I don't know how clear I was in my last post, but the issues I'm dealing with aren't happening in any type of quick fashion, they've been going on over the course of the last few weeks, and yes they've been hard. Night time is always the hardest. Insomnia has been another issue I've struggled with for the past few years with increasing difficulty. It is always during these times that I seem to get to my lowest, feel my most pain, and reach the darkest places of myself. As you might expect this is where I do the worst damage to myself and make rash decisions.
Tonight I feel bad. I feel like I want to embrace the worst parts of myself and discover how bad, how evil, how horrible I can go. Just saying it sounds as stupid as I know it is, yet the roiling turmoil inside of me is screaming in pain and asking to have it ended, seems to think it can only be satiated in the worst possible way. I wonder how much time I have left before I truly do something stupid?