Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Slow to move

Tomorrow I have to pick out a psychiatrist and start the slow process of playing with my medication. I think I'm wishing for something that doesn't exist, a pill to help me with depression that doesn't make me numb with a lot of side effects. Ideally I'd like not to take a pill or any medication at all AND avoid therapy. I don't think that's going to happen, I'm convinced there is something screwed up in my body chemistry that requires help to get me in balance but there is a pull between being "normal" and feeling as though I am able to live and enjoy life on an emotional level.

I really can't stress how badly I want to be off of Celexa. Despite the success I have achieved with it I truly believe it has led to other problems in my life, namely the addiction and abuse of the painkiller hydrocodone. specifically Norco. Don't get me wrong, I still accept full responsibility for that but one of the side effects of Celexa is apathy and emotional flattening, which is what I talked about in my last entry. It's hard to recall what I was thinking while under the influence of the medication, but I wouldn't be surprised if, subconsciously at the minimum, I was attracted to the release of the hydrocodone and the euphoria that made me feel, something, instead of my usual wraith-like existence.

I have the will to live, I just want to feel the benefits of it again. Living an analytical existence is a half-life at best.

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