Confronting My Father

As all of my issues from the past are being stirred up and mixed with my depression, I've written about how tough a go things have been for me of late. They've reached a point now where I've finally agreed to go back on medication to help treat this. I still absolutely hate it, but I don't want to end up taking things out on my kids, so I put their needs ahead of my own wishes and decided to give it a go again.

As I was explaining all this to Ivan last week, we somehow segued into the topic of my father. As we talked about all the things he's done to me in my life, which almost all center around his abandoning me several times through out my life, all of the hurt and anger I have over this came welling up to uncomfortable levels. After talking about my feelings and expressing myself in the form breaking some art supplies Ivan asked me how I felt and I said kind of off-handedly that I wish I could just confront him about everything he's done.

Ivan said. "Why don't you?"

I sat there staring for a few minutes and I realized there wasn't any good reason I shouldn't. As I thought about whether or not I should do this, I felt a small weight being lifted from my shoulders as I leaned more and more into that direction. So that's what Ive decided to do, I'm going to talk to my dad and confront him about the horrible way he's treated me for almost 39 years. I'm also going to do it this weekend too.

Some friends and loved ones I've mentioned this to have expressed concern and some surprise with the speed in which I've decided this and decided to execute it, and I'm grateful for their interest and support. This has really been a long time coming, at least 7 years, but really longer than that.

Come Saturday morning, I intend to show up unannounced at his place and ask him the following questions:

• Why was I treated so inferior as compared to my two half-brothers?
• Why did he offer to have me come live with him, and then refuse to take me when I asked him to?
• How come he never paid child-support to my mother when I was a child growing up?
• Why didn't he come to my wedding?
• Why didn't he call me instead of calling my aunt to tell me this?
• What did I do to deserve to be treated this way by him?

I have no idea how this is all going to work out though, or even if he'll be home. Knowing my luck I'll drive all the way out there and he no one will be home. I prefer for him and I to be able to go into a private room at his house and do this, but he may bot allow for that. I can't even know if he'll be willing to talk and answer these questions, he's a liar and a coward, so there is no way to know what he'll do.

The thing about this whole confrontation is that I can't imagine any possible answers that could absolve him his past. I'm not interested in having him be a part of my life, or my children's or anything like that. I'd just like the chance to let him know how much he's hurt me and screwed me over and I'd like to hear how he responds to those questions.

I'll be solidifying the hows and whys with Ivan tonight so that I have a more solid game plan going in. Once I've figured that out, I'll most likely write about that here before Saturday.