As much as I try to focus on the normal day to day activities of my life I find my mind wandering and wondering about my confrontation with my father on Saturday. Provided he is home and willing to talk, this will be one of my life's defining moments. It must be this knowledge that is forcing me to think about it.
As the time draws closer, I admit to feeling more nervous, more anxious, and surprisingly more scared. I think that what may be scaring me the most is that I know how this is going to play out. I predict he will try and placate me and blame my mother for the majority of things. When that happens, I know it will be at this point that I start to lose it.
Despite how horrible it may sound, I want to hear the truth from him, or at least what he has convinced himself to be the truth. To the best of my knowledge he has never had to answer for his actions, or inactions towards myself or even my sisters. I'm tired of ignoring the past and giving him a free pass for helping to make my childhood into a complete mess. He has no way of answering me and making me feel better, and I accept that. What I will no longer accept is his teflon ability to avoid accountability for his lack of parenting.
When it is all said and done, what may be the most frightening thing to me is the official revelation that he just doesn't care about me, or just doesn't love me. I suspect it, I truly do, but that validation will feel like I've been hit by an entire mountain. It's going to hurt, but I'm not going to be able to get past this, let go, and heal from all the wounds he's caused me without confronting him.
In the end, once I've come to terms with everything that happens, I'll be able to stand much prouder as a man, as a husband, and most importantly as a father.
Fate has allowed me a great opportunity to prepare for this day with a nice outing with my son Ryan who will be going for his first haircut. Then he and I are going shopping for some new toys and a few pairs of jeans for daddy. Once the terror of the haircut is done I think he's going to have a great time and I may even treat him to his favorite drink, pumpkin spice coffee (decaff of course). More than anything else, this will prepare me for what I will face the next day. Besides, how can I go wrong taking Ryan out on the town with me????