It's hard to think about it and decide how best to honor the final wisdom that Lou passed on to me. I only wish I had a parent to talk to that I trusted.
During this session, everything seemed to be going fine, discussing the impact of my loss and the void that now exists.Even Ivan agreed that I was doing well handling the situation. Then he through me a question that caught me off guard:
"Do I feel abandoned by Lou's death?"
In all my thoughts about loss and grief and trying to remember and honor him I never once thought about it in that way. It's burned at the back of my mind since then and when I'm alone I find myself really considering the ramifications of that. Initially I wanted to dismiss it, but I don't think I can.
Although this instance was just a natural end to his life, I am once again left with a fatherless void. I suppose the part that really gets to me is how my own father has abandoned me. The fact that he's alive and still not making any effort to fix our relationship. It's all a smack in the face to both myself and to Lou, who stepped in when my dad wouldn't.
I guess I'm saying that this is a bit harder for me than I thought it would initially be. Not only was I abandoned by my natural father, but to a degree I was also abandoned by my mother, albeit in a different fashion. She remained behind and I was the one who finally stepped back and stopped contacting her, but her actions from my childhood served as an abandonment because she was more interested in pursuing her own desires and interests instead of being a parent to me or my sisters. So when I think about it from that perspective, this is a difficult time.
So what are the lesson(s) I'm supposed to take away from all this? Yeah, that's the toughest one. It's obvious that I have to always remain constant in being involved in my kids lives and give to them what Lou gave to me and what my own parents never did.
I also keep coming back to one of the last things that Lou said to me. He told me to take care of myself and to take advantage of my youth, my health, and the time I had remaining. Slowly, that is lighting a fire in me to do the things I want to do with my life because when it is all said and done, I don't want to be regretting the things I didn't do like Lou did on his death bed. It reminds me of a quote that's attributed to Mark Twain that goes something like this:
"Twenty years from now you won't be regretting the things you failed at, you'll be regretting the things you never tried to do or make happen."
And that's where I'm at. It's hard to think about it and decide how best to honor the final wisdom that Lou passed on to me. I only wish I had a parent to talk to that I trusted.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Updates and Projections
I'm facing a bit of a crossroads right now with many of the issues I've talked about here. It's hard sometimes to devote the time to thinking about them as it's much easier to not deal with things and focus on the regular issues that are pressing to my immediate family. Things like my kids, the bills, and finding a new job.
My sessions with my therapist continue to go well, and I'm thankful for them. I can't believe the peace that I get from the sessions. It's important because it helps me find a center and allows me to function better and see myself more clearly. It may not appear that way to those around me, but I know my train of thought and I know the difference between how I am processing my life before and after a therapy session. I also know how different it is now compared to how it was prior to starting these sessions.
So, after a bit of a lull, things have picked up in regards to some of the issues I've had and been struggling with. I think the easiest one to talk about first is my father.
I'd be remiss if I didn't use this space to say what I really feel about the man. I basically think he is a tortured man who is mostly a coward, definitely a liar, and a very good manipulator. I can see why he and my mother were attracted to each other when they were younger due to some serious overlap in those traits.
Now, before I go further I need to explain something a bit more than I have in past posts. Previously I've commented on some terrible dark secrets taking place in my childhood without ever going into detail as to what they were. As of this time, I'm still not going to do that. I will enlighten those that read this that I am not centrally involved in this; point blank it didn't happen to me. It still bothers me and it does influence my behavior. It is not even close to being the driving force behind my actions, but its there.
In recent developments, my sister Teri talked to my father about his knowledge of these dark secrets based on what he and I talked about. He lied to my sister about what he said to me. When I talked to him, he acknowledged that it happened, that he knew about it, and that someone else in my family was also aware (but he wouldn't name that person). When Teri asked, he downplayed the incident and completely fabricated what he said he told me. For whatever his reason is/was, it still pisses me off to no end. I'd like to punch him in his lying fucking mouth. Teri says she knew he was lying, probably because it's obvious, but it just sucks that at the age of 60 he still can't be a man and own up to the truth-----especially on a subject that doesn't directly involve him.
I am honestly at the point where I am ready to cut all ties with the man because I just don't see him as someone I even want in my life, and I also don't think he wants to deal with us anymore. I don't know how happy it would make him to know, but he's real damn close to getting that wish. I told Teri that I believe I have the energy in me for one more meeting with him and barring any surprise revelations or changes in his attitude, it could be the last time he sees me or hears from me.
Should I decide to cut him out of my life, I think I need to be honest and say that nothing is ever set in stone and unable to be reversed. But it's a path that won't allow for him to meet his grandkids or for me to speak with him again. That means that should a family get together happen I will diplomatically shun him and if he tries to talk to me I will be as polite and frank as I can in my reminder to him as to why I'm not talking to him.
There are two drawbacks to this form of action though. I want to have a relationship with both of my brothers. We've made small first steps to get this rolling; its too early to say how that would go if things could be repaired with my father. But with the two of us at odds, it's sure to make this harder. I would respect each of my brother's decisions if they didn't want to stay in touch. To them I expect they think my father has been a great dad to them, which by everything I can see, he has. Having me around as a perpetual destroyer of myth may be more than they're willing to handle for their selves and their children (whom I'd one day love to meet.)
The second drawback involves my kids. Although he's known about them since they were born and has supposedly visited their blog, he's made absolutely no attempt to get in touch with me or try to see them prior to my meeting with him last month. I'll be damned if I'm going to let him waltz in and take partial credit for anything to do with them by playing the part of the proud grandpa. They already have two grandfathers; my wife's dad and my adopted dad Lou Cicirello Sr, who I love dearly and was there for me with advice, love, and openness when I needed it most. To me and my kids, he is their grandpa, and we will always think of him as such.
In more succinct terms, my father is on the way out the door and out of my life on a train of his own actions and poor choices
That brings me to my mother, and that's a whole other bag of tricks right there. I've tried to be diplomatic and as fair as possible in dealing with her, and despite the emotions that come up, I'll still attempt this, but I'm also not going to pull any punches either.
First off I have no idea why she feels the need to have her cousin Jan read these posts to her over the phone. My mother is staying at her sister's house and she could just as easily read this on her own. It was different when she lived with my sister Traci and they didn't have internet access, but now it feels almost dirty, like two old ladies gossiping over the fence. I don't care if Jan sees this, or anyone for that matter, but the whole thing comes off as odd to me. And before anyone asks, all the information as to who looks at these sites is recorded for me and I can see that and a slew of other information about their visits.
I have not spoken to my mother since October 15th. It was a Monday and it was two days before I had my left hand reconstructed with pins and screws and other fun stuff, so I remember this vividly. I know she's been pestering my sister Teri about how upset she is that I haven't called. The funny thing is that I didn't call on Thanksgiving, I didn't call on Christmas, and then recently I didn't call on her birthday. It should be obvious I'll call when I'm damn good and ready to. One of her biggest concerns is that she believes she'll never get to see my kids again. I'll be completely honest here and say that is absolutely a possibility. Nothing has been decided about that yet and it's nothing I've been specifically thinking about either, so it's not like I'm leaning one way or another. That's something I'll have to examine more at a later date.
I'll be honest and I'll say that those dark secrets of my past have something to do with this stance I have with my mother, but it's far from comprehensive. There are so many other issues that I have with her, it's not even funny. Frankly I find it offensive that she would think she's entitled to anything from me at all at this point. For those who may not remember or haven't gotten any specifics as to why I have these issues with my mother, let me remind you that these are things that happened as a child and a young adult and even as an adult. She's lied to me about reasons for borrowing money, she's stolen money from me by writing bad checks on a checking account I had (that she was listed on for emergency purposes), as a child there were several instances when she beat me with large objects like baseball bats and motorcycle helmets, she blatantly favored my younger sister Traci over Teri and I to such dangerous levels that we ended up becoming homeless due to her not paying rent and other bills that she could have afforded based on her income at the time, belittled me in front of her friends and our family members for situations that she caused, her role in the whole "Dark Secret" issue which I still haven't been able to get a full absolution of, repeatedly telling me and my sisters that we were a burden and that she wished "I never had you fucking kids," strangely that would often happen whenever we'd do something that was either a normal kid thing or something that would interfere with her attempts to go out or go after a man, and then finally there was her betrayal at the hospital.
That's all really the tip of the iceberg and I could go on with more and more nasty stuff, but I'm really not trying to piss on her. Sometimes I need to vent a bit and recite some of the many things she's done in the past. It is a necessary and healthy part of my therapy. The reason for this is that she's not a very nice person. Her actions speak louder than any words she has ever said. Even to this day she continues to be a burden to her kids and family when she's at an age (59) in which she should be working and living on her own. And despite her issues that inhibit her, she doesn't make any real attempt to correct this. As a parent the last thing I would want to do to my kids is to take away their freedom to live their own life and instead have to take care of me when I'm at an age and health in which I should be taking care of myself. All of that is really the issue for me.
I've seen her use my sisters kids like peons, having them get everything for her so she doesn't have to get out of her chair. I've seen her directly counter the wishes and desires of my sisters in disciplining and raising their kids, and manipulating them. She plays favorite with the kids too. Her hold over my nephew David is so strong that he was floored to hear that I actually love my mother. He literally had to be convinced that this wasn't a lie because he said that's not what his grandma has told him. I don't know how that happens or comes up, but its very existence is sad and damaging to me.
What it boils down to is that if I take the fact that she is my mother out of the equation, this would not be the type of person I'd want to associate with, let alone expose my kids to. But when you make this person my mother, then the results are that much more damaging and dangerous to all those around her.
So where am I? I don't know. I feel that I am in a losing situation no matter what I do. I'm going to wrap this up because it's late and I have a psychiatrist appointment in the morning and I need some sleep at least. In the end I have some really shitty parents. Parents who have lied, manipulated, and in some cases stolen from me and I just don't know if it's worth it to continue to have that stress in my life or to expose my children to them.
The point of this blog is and has been to be an outlet for me to discuss my feelings without interruption. It's important that I say this from time to time so that it reinforces my motivation to those few family members I have that read this. And just as I said when I started this blog, once I am at a point that I feel at ease with these issues, this blog will be going away.
My sessions with my therapist continue to go well, and I'm thankful for them. I can't believe the peace that I get from the sessions. It's important because it helps me find a center and allows me to function better and see myself more clearly. It may not appear that way to those around me, but I know my train of thought and I know the difference between how I am processing my life before and after a therapy session. I also know how different it is now compared to how it was prior to starting these sessions.
So, after a bit of a lull, things have picked up in regards to some of the issues I've had and been struggling with. I think the easiest one to talk about first is my father.
I'd be remiss if I didn't use this space to say what I really feel about the man. I basically think he is a tortured man who is mostly a coward, definitely a liar, and a very good manipulator. I can see why he and my mother were attracted to each other when they were younger due to some serious overlap in those traits.
Now, before I go further I need to explain something a bit more than I have in past posts. Previously I've commented on some terrible dark secrets taking place in my childhood without ever going into detail as to what they were. As of this time, I'm still not going to do that. I will enlighten those that read this that I am not centrally involved in this; point blank it didn't happen to me. It still bothers me and it does influence my behavior. It is not even close to being the driving force behind my actions, but its there.
In recent developments, my sister Teri talked to my father about his knowledge of these dark secrets based on what he and I talked about. He lied to my sister about what he said to me. When I talked to him, he acknowledged that it happened, that he knew about it, and that someone else in my family was also aware (but he wouldn't name that person). When Teri asked, he downplayed the incident and completely fabricated what he said he told me. For whatever his reason is/was, it still pisses me off to no end. I'd like to punch him in his lying fucking mouth. Teri says she knew he was lying, probably because it's obvious, but it just sucks that at the age of 60 he still can't be a man and own up to the truth-----especially on a subject that doesn't directly involve him.
I am honestly at the point where I am ready to cut all ties with the man because I just don't see him as someone I even want in my life, and I also don't think he wants to deal with us anymore. I don't know how happy it would make him to know, but he's real damn close to getting that wish. I told Teri that I believe I have the energy in me for one more meeting with him and barring any surprise revelations or changes in his attitude, it could be the last time he sees me or hears from me.
Should I decide to cut him out of my life, I think I need to be honest and say that nothing is ever set in stone and unable to be reversed. But it's a path that won't allow for him to meet his grandkids or for me to speak with him again. That means that should a family get together happen I will diplomatically shun him and if he tries to talk to me I will be as polite and frank as I can in my reminder to him as to why I'm not talking to him.
There are two drawbacks to this form of action though. I want to have a relationship with both of my brothers. We've made small first steps to get this rolling; its too early to say how that would go if things could be repaired with my father. But with the two of us at odds, it's sure to make this harder. I would respect each of my brother's decisions if they didn't want to stay in touch. To them I expect they think my father has been a great dad to them, which by everything I can see, he has. Having me around as a perpetual destroyer of myth may be more than they're willing to handle for their selves and their children (whom I'd one day love to meet.)
The second drawback involves my kids. Although he's known about them since they were born and has supposedly visited their blog, he's made absolutely no attempt to get in touch with me or try to see them prior to my meeting with him last month. I'll be damned if I'm going to let him waltz in and take partial credit for anything to do with them by playing the part of the proud grandpa. They already have two grandfathers; my wife's dad and my adopted dad Lou Cicirello Sr, who I love dearly and was there for me with advice, love, and openness when I needed it most. To me and my kids, he is their grandpa, and we will always think of him as such.
In more succinct terms, my father is on the way out the door and out of my life on a train of his own actions and poor choices
That brings me to my mother, and that's a whole other bag of tricks right there. I've tried to be diplomatic and as fair as possible in dealing with her, and despite the emotions that come up, I'll still attempt this, but I'm also not going to pull any punches either.
First off I have no idea why she feels the need to have her cousin Jan read these posts to her over the phone. My mother is staying at her sister's house and she could just as easily read this on her own. It was different when she lived with my sister Traci and they didn't have internet access, but now it feels almost dirty, like two old ladies gossiping over the fence. I don't care if Jan sees this, or anyone for that matter, but the whole thing comes off as odd to me. And before anyone asks, all the information as to who looks at these sites is recorded for me and I can see that and a slew of other information about their visits.
I have not spoken to my mother since October 15th. It was a Monday and it was two days before I had my left hand reconstructed with pins and screws and other fun stuff, so I remember this vividly. I know she's been pestering my sister Teri about how upset she is that I haven't called. The funny thing is that I didn't call on Thanksgiving, I didn't call on Christmas, and then recently I didn't call on her birthday. It should be obvious I'll call when I'm damn good and ready to. One of her biggest concerns is that she believes she'll never get to see my kids again. I'll be completely honest here and say that is absolutely a possibility. Nothing has been decided about that yet and it's nothing I've been specifically thinking about either, so it's not like I'm leaning one way or another. That's something I'll have to examine more at a later date.
I'll be honest and I'll say that those dark secrets of my past have something to do with this stance I have with my mother, but it's far from comprehensive. There are so many other issues that I have with her, it's not even funny. Frankly I find it offensive that she would think she's entitled to anything from me at all at this point. For those who may not remember or haven't gotten any specifics as to why I have these issues with my mother, let me remind you that these are things that happened as a child and a young adult and even as an adult. She's lied to me about reasons for borrowing money, she's stolen money from me by writing bad checks on a checking account I had (that she was listed on for emergency purposes), as a child there were several instances when she beat me with large objects like baseball bats and motorcycle helmets, she blatantly favored my younger sister Traci over Teri and I to such dangerous levels that we ended up becoming homeless due to her not paying rent and other bills that she could have afforded based on her income at the time, belittled me in front of her friends and our family members for situations that she caused, her role in the whole "Dark Secret" issue which I still haven't been able to get a full absolution of, repeatedly telling me and my sisters that we were a burden and that she wished "I never had you fucking kids," strangely that would often happen whenever we'd do something that was either a normal kid thing or something that would interfere with her attempts to go out or go after a man, and then finally there was her betrayal at the hospital.
That's all really the tip of the iceberg and I could go on with more and more nasty stuff, but I'm really not trying to piss on her. Sometimes I need to vent a bit and recite some of the many things she's done in the past. It is a necessary and healthy part of my therapy. The reason for this is that she's not a very nice person. Her actions speak louder than any words she has ever said. Even to this day she continues to be a burden to her kids and family when she's at an age (59) in which she should be working and living on her own. And despite her issues that inhibit her, she doesn't make any real attempt to correct this. As a parent the last thing I would want to do to my kids is to take away their freedom to live their own life and instead have to take care of me when I'm at an age and health in which I should be taking care of myself. All of that is really the issue for me.
I've seen her use my sisters kids like peons, having them get everything for her so she doesn't have to get out of her chair. I've seen her directly counter the wishes and desires of my sisters in disciplining and raising their kids, and manipulating them. She plays favorite with the kids too. Her hold over my nephew David is so strong that he was floored to hear that I actually love my mother. He literally had to be convinced that this wasn't a lie because he said that's not what his grandma has told him. I don't know how that happens or comes up, but its very existence is sad and damaging to me.
What it boils down to is that if I take the fact that she is my mother out of the equation, this would not be the type of person I'd want to associate with, let alone expose my kids to. But when you make this person my mother, then the results are that much more damaging and dangerous to all those around her.
So where am I? I don't know. I feel that I am in a losing situation no matter what I do. I'm going to wrap this up because it's late and I have a psychiatrist appointment in the morning and I need some sleep at least. In the end I have some really shitty parents. Parents who have lied, manipulated, and in some cases stolen from me and I just don't know if it's worth it to continue to have that stress in my life or to expose my children to them.
The point of this blog is and has been to be an outlet for me to discuss my feelings without interruption. It's important that I say this from time to time so that it reinforces my motivation to those few family members I have that read this. And just as I said when I started this blog, once I am at a point that I feel at ease with these issues, this blog will be going away.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Quandries and Insomnia
The whole issue of being bi-polar has really been weighing on me for the last two weeks. I was really set against it, for all the reasons I elaborated on in my last post, but my therapist put an interesting spin on the entire issue when she hinted that I might never be able to deal with my out standing issues and depression unless I have that checked out and determine if I indeed have that and exactly to what extent it is effecting me. There must have been something to that because in the days following my last session with her, I've really dwelled on that and it's got me curious enough to proceed for the time being. To that end I've arranged for a meeting with a psychiatrist on the 31st of this month.
Despite that, I'm not happy about this. It may be pride, or ignorance, or a mixture of both, but I find this prospect to be demeaning and it makes me even more depressed. Instead of having a self image of strength and power, I feel broken and empty as a result of this. In many ways it feels like I've opened Pandora's Box and I've been swallowed by apathy. It has become an almost impossible struggle to just complete each day's tasks and responsibilities. I'm at a point where I just want to be happy and healthy, but the harder I try to get to that point, the more I discover problems. I truly feel alone in a way I've never felt before.
My bouts with insomnia continue and I find myself wondering about my family. Although my therapist says I've made great strides, I still feel an incredible amount of anger at both my mother and my father. Sometimes I sit up at night in my chair, pondering everything they've done to me its all I can do to keep myself in check and not let out a giant yell or search for something to break.
The problems with my mother are deep, too deep for me to fully explore even here. The worst part is that I'm at a point in which I'm forced to wait patiently as other pieces of that game are played before I can move again. Yes that's cryptic, but I do have family who read this and until the past is brought to light, I have to be guarded.
My father presents his own unique set of problems. It's been about a month and a half since I talked to him and I keep playing the whole conversation over and over in my head. I realize that from the very first exchange I was in shock by what he said and even how he looked. Of course as he continued to open his mouth and spit out lies and surprises I truly found myself at a loss and unsure of exactly what to say or do. His revelation that he knew about the ..... dark parts of my childhood, still leave me bewildered by his inaction. For me that has redefined him to the point that I feel I have more in common with a bear than I do him. I can't ever accept his reasons or excuses and I feel I need to tell him this in no uncertain terms and let the chips fall as they may.
On the other side of all this, I've now had contact with both of my brothers. I'd truly love to talk to them more and possibly rekindle our relationships, but I'm concerned the rift between my father and I may not allow this. No matter how horrible and despicable my father was concerning me, he was the exact opposite to my brothers. Where I may loathe him, they will rightly love and admire him. I don't know if they'll ever be able to accept how I see him. So I go back and forth with wondering whether or not I should pursue these relationships until I've had a chance to talk to my father one last time.
Despite that, I'm not happy about this. It may be pride, or ignorance, or a mixture of both, but I find this prospect to be demeaning and it makes me even more depressed. Instead of having a self image of strength and power, I feel broken and empty as a result of this. In many ways it feels like I've opened Pandora's Box and I've been swallowed by apathy. It has become an almost impossible struggle to just complete each day's tasks and responsibilities. I'm at a point where I just want to be happy and healthy, but the harder I try to get to that point, the more I discover problems. I truly feel alone in a way I've never felt before.
My bouts with insomnia continue and I find myself wondering about my family. Although my therapist says I've made great strides, I still feel an incredible amount of anger at both my mother and my father. Sometimes I sit up at night in my chair, pondering everything they've done to me its all I can do to keep myself in check and not let out a giant yell or search for something to break.
The problems with my mother are deep, too deep for me to fully explore even here. The worst part is that I'm at a point in which I'm forced to wait patiently as other pieces of that game are played before I can move again. Yes that's cryptic, but I do have family who read this and until the past is brought to light, I have to be guarded.
My father presents his own unique set of problems. It's been about a month and a half since I talked to him and I keep playing the whole conversation over and over in my head. I realize that from the very first exchange I was in shock by what he said and even how he looked. Of course as he continued to open his mouth and spit out lies and surprises I truly found myself at a loss and unsure of exactly what to say or do. His revelation that he knew about the ..... dark parts of my childhood, still leave me bewildered by his inaction. For me that has redefined him to the point that I feel I have more in common with a bear than I do him. I can't ever accept his reasons or excuses and I feel I need to tell him this in no uncertain terms and let the chips fall as they may.
On the other side of all this, I've now had contact with both of my brothers. I'd truly love to talk to them more and possibly rekindle our relationships, but I'm concerned the rift between my father and I may not allow this. No matter how horrible and despicable my father was concerning me, he was the exact opposite to my brothers. Where I may loathe him, they will rightly love and admire him. I don't know if they'll ever be able to accept how I see him. So I go back and forth with wondering whether or not I should pursue these relationships until I've had a chance to talk to my father one last time.
Friday, January 11, 2008
One More Thing
As I've continued through this little journey of mine, I've had my shares of ups and downs, which I've tried to share here on my blogs. I think overall I've handled things well and made great strides. Hell, I'll even go so far as to give myself credit and say that I don't think most people could handle my affairs with the success and aplomb that I have.
Despite this, recently Meva has grown increasing concerned over my behavior. My recent bouts with insomnia and sleep got her to thinking and she had me go through a test and believe I may be bi-polar, suffering from a less dramatic sequence of manic episodes. She'd like me to meet with a psychiatrist a drug program to help control my manic episodes.
It's not a shock that I'm not too thrilled about this latest turn. My whole point in going to counseling was to heal by confronting my past and my family that have served to be huge debilitating issues that reach from the past into the future. Suffering from bi-polar disease would be another hassle for me to deal with at a time in which I already have a full card. It's really more than I want to tackle right now, and here's why.
The test Meva gave me isn't definitive, but its portent is strong. What would happen next would be a more thorough interview with a psychiatrist who will evaluate me and then begin prescribing a series of drugs to deal with this. Obviously there will be side effects to whatever I'm prescribed, but it's worthless to think about at this time. What concerns me is that finding the right combination and mixture of drugs isn't always easy and often requires many visits and adjustments to whatever cocktail they come up with. Again, more hassles that will make my already difficult schedule even more hectic, not to mention the costs of the office visits and pills.
Overall, what concerns me the most is the effect the drug treatment will have on my mental capacity. The last thing I want is to become sluggish, dull, and unable to focus. It can get to a point that you no longer feel like yourself anymore and I've heard stories about it really making people apathetic to everything.
This is the exact type of development that could interfere with my counseling and progress, let alone my mind in general. Could it effect my writing, either in desire or proficiency? I don't know. This is what I'll be weighing over the next week or so. Getting "better" at the potential cost of losing myself is a difficult decision to make and one I'll need to research more.
Despite this, recently Meva has grown increasing concerned over my behavior. My recent bouts with insomnia and sleep got her to thinking and she had me go through a test and believe I may be bi-polar, suffering from a less dramatic sequence of manic episodes. She'd like me to meet with a psychiatrist a drug program to help control my manic episodes.
It's not a shock that I'm not too thrilled about this latest turn. My whole point in going to counseling was to heal by confronting my past and my family that have served to be huge debilitating issues that reach from the past into the future. Suffering from bi-polar disease would be another hassle for me to deal with at a time in which I already have a full card. It's really more than I want to tackle right now, and here's why.
The test Meva gave me isn't definitive, but its portent is strong. What would happen next would be a more thorough interview with a psychiatrist who will evaluate me and then begin prescribing a series of drugs to deal with this. Obviously there will be side effects to whatever I'm prescribed, but it's worthless to think about at this time. What concerns me is that finding the right combination and mixture of drugs isn't always easy and often requires many visits and adjustments to whatever cocktail they come up with. Again, more hassles that will make my already difficult schedule even more hectic, not to mention the costs of the office visits and pills.
Overall, what concerns me the most is the effect the drug treatment will have on my mental capacity. The last thing I want is to become sluggish, dull, and unable to focus. It can get to a point that you no longer feel like yourself anymore and I've heard stories about it really making people apathetic to everything.
This is the exact type of development that could interfere with my counseling and progress, let alone my mind in general. Could it effect my writing, either in desire or proficiency? I don't know. This is what I'll be weighing over the next week or so. Getting "better" at the potential cost of losing myself is a difficult decision to make and one I'll need to research more.
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Updates of All Kinds
Let me start out by saying that after all the time that has lapsed between my meeting with my father, I am so glad that I went through with it. My last post summarized the main points, or at least most of them, and I need to illuminate a bit more so that anyone who is reading this blog fully understands my intentions before passing my words across the country to other interested parties;
My father is definitely not looking well. Between talking to him and his wife, then my youngest brother Mike, and then my sister Teri who told me both directly and indirectly that he has trouble recalling events of the past, and what he does remember is often out of sequence. For example, interchanging my high school years and with my middle school years. It makes seeking answers hard.
He has some type of condition or conditions that seem to eating away at his joints. No one is sure if it is a new form of severe arthritis or possibly cancer. Without any training or experience I get the early feeling that it is some kind of cancer due to his appearance (he is thin and looks frail) and his inability to gain weight is a troubling sign.
I will be the first to confess that I ambushed him showing up unannounced the way I did. I think I had valid reasons for doing it that way, but it also came with its disadvantages. While it allowed me to catch him unprepared for my questions, I wonder if it wouldn't have been better if he had some time to think things out a bit more thoroughly. That is something I will never know for sure.
It's been over a month now since I saw him and I'm less angry than I thought I would be. To be honest, I thought I would be livid when I left, but some how I wasn't. I plan on meeting with him again, hopefully sooner than later, and I'm interested in how that meeting will go. This time I want to arrange a time and a date so that he can be more prepared, rested, and ready for it. And while I still intend to be polite and cordial, I'm also prepared not to hold back to the extent I did last time. I could be absolutely wrong for that, but I think that is something I need to do.
The man trouble with my confrontations with him is the perspectives we are coming from entirely different perspectives. I honestly don't think he respects what I am going through and why I need to address things in the manner I want to. This is based on the beginning of our meeting when I told him I had some serious issues about "my crappy childhood." His response was that "Everyone's had a crappy childhood!" Right at that moment I felt that the distance between us had doubled. He seemed unwilling or incapable of understanding these issues at the depth at which I have been dissecting them for years. It was completely disrespectful and it really set a tone.
So anyways, the Holidays have come and gone without any communication between him and myself, as well as my brothers. I do intend on calling them shortly and checking in, especially with my brothers. I want to at least attempt to reconnect with them and form some type of relationship with each of them. It's going to be difficult, but if both of them are as open and willing as I am, then it isn't impossible.
I'm also talking with one of my sisters. We've pretty much put our recent squabbles behind us and I think that is for the best for now. I do want to go back and revisit them, but we both have larger and more evil fish to fry.
As for my mother and my other sister goes, I don't really know what to say. I'm not directly mad at my youngest sister, but she continues to live her life in a way I don't approve of and seeing how it affects my nieces and nephew really eats away at me, so I find it best to just pull away and keep that stress that comes with it out of my life.
My mother is a different story. There are big deep issues at hand that for the time being I am unable to even act on them. I've gone over these problems in my head time and time again and I can never find a favorable outcome. She was very gracious at Christmas time in sending a wonderful gift card to us for my children, but I am not even sure if I am going to use it. Part of me would like to send it back, but I'm not looking to insult her despite my feelings. I could donate it to a charity, but I'm not really sure what I want to do. All I know if that I would feel uncomfortable spending it as I really don't want anything from her right now. Yeah, I'm an insensitive bastard I suppose if you're wanting to look at this harshly and with blinders, but I'm fine with anyone who believes that.
I say that because I've already caught some shots about talking to my mother, although they were very minor I still got them, and I expect bigger ones to come anytime now. She's been living at my aunt's house less than 3 miles from me and I haven't made an attempt to talk to her or see, nor am I planning on it. I know I have family that reads this, and I'm fine with that. But to those who would like to judge me, you might want to consider a full picture and do some walking in my shoes. Very few people know what I know and for someone to judge me without this knowledge, it would be unfair. Yet I still expect that.
Although the tone of this post sounds darker and more negative, I myself am not nearly as angry or upset as it may lead you to believe. I've spent the majority of the time since my last post and this post, concentrating on my family, raising my children, and enjoying the Holidays with my friends and other family members. It's been a joyous time, but now it's time to get back to healing.
My father is definitely not looking well. Between talking to him and his wife, then my youngest brother Mike, and then my sister Teri who told me both directly and indirectly that he has trouble recalling events of the past, and what he does remember is often out of sequence. For example, interchanging my high school years and with my middle school years. It makes seeking answers hard.
He has some type of condition or conditions that seem to eating away at his joints. No one is sure if it is a new form of severe arthritis or possibly cancer. Without any training or experience I get the early feeling that it is some kind of cancer due to his appearance (he is thin and looks frail) and his inability to gain weight is a troubling sign.
I will be the first to confess that I ambushed him showing up unannounced the way I did. I think I had valid reasons for doing it that way, but it also came with its disadvantages. While it allowed me to catch him unprepared for my questions, I wonder if it wouldn't have been better if he had some time to think things out a bit more thoroughly. That is something I will never know for sure.
It's been over a month now since I saw him and I'm less angry than I thought I would be. To be honest, I thought I would be livid when I left, but some how I wasn't. I plan on meeting with him again, hopefully sooner than later, and I'm interested in how that meeting will go. This time I want to arrange a time and a date so that he can be more prepared, rested, and ready for it. And while I still intend to be polite and cordial, I'm also prepared not to hold back to the extent I did last time. I could be absolutely wrong for that, but I think that is something I need to do.
The man trouble with my confrontations with him is the perspectives we are coming from entirely different perspectives. I honestly don't think he respects what I am going through and why I need to address things in the manner I want to. This is based on the beginning of our meeting when I told him I had some serious issues about "my crappy childhood." His response was that "Everyone's had a crappy childhood!" Right at that moment I felt that the distance between us had doubled. He seemed unwilling or incapable of understanding these issues at the depth at which I have been dissecting them for years. It was completely disrespectful and it really set a tone.
So anyways, the Holidays have come and gone without any communication between him and myself, as well as my brothers. I do intend on calling them shortly and checking in, especially with my brothers. I want to at least attempt to reconnect with them and form some type of relationship with each of them. It's going to be difficult, but if both of them are as open and willing as I am, then it isn't impossible.
I'm also talking with one of my sisters. We've pretty much put our recent squabbles behind us and I think that is for the best for now. I do want to go back and revisit them, but we both have larger and more evil fish to fry.
As for my mother and my other sister goes, I don't really know what to say. I'm not directly mad at my youngest sister, but she continues to live her life in a way I don't approve of and seeing how it affects my nieces and nephew really eats away at me, so I find it best to just pull away and keep that stress that comes with it out of my life.
My mother is a different story. There are big deep issues at hand that for the time being I am unable to even act on them. I've gone over these problems in my head time and time again and I can never find a favorable outcome. She was very gracious at Christmas time in sending a wonderful gift card to us for my children, but I am not even sure if I am going to use it. Part of me would like to send it back, but I'm not looking to insult her despite my feelings. I could donate it to a charity, but I'm not really sure what I want to do. All I know if that I would feel uncomfortable spending it as I really don't want anything from her right now. Yeah, I'm an insensitive bastard I suppose if you're wanting to look at this harshly and with blinders, but I'm fine with anyone who believes that.
I say that because I've already caught some shots about talking to my mother, although they were very minor I still got them, and I expect bigger ones to come anytime now. She's been living at my aunt's house less than 3 miles from me and I haven't made an attempt to talk to her or see, nor am I planning on it. I know I have family that reads this, and I'm fine with that. But to those who would like to judge me, you might want to consider a full picture and do some walking in my shoes. Very few people know what I know and for someone to judge me without this knowledge, it would be unfair. Yet I still expect that.
Although the tone of this post sounds darker and more negative, I myself am not nearly as angry or upset as it may lead you to believe. I've spent the majority of the time since my last post and this post, concentrating on my family, raising my children, and enjoying the Holidays with my friends and other family members. It's been a joyous time, but now it's time to get back to healing.
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
My Father
It's early Wednesday morning/Tuesday night, almost 3am to be exact. I feel the need to let out about the entire meeting with my father, but the incredible nature of the what we discussed and what was revealed was so huge that it will take time for me to fully process everything. I think what might make me feel better is if I just go through and summarize/list some main points and things that stood out and then go into more about them later after I've had a chance to process each of them on their own and then together as a whole:
My last post predicted that I thought he would lie, placate, and blame my mother for many of my complaints, and he really did. In many ways it went as I thought, but it went beyond with surprise revelations and I left knowing I wold talk with him again to finish this.
On the plus side my younger brother Michael called me the next day and we had a great conversation. He invited me to a get together, but I declined at this time saying I just wasn't ready for that, and I'm not, but I truly hope this leads to a renewed relationship with him.
- My dad is ill. He looked horrible and almost 10 years older than he really is. My father-in-law has about 7 years on him, and he looks in better condition.
- When I asked him about not paying child support, he claimed he did, but that he paid it to my grandmother instead of my mother because she couldn't be trusted to spend it wisely. meaning she spent most of it on liquor and beer
- Despite having the same phone number for close to 10 years now, he claims he called and left me a message after he blew off my wedding.
- When I asked him why he wouldn't take me in when things were at their worst with my mother, he lied about when this was, blamed my mother, and then blamed me.
- He mentioned that he knew about the darkest evil from my childhood and gave the impression that he knew for years, that someone else in my family knows about it, and that there isn't one evil, but two.
My last post predicted that I thought he would lie, placate, and blame my mother for many of my complaints, and he really did. In many ways it went as I thought, but it went beyond with surprise revelations and I left knowing I wold talk with him again to finish this.
On the plus side my younger brother Michael called me the next day and we had a great conversation. He invited me to a get together, but I declined at this time saying I just wasn't ready for that, and I'm not, but I truly hope this leads to a renewed relationship with him.
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