I feel that the time is right for another entry, or several, on this blog because I need to come to grips with more issues. I don't know who is left out there that still checks on this from time or who will read this, but what I'm going to discuss is something I have to work through. I've tried for several days now to complete this post and each time the words escape me, probably as a result of some ingrained subconscious defense mechanism so I won't have to confront my feelings. I think the best thing for me to do is just to explain how this started.
My usual sleeping problems have gotten worse over the last month and when I can I usually have powerful nightmares that leave me thrashing, mumbling, or even shouting in my sleep. I've always been a vivid dreamer, but talking or physically reacting to them is very rare. The intensity of these dreams affected me greater than I would have ever imagined any dream could and on several occasions they have unlocked memories that I had pushed away and caused me untold amounts of confusion and trauma. What it has uncovered are memories of being molested as a child by my mother.
I dismissed the first couple of dreams as being nothing more than figments of my hyperactive mind, but the dreams continued and while I was awake I began to have more memories surface. Even now, just acknowledging this to myself internally makes me want to crawl out of my skin and seek safety in some unknown place. I tried every logical explanation I could conceive of that could strike down what I was remembering, but each attempt only led me to further examination and confirmation. Coming to terms with this new realization has been unbearable at times and pushed my depression into stages that has had me considering suicide in my weakest and lowest moments.
It's not commonly known to many people, but I have an addiction to painkillers such as hydrocodone, which I needed to seek treatment for. Times of stress and great anxiety heighten this alluring addiction because the benefits of overusing medication like this is that is keeps me numb and deadens my emotions and feelings. As I walk through the pained memories that I am experiencing all over again, the need to take away the pain and suffering that I am going through on a daily basis is overwhelming. I've abused my anxiety medication trying to mask the anger and resentment I'm going through so that now I'm battling this as well.
As meager as this collection of thoughts are, organizing and composing them have been draining, so I think I'll leave this alone for one night.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Slow to move
Tomorrow I have to pick out a psychiatrist and start the slow process of playing with my medication. I think I'm wishing for something that doesn't exist, a pill to help me with depression that doesn't make me numb with a lot of side effects. Ideally I'd like not to take a pill or any medication at all AND avoid therapy. I don't think that's going to happen, I'm convinced there is something screwed up in my body chemistry that requires help to get me in balance but there is a pull between being "normal" and feeling as though I am able to live and enjoy life on an emotional level.
I really can't stress how badly I want to be off of Celexa. Despite the success I have achieved with it I truly believe it has led to other problems in my life, namely the addiction and abuse of the painkiller hydrocodone. specifically Norco. Don't get me wrong, I still accept full responsibility for that but one of the side effects of Celexa is apathy and emotional flattening, which is what I talked about in my last entry. It's hard to recall what I was thinking while under the influence of the medication, but I wouldn't be surprised if, subconsciously at the minimum, I was attracted to the release of the hydrocodone and the euphoria that made me feel, something, instead of my usual wraith-like existence.
I have the will to live, I just want to feel the benefits of it again. Living an analytical existence is a half-life at best.
I really can't stress how badly I want to be off of Celexa. Despite the success I have achieved with it I truly believe it has led to other problems in my life, namely the addiction and abuse of the painkiller hydrocodone. specifically Norco. Don't get me wrong, I still accept full responsibility for that but one of the side effects of Celexa is apathy and emotional flattening, which is what I talked about in my last entry. It's hard to recall what I was thinking while under the influence of the medication, but I wouldn't be surprised if, subconsciously at the minimum, I was attracted to the release of the hydrocodone and the euphoria that made me feel, something, instead of my usual wraith-like existence.
I have the will to live, I just want to feel the benefits of it again. Living an analytical existence is a half-life at best.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
It's time to let the damn break
**************************Disclaimer**********************
If this is your first time visiting, you really need to start reading from the beginning. You can't possibly hope to understand the perspective and motivation for this blog without starting there. You can easily get to the beginning either from the sidebar, or by clicking here. Thanks.
***********************************************************
I've put off making posts of any kind here and on other blogs because I lack any feelings strong enough to right about them. The medications that I am on keep me insulated from the world and I find my public displays of happiness, joy, and even excitement and truly just myself going through the motions for the sake of others. I'm acting like me, or more specifically how I am supposed to be.
It doesn't matter what the event or situation is, its not personal, I just struggle through it. But the worst part is when I am left to my own and I realize I don't have any more feelings. I should explain that they are there, but they are just buried so deeply that they are almost an enormous task to access. The only exception being the joy and love my children bring out in me. But every other feeling or care it gone as I were sitting on a chair in a large empty room all alone..
Now, I don't really talk to anyone about this, or try to let on, but I am sure it manifests in some awkward aloofness. Even when we are gathered together for functions or a relaxed get together, trying to remember the appropriate times to laugh, act interested, ask further questions, or display the proper emotion to go along with the conversation or action based on how I am supposed to do so. It's funny that I do not believe people know how difficulty I am having over a simple conversation around "How bout dem Bears, huh?" These get togethers are so hard on me that I am ready to go 2 second before if starts. Don't get me wrong they're almost always wonderful situations but let me let people here in on a little secret that will probably do myself so good by finally letting it out even here. and is that these situations, which force so much confusion consistent low levels of terror and nervousness, end with me waiting to be alone at night sobbing to sleep because I feel broken. I've never even told this Meva for fear of rejection and not wanting to worry her further.
My reluctance to discuss this with Meva centers around what I feel/know if the cause of this, and that is my daily medication for depression Celexa, I think we would both argue that our lives have become less chaotic and more manageable since I have started taking it. But the truth is that I don't feel any more and I can't access my creativity and write like I used to. It makes me feel like such an enormous failure and that is slowly killing me.
To this end, I decided to stop taking the Celexa because I so desperately need to know I am alive, but after just a few days and not chance of seeing any symptoms I had to return to taking it, until I can get to a shrink and talk with him about what to do.
My asshole sister Traci has resurfaced again, wanting to borrow money so that she can make her way via bus to just show up at my other sister's house in Arizona. Teri's health is not good, and despite being told repeatedly not to come down there, Traci's plan is to do just that. This always stresses me out, so the last thing I need to do is be off my meds during this.
If this is your first time visiting, you really need to start reading from the beginning. You can't possibly hope to understand the perspective and motivation for this blog without starting there. You can easily get to the beginning either from the sidebar, or by clicking here. Thanks.
***********************************************************
I've put off making posts of any kind here and on other blogs because I lack any feelings strong enough to right about them. The medications that I am on keep me insulated from the world and I find my public displays of happiness, joy, and even excitement and truly just myself going through the motions for the sake of others. I'm acting like me, or more specifically how I am supposed to be.
It doesn't matter what the event or situation is, its not personal, I just struggle through it. But the worst part is when I am left to my own and I realize I don't have any more feelings. I should explain that they are there, but they are just buried so deeply that they are almost an enormous task to access. The only exception being the joy and love my children bring out in me. But every other feeling or care it gone as I were sitting on a chair in a large empty room all alone..
Now, I don't really talk to anyone about this, or try to let on, but I am sure it manifests in some awkward aloofness. Even when we are gathered together for functions or a relaxed get together, trying to remember the appropriate times to laugh, act interested, ask further questions, or display the proper emotion to go along with the conversation or action based on how I am supposed to do so. It's funny that I do not believe people know how difficulty I am having over a simple conversation around "How bout dem Bears, huh?" These get togethers are so hard on me that I am ready to go 2 second before if starts. Don't get me wrong they're almost always wonderful situations but let me let people here in on a little secret that will probably do myself so good by finally letting it out even here. and is that these situations, which force so much confusion consistent low levels of terror and nervousness, end with me waiting to be alone at night sobbing to sleep because I feel broken. I've never even told this Meva for fear of rejection and not wanting to worry her further.
My reluctance to discuss this with Meva centers around what I feel/know if the cause of this, and that is my daily medication for depression Celexa, I think we would both argue that our lives have become less chaotic and more manageable since I have started taking it. But the truth is that I don't feel any more and I can't access my creativity and write like I used to. It makes me feel like such an enormous failure and that is slowly killing me.
To this end, I decided to stop taking the Celexa because I so desperately need to know I am alive, but after just a few days and not chance of seeing any symptoms I had to return to taking it, until I can get to a shrink and talk with him about what to do.
My asshole sister Traci has resurfaced again, wanting to borrow money so that she can make her way via bus to just show up at my other sister's house in Arizona. Teri's health is not good, and despite being told repeatedly not to come down there, Traci's plan is to do just that. This always stresses me out, so the last thing I need to do is be off my meds during this.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Episode IV --- A New Hope
****************************Disclaimer**********************
If this is your first time visiting, you really need to start reading from the beginning. You can't possibly hope to understand the perspective and motivation for this blog without starting there. You can easily get to the beginning either from the sidebar, or by clicking here. Thanks.
*************************************************************
This week Meva told me that for the first time in a long time she feels like she has her husband back.
This is significant because the last 5 years have been extremely difficult and enlightening for me as I've come to accept and better understand the extent and power depression has on me. At times it has been all-consuming, even causing Meva to strongly question and believe that I might be bi-polar. For me to say that it has had a powerful influence on me is really an understatement.
When I'm at my worst, I am extremely anti-social, irritable, and passive-aggressive and I find that I can't control the self-destructive behaviors which cause me to push everyone away. It's frustrating and further fuels all the negative urges of Depression. I don't want to get too descriptive about everything I did wrong or poorly, but suffice it to say that this has cost me dearly. I've alienated friends and family and has all but ostracized me from those who were among my closest and dearest friends. I don't blame them for avoiding me because reflection has allowed me to see just how terrible I was.
To those of you that read this and fall within that category, I'm sorry. I can't erase my mistakes no matter how hard I try, but I with time I might be able rebuild the friendships we had, but I understand I may not be deserving of that opportunity and that is something I will have to learn to accept and live with.
So, how did this happen? It wasn't quick or easy, that's for sure. I would have good days and you probably wouldn't even suspect what I was going through (if you didn't already know about it) and then I'd have a string of bad days and I'd hide in plain sight from everyone and lash out in every direction at the slightest irritation or conflict. But after failing to manage the depression without better living through modern chemistry, I began to feel I was hitting a wall and doing nothing but injuring myself and my family. I took the initiative and began a program using the drug Celexa and rebuilding my sleep hygiene. It's only been two months, so I can't be 100% sure if it is working, but I see results. What's more important is also the fact that I am not the only one.
I expect there will still be bumps in the road even if this current plan continues to be successful, but hopefully any slights from here on will be insignificant and easily forgiven.
If this is your first time visiting, you really need to start reading from the beginning. You can't possibly hope to understand the perspective and motivation for this blog without starting there. You can easily get to the beginning either from the sidebar, or by clicking here. Thanks.
*************************************************************
This week Meva told me that for the first time in a long time she feels like she has her husband back.
This is significant because the last 5 years have been extremely difficult and enlightening for me as I've come to accept and better understand the extent and power depression has on me. At times it has been all-consuming, even causing Meva to strongly question and believe that I might be bi-polar. For me to say that it has had a powerful influence on me is really an understatement.
When I'm at my worst, I am extremely anti-social, irritable, and passive-aggressive and I find that I can't control the self-destructive behaviors which cause me to push everyone away. It's frustrating and further fuels all the negative urges of Depression. I don't want to get too descriptive about everything I did wrong or poorly, but suffice it to say that this has cost me dearly. I've alienated friends and family and has all but ostracized me from those who were among my closest and dearest friends. I don't blame them for avoiding me because reflection has allowed me to see just how terrible I was.
To those of you that read this and fall within that category, I'm sorry. I can't erase my mistakes no matter how hard I try, but I with time I might be able rebuild the friendships we had, but I understand I may not be deserving of that opportunity and that is something I will have to learn to accept and live with.
So, how did this happen? It wasn't quick or easy, that's for sure. I would have good days and you probably wouldn't even suspect what I was going through (if you didn't already know about it) and then I'd have a string of bad days and I'd hide in plain sight from everyone and lash out in every direction at the slightest irritation or conflict. But after failing to manage the depression without better living through modern chemistry, I began to feel I was hitting a wall and doing nothing but injuring myself and my family. I took the initiative and began a program using the drug Celexa and rebuilding my sleep hygiene. It's only been two months, so I can't be 100% sure if it is working, but I see results. What's more important is also the fact that I am not the only one.
I expect there will still be bumps in the road even if this current plan continues to be successful, but hopefully any slights from here on will be insignificant and easily forgiven.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Sleep Deprived Thoughts
****************************Disclaimer*****************************************
If this is your first time visiting, you really need to start reading from the beginning. You can't possibly hope to understand the perspective and motivation for this blog without starting there. You can easily get to the beginning either from the sidebar, or by clicking here. Thanks.
*************************************************************
I'm not at all sure why, but good, solid sleep has really become a premium for me. Over the last week I've had times where I have almost dreaded going to sleep at all. So I'm averaging about 3 hours of sleep a night and that means I've got a very short wick; which I then dangle around three little sparks all day long! And to top this off, it gives me the nastiest headaches in the world.
Despite being 40 now I still think I could lift my old truck and tip it completely over, so I've got that and the headaches going for me now.
Their are two consistent thoughts or issues that are prevailent during this time. One is a larger sense of my own mortality, but being 40 and working a job I truly never imagined I would be doing at this stage of my life makes that thinking easy. I can elaborate later on that because I've always had thoughts like this about mortality, so this isn't anything new.
What primarily bothers me is that I an still sorting out the mess that was my mother. I just keep playing so many of the negative things that she did, or in many cases didn't do, to me or for me. It is an exhausting but neccessary step that I have to take so I can move forward. But every time I do this, I go right back to the time these things happened and the original feelings of doubt, oppression, fear, loathing, hate, and even misanthropy all just crawl back under my skin and paralyze me. And I sit there watching these scenes play out and I see the damages they caused at the time--who they hurt, who those that were hurt then hurting others (myself included)-- and seeing this modeled as correct behavior.
It didn't matter if it was me getting beaten with motorcycle helmets or baseball bats, having lighter fluid thrown on me and then chased with a lighter, or buying liquor and paying for hair appointments so she could seduce a married co-worker (who happened to be the older brother of one of my closer friends in high school---- yeah HUGE issue there alone!!) while we were getting thrown out of places to live,. to the many hurtful and venomous things she would say to me and my sisters.
Right about that time I begin to wonder how much the mustakes I've made in my life are a direct result of all that and how I was cheated out of an early adulthood and the poor choices that still affect me to this day. It's usally at this point that my own mortality has found a way to seep through my melon and point out that the wasted time IS valuable because life is short and mine isn't getting any younger!
Is it know wonder then that I end up tossing and turning and trying to shake these thoughts and the corresponding images out of my mind so I can sleep, but it takes alot of time and more meds than I want to be taking. I take the meds because they do calm me down, but unfortunately they are becoming less effective.
So I'll get to go into the next morning with all that still freshly lingering in my head like the hungover bass sound you can't get rid of from that dance club you got wasted at the previous night. Somehow I have to fight on alone, through it, and raise my kids to never know any of that could happen to them and try to keep up with the house while I can.
If this is your first time visiting, you really need to start reading from the beginning. You can't possibly hope to understand the perspective and motivation for this blog without starting there. You can easily get to the beginning either from the sidebar, or by clicking here. Thanks.
*************************************************************
I'm not at all sure why, but good, solid sleep has really become a premium for me. Over the last week I've had times where I have almost dreaded going to sleep at all. So I'm averaging about 3 hours of sleep a night and that means I've got a very short wick; which I then dangle around three little sparks all day long! And to top this off, it gives me the nastiest headaches in the world.
Despite being 40 now I still think I could lift my old truck and tip it completely over, so I've got that and the headaches going for me now.
Their are two consistent thoughts or issues that are prevailent during this time. One is a larger sense of my own mortality, but being 40 and working a job I truly never imagined I would be doing at this stage of my life makes that thinking easy. I can elaborate later on that because I've always had thoughts like this about mortality, so this isn't anything new.
What primarily bothers me is that I an still sorting out the mess that was my mother. I just keep playing so many of the negative things that she did, or in many cases didn't do, to me or for me. It is an exhausting but neccessary step that I have to take so I can move forward. But every time I do this, I go right back to the time these things happened and the original feelings of doubt, oppression, fear, loathing, hate, and even misanthropy all just crawl back under my skin and paralyze me. And I sit there watching these scenes play out and I see the damages they caused at the time--who they hurt, who those that were hurt then hurting others (myself included)-- and seeing this modeled as correct behavior.
It didn't matter if it was me getting beaten with motorcycle helmets or baseball bats, having lighter fluid thrown on me and then chased with a lighter, or buying liquor and paying for hair appointments so she could seduce a married co-worker (who happened to be the older brother of one of my closer friends in high school---- yeah HUGE issue there alone!!) while we were getting thrown out of places to live,. to the many hurtful and venomous things she would say to me and my sisters.
Right about that time I begin to wonder how much the mustakes I've made in my life are a direct result of all that and how I was cheated out of an early adulthood and the poor choices that still affect me to this day. It's usally at this point that my own mortality has found a way to seep through my melon and point out that the wasted time IS valuable because life is short and mine isn't getting any younger!
Is it know wonder then that I end up tossing and turning and trying to shake these thoughts and the corresponding images out of my mind so I can sleep, but it takes alot of time and more meds than I want to be taking. I take the meds because they do calm me down, but unfortunately they are becoming less effective.
So I'll get to go into the next morning with all that still freshly lingering in my head like the hungover bass sound you can't get rid of from that dance club you got wasted at the previous night. Somehow I have to fight on alone, through it, and raise my kids to never know any of that could happen to them and try to keep up with the house while I can.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Starting with my Dad
****************************Disclaimer*****************************************
If this is your first time visiting, you really need to start reading from the beginning. You can't possibly hope to understand the perspective and motivation for this blog without starting there. You can easily get to the beginning either from the sidebar, or by clicking here. Thanks.
*************************************************************
Well to be on the blunt side I am concerned with much of my family, but the least and most of which is my father.
The reason I say he is the least of my concern is that both he and I are going pretty strong in trying to re-establish the whole father son relationship we're missing. The crazy old bastard is back to working road construction, mostly as a driver, but on occasion it seems he does other hard labor jobs. He may pack his ass with meds and pain killers after work to survive it, but that tough old SOB is doing things his way.I truly wish he's stop right now and begin enjoying everything he worked for, but it's not my call to make. It's only out of my love that I'm concern, but I respect him enough to let him Live his life the way he wants.
So anyways, it's really good to be able to talk to him one or more times a week. He and I are both at the mindset that the next step is for him to come out to my home and really meet my wife and finally meet his triplet grandchildren. I know that is important to him, and it is damn sure important to me. What's more is that I think in their own little way it will be important to the kids as well. Regardless of when it happens or how it happens, I expect it to be a good time.
That brings me to the focus of my sister's. My youngest Traci is living in who knows where, other than it is near Peoria Illinois. The only thing I know she is doing is that she is continuing to scam people and institutions out of money. All of a sudden I'm getting debt collector bills and phone calls at my house for incidents that have happened in the last two months!! It's one thing to be 35 and unable to have a grasp on your own life for you and your two kids, but it's another thing to drag me into the games by giving out my address and phone number as if she were still living her. I promise anyone readying this blog that if I should, for whatever reason, decide I need to start scamming people as though I was trying to get a Senate seat or something, I am going to do this on my own!! I just don't understand why she needs to pull me down unto her sad little world.
That brings me to my real mother and trying to come to some final terms about her and her life and what she did to me and my sister. Currently I am in a very angry stage when I think about her. For those of you that are around me (or in regular contact with me), this unresolved anger may explain any short, curt, rude, or withdrawn behavior of late. I am just so full of anger and hate about her and her legacy that I can't keep enough of it in safely or even cry enough out from time to time. It keeps me up late much or the week and has me more in contact with my darker side more than I am comfortable with.
It's bee too long and I think I really needed to start mentally organizing some thoughts before I make more specific posts I appreciate everyone's time that that take to either read and leave a comment (which I read and they are valuable to me) even if I don't get everyone's posted on the blog. They're very important to me, so please keep them coming!!
I will hopefully have more in the next week or possibly days.
If this is your first time visiting, you really need to start reading from the beginning. You can't possibly hope to understand the perspective and motivation for this blog without starting there. You can easily get to the beginning either from the sidebar, or by clicking here. Thanks.
*************************************************************
Well to be on the blunt side I am concerned with much of my family, but the least and most of which is my father.
The reason I say he is the least of my concern is that both he and I are going pretty strong in trying to re-establish the whole father son relationship we're missing. The crazy old bastard is back to working road construction, mostly as a driver, but on occasion it seems he does other hard labor jobs. He may pack his ass with meds and pain killers after work to survive it, but that tough old SOB is doing things his way.I truly wish he's stop right now and begin enjoying everything he worked for, but it's not my call to make. It's only out of my love that I'm concern, but I respect him enough to let him Live his life the way he wants.
So anyways, it's really good to be able to talk to him one or more times a week. He and I are both at the mindset that the next step is for him to come out to my home and really meet my wife and finally meet his triplet grandchildren. I know that is important to him, and it is damn sure important to me. What's more is that I think in their own little way it will be important to the kids as well. Regardless of when it happens or how it happens, I expect it to be a good time.
That brings me to the focus of my sister's. My youngest Traci is living in who knows where, other than it is near Peoria Illinois. The only thing I know she is doing is that she is continuing to scam people and institutions out of money. All of a sudden I'm getting debt collector bills and phone calls at my house for incidents that have happened in the last two months!! It's one thing to be 35 and unable to have a grasp on your own life for you and your two kids, but it's another thing to drag me into the games by giving out my address and phone number as if she were still living her. I promise anyone readying this blog that if I should, for whatever reason, decide I need to start scamming people as though I was trying to get a Senate seat or something, I am going to do this on my own!! I just don't understand why she needs to pull me down unto her sad little world.
That brings me to my real mother and trying to come to some final terms about her and her life and what she did to me and my sister. Currently I am in a very angry stage when I think about her. For those of you that are around me (or in regular contact with me), this unresolved anger may explain any short, curt, rude, or withdrawn behavior of late. I am just so full of anger and hate about her and her legacy that I can't keep enough of it in safely or even cry enough out from time to time. It keeps me up late much or the week and has me more in contact with my darker side more than I am comfortable with.
It's bee too long and I think I really needed to start mentally organizing some thoughts before I make more specific posts I appreciate everyone's time that that take to either read and leave a comment (which I read and they are valuable to me) even if I don't get everyone's posted on the blog. They're very important to me, so please keep them coming!!
I will hopefully have more in the next week or possibly days.
Friday, March 20, 2009
Anxiety, Socializing, and Friends
****************************Disclaimer*****************************************
If this is your first time visiting, you really need to start reading from the beginning. You can't possibly hope to understand the perspective and motivation for this blog without starting there. You can easily get to the beginning either from the sidebar, or by clicking here. Thanks.
***************************************************************
I received a comment today about what I wrote yesterday. The swiftness aside, I was really floored that someone was able to make sense of that I wrote due to all the typos. They were bad, but they have since been dealt with.
So last night among many things I mentioned that I feel alienated and ostracized and after reading it I think I should just devote some time to talking about that specifically. Many people who read it expressed concern over this and we are having many dear friends come over on Saturday, so I feel I should explain it:
If this is your first time visiting, you really need to start reading from the beginning. You can't possibly hope to understand the perspective and motivation for this blog without starting there. You can easily get to the beginning either from the sidebar, or by clicking here. Thanks.
***************************************************************
I received a comment today about what I wrote yesterday. The swiftness aside, I was really floored that someone was able to make sense of that I wrote due to all the typos. They were bad, but they have since been dealt with.
So last night among many things I mentioned that I feel alienated and ostracized and after reading it I think I should just devote some time to talking about that specifically. Many people who read it expressed concern over this and we are having many dear friends come over on Saturday, so I feel I should explain it:
First an foremost I am not currently depressed of suffering from it. I do not feel lonely. And as such I am liked away bellowing out sad piano ballads amongst piles of empty wine bottles and dirty kids. I am fine.
Well as fine as any new40 year old male is after realizing he isn't going to hit a HR to win the World Series, Become an astronaut, spy, actor, or President. I am glad on all those stereotypical accounts just for the sheer fact alone that I don't think I would have found Meva, so it worked out well there
What my voice was saying is that when I get stressed or anxious and have difficulty focusing or following certain rules (people aren't food, it's never OK to maim,,,,,,) My mind seriously flies about everything that goes on in my mind and as a result I shared some of them.
That being said I've heard from more than 7 people about that last one and let me explain something: The original words are fueled by that said same anxiety and like much of this blog that are unfiltered. So if you're one of those people, just stop reading because it's not for you.
But the truth of the situation is that I am feeling a bit alienated. There are so many difficulties and obstacles for all of us that it is so very hard to get together, I think we all know that. But the fears and frustrations that I let out concerned fundamental truths about my social life and who I interact with.quite franky I adhorr it.
I find myself missing out on simple get togethers or notinvited to get togethers or chances to learn and grow, but for what ever reason those things never happen. And yeah it sucks because no matter how great my family is, I need some time to just go out by myself.
My best buddy lives too damn far for us to do much of anything and I've just about lost touch with those around me. Some are busy with this part of my life, a part I went through myself, so I know to give them space right now.
But there are options, there always are. I have friends, albeit busy, they have time to do things, but those things are always without me. I've asked to join, offered to just be there and observe and there were never responses or returns.
The life I have is such that I already have plenty to do and that's what I focus on.
I sincerely hope that helps
Well as fine as any new40 year old male is after realizing he isn't going to hit a HR to win the World Series, Become an astronaut, spy, actor, or President. I am glad on all those stereotypical accounts just for the sheer fact alone that I don't think I would have found Meva, so it worked out well there
What my voice was saying is that when I get stressed or anxious and have difficulty focusing or following certain rules (people aren't food, it's never OK to maim,,,,,,) My mind seriously flies about everything that goes on in my mind and as a result I shared some of them.
That being said I've heard from more than 7 people about that last one and let me explain something: The original words are fueled by that said same anxiety and like much of this blog that are unfiltered. So if you're one of those people, just stop reading because it's not for you.
But the truth of the situation is that I am feeling a bit alienated. There are so many difficulties and obstacles for all of us that it is so very hard to get together, I think we all know that. But the fears and frustrations that I let out concerned fundamental truths about my social life and who I interact with.quite franky I adhorr it.
I find myself missing out on simple get togethers or notinvited to get togethers or chances to learn and grow, but for what ever reason those things never happen. And yeah it sucks because no matter how great my family is, I need some time to just go out by myself.
My best buddy lives too damn far for us to do much of anything and I've just about lost touch with those around me. Some are busy with this part of my life, a part I went through myself, so I know to give them space right now.
But there are options, there always are. I have friends, albeit busy, they have time to do things, but those things are always without me. I've asked to join, offered to just be there and observe and there were never responses or returns.
The life I have is such that I already have plenty to do and that's what I focus on.
I sincerely hope that helps
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)