Wednesday, October 26, 2011


I feel that the time is right for another entry, or several, on this blog because I need to come to grips with more issues. I don't know who is left out there that still checks on this from time or who will read this, but what I'm going to discuss is something I have to work through. I've tried for several days now to complete this post and each time the words escape me, probably as a result of some ingrained subconscious defense mechanism so I won't have to confront my feelings. I think the best thing for me to do is just to explain how this started.

My usual sleeping problems have gotten worse over the last month and when I can I usually have powerful nightmares that leave me thrashing, mumbling, or even shouting in my sleep. I've always been a vivid dreamer, but talking or physically reacting to them is very rare. The intensity of these dreams affected me greater than I would have ever imagined any dream could and on several occasions they have unlocked memories that I had pushed away and caused me untold amounts of confusion and trauma. What it has uncovered are memories of being molested as a child by my mother.

I dismissed the first couple of dreams as being nothing more than figments of my hyperactive mind, but the dreams continued and while I was awake I began to have more memories surface. Even now, just acknowledging this to myself internally makes me want to crawl out of my skin and seek safety in some unknown place. I tried every logical explanation I could conceive of that could strike down what I was remembering, but each attempt only led me to further examination and confirmation. Coming to terms with this new realization has been unbearable at times and pushed my depression into stages that has had me considering suicide in my weakest and lowest moments.

It's not commonly known to many people, but I have an addiction to painkillers such as hydrocodone, which I needed to seek treatment for. Times of stress and great anxiety heighten this alluring addiction because the benefits of overusing medication like this is that is keeps me numb and deadens my emotions and feelings. As I walk through the pained memories that I am experiencing all over again, the need to take away the pain and suffering that I am going through on a daily basis is overwhelming. I've abused my anxiety medication trying to mask the anger and resentment I'm going through so that now I'm battling this as well.

As meager as this collection of thoughts are, organizing and composing them have been draining, so I think I'll leave this alone for one night.

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