Sunday, November 11, 2007

The Horizon

Lately my therapy sessions have been exhausting and frustrating. I've left them feeling aggravated and less sure of what I am doing or even what I want to do, or even what my exit strategy should be. I think what this means is that I'm being challenged to look at solutions to my problems that I've tried to avoid for many years. All the progress I'm making is eventually going to come to an end point, and while I'd love to have this wrapped up in a tidy little package in time for the holidays, I have to face the realization that it may not happen.

That means I may be facing a holiday season without my family for the first real time in my life. No dinners, no get-togethers, no phone calls. Even though I often feel stressed and frustrated when I participate in any of the former activities, I've always tried to stay connected.

Barring any miracles, I just don't see it happening. Sorting through all of the memories and pain of the past just serves to remind me of all the feelings of hurt, neglect, and abuse that I went through. I tried for so many years to ignore these things and try to just move past them, but it's almost impossible to do this even though I truly thought I had a handle on it. The surprising thing is that what made me realize this wasn't what came out of my therapy sessions with Ivan, but in real situations with my wife and kids.

Just growing and spending time as a family brought these issues from my childhood up and I was unable to handle these unexpected feelings and they came out as anger and frustration directed towards my undeserving wife and kids. That was a situation that I couldn't allow to happen again and taint the life I wanted for my beautiful kids and wonderful wife. They are everything to me and I have to protect them and myself, which is why I've taken time away from everyone so that I could sort through my mess and set up new boundaries to live by.

But if I were to relax this plan, even for a brief timeout for the holidays, I'd be invalidating everything I've tried to accomplish to this point and I'd have to start again from scratch. I can't, and I won't do that. Yeah, it's going to be hard, but it would be harder, and possibly unsuccessful, if I did this any other way. As it is now, I'm just barely holding it together and that's not an exaggeration. I'm tired of the sleepless nights, anxiety pains, and the horror that I might fail and lose everything I hold dear to me. It's no way to live.

But as each day brings me to the brink of tears and self-destruction, I'm fortunate enough to have my children to give me strength and make me laugh when I'm down, or my wife to love me and calm me and stay grounded, and my friends that have gone through this and are there for me, as well as my friends who haven't been through this but are there for me regardless. I have to get better for myself because they all believe in me and through them I slowly learn to believe in myself and exactly who I really am.

1 comment:

Collins said...

It's always darkest before dawn, and it seems a breakthrough waits on the other side of every time you feel you can't take anymore. It won't ever be tidy, Chuck, but you'll have the skills to not care. And you can do it. Christmas will come and go, and you will survive it. Hopefully you will enjoy it, too. The worst has already passed you.