Even for this little blog, that last post was pretty bleak and black. Since I wrote that, I've struggled with whether or not I should keep it up or take it down. Although I find it partially embarrassing and quite over-reactive, I have decided to keep it for the time being. The purpose of this blog is to examine my feelings and issues as I have them, so I can work through them, and eventually solve them. Even though it's kind of painful, I think it needs to stay.
That being said, where am I now? Foremost, I am better. My wife and I talked, and while I can't say that I feel either of us were thrilled with everything we discussed, I think we are on the same page, and that is to work together to strengthen our marriage and our relationship.
To that end, I know I bring a whole bag of problems to any table I sit at, and they aren't easy to control or handle. But it is something I have to do. While a large portion, a huge fucking portion actually, can be laid at the feet of my mother and father, these are still my issues. It's hard to admit it and even harder still to act on it, but they are my responsibility even if they aren't my fault.
It boils down to how I'm going to let this affect me, if at all. I can keep trying to find a medication that can help me, but I think I've tried enough of them to know that any help they will provide me in either sorting out my chemical imbalances or just numbing my anxieties, they can't erase the past. All of the hate, abuse, neglect, and vitriol that my parents dispensed and that my sisters both ignore to varying degrees has to be addressed. Perhaps it's not just something I do once, but maybe I need to do this on a daily basis to remind me of what I must fight first thing before I am able to make the rest of the day a success.
Most important is that I get a handle on these issues for my wife and my children. While I owe them a sane and rational father and husband, more than that I owe myself the relief and tranquility of not being affected by them. And yes, I will have to do this alone unfortunately. The sad fact of the matter is that I don't think I can trust anyone with this process. What I said last post about not having people to turn to is still true, even though I know there are people out there that would listen, I can't burden others when I can't accept what they will say.
On the plus side, I have time to myself this weekend to try and sort out what is going on in my head and try to recharge myself. I've picked out a wonderful location (I think) to escape and take the time to just relax, unwind, and think about myself. Either way, I expect this to be a tough weekend.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Sunday, October 5, 2008
Scared
I'm quite sure I've just had the absolute worst weekend of my life. I say that because now that it is over and I am back home from Ohio I don't think I want to be married anymore. It's not as though I want a divorce, but I absolutely can't have things stay the same. I just want to be happy and feel wanted again, and not just needed.
The truth of the matter is that the connection we once had isn't there anymore. I don't feel in sync with her and I find that I am sharing less and less of myself with her because I find I am derailed, denied, or talked to condescendingly and I just don't find her as the person I want to share my thoughts and experiences with.
I feel like I've tried to change every way I could think of to better relate to her, or to behave towards her, or on how to act in general, in order to keep our connection. I don't know what I can do anymore so that I'll feel like I'm understood, or valued, or appreciated.
Most of all, I wish there was someone I could just talk to about this, but the only people I trust are either so messed up themselves with their own relationships, or they're her family. So my only choice is to try and come up with answers on my own, and I'm apparently not smart enough to have found them.
I know it's cliche, but my number one worry is for my kids. I love them so much and I feel so guilty right now. I feel like I'm failing them and resigning them to a tougher and lesser life.
What I think I'm feeling is that I'm tired of trying because in the end it's all going to be in vain. I just wish I could take the hurt, lonely, feelings away forever.
The truth of the matter is that the connection we once had isn't there anymore. I don't feel in sync with her and I find that I am sharing less and less of myself with her because I find I am derailed, denied, or talked to condescendingly and I just don't find her as the person I want to share my thoughts and experiences with.
I feel like I've tried to change every way I could think of to better relate to her, or to behave towards her, or on how to act in general, in order to keep our connection. I don't know what I can do anymore so that I'll feel like I'm understood, or valued, or appreciated.
Most of all, I wish there was someone I could just talk to about this, but the only people I trust are either so messed up themselves with their own relationships, or they're her family. So my only choice is to try and come up with answers on my own, and I'm apparently not smart enough to have found them.
I know it's cliche, but my number one worry is for my kids. I love them so much and I feel so guilty right now. I feel like I'm failing them and resigning them to a tougher and lesser life.
What I think I'm feeling is that I'm tired of trying because in the end it's all going to be in vain. I just wish I could take the hurt, lonely, feelings away forever.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Six Months
My mother had another of her health episodes again that resulted in a trip to the hospital. This time she apparently was able to avoid being intubated, which is impressive, but her breathing is a problem that isn't going away. So after a few days in the hospital the doctors gave her a diagnosis of about 6 months to live.
My family is already gearing up to begin the grieving process and trying to squeeze the most quality time with her that they can over the next six months. My sister Teri is talking about wanting everyone to come to Phoenix this year for Christmas because it will be my mother's last one, and my mother is reportedly echoing these same desires. My aunts and uncles are all making plans to visit her in the next month or so and even my nieces and cousins are all chipping in with well-wishes and changes to their personal lives while my mother struggles through these last remaining months.
And then there is me.
I am truly stuck at this point as to what I want to do. My sister and my aunt have subtly hinted and inquired as to what my plans are and they were nothing but polite and respectful of me when this subject was broached. I answered them both as honestly as I could by not committing to anything and saying I wasn't sure what I was going to do. I really don't know because I have many aspects pulling at me.
I can't ignore the fact that despite these recent developments with my mother, nothing has changed. For me, that's an entire lifetime of abuse, neglect, deceit, and betrayal that has not only gone unaccounted for, but she has continued to live in that type of selfish, self-serving manner that forces others to take responsibility for the consequences of her actions, or lack of action as is often the case. Awhile ago I made the choice to move forward and away from her and her lifestyle when she proved to me that she would always choose the way that brings her the most drama and attention without any regard to the feelings of her children or other family members who love her. Eventually my decision became obvious to her and she left me a tearful message telling me she wasn't aware of what she was doing and how I was so wonderful to her and that she loved me. I found it funny that even then she still refused to acknowledge her actions and own up to her behavior, but I am not surprised, and I guess that is really my point. How do I ignore the past?
I feel that if I were to just forgive and forget everything that I would be selling myself and my convictions short. I have a responsibility to myself and to my children to be honest and true to the decisions I have made and will make in the future. I wish I had pulled away from my mother decades ago and saved myself years of drama and pain, but I eventually did pull away at a time and place of my own choosing when I decided that enough was enough and that I deserved to be treated better. When my children learn about this, they will know that it is OK to stand up for yourself against anyone and anything that is doing you harm. I don't want them to think that it is acceptable to expect less. My actions are the guide they will use for their life, so shouldn't I provide them with the best examples?
In fairness, I expect my mother to make proclamations about her past and seek out forgiveness and understanding before she dies, that's natural to do when going through the last stage of your life. But it's pretty shitty when you think about it. Are we supposed to be treated like shit for 40 years by someone and then when their life is ending say, "That's OK, I forgive you for being a bad person!" Where is the fairness, or justice, in that? I wouldn't expect anyone to ever talk to me if I behaved even half as badly as she has over the years, so I don't see how her death is a reason to change everything. We all knew she was going to die eventually, we ALL die eventually, so how does this change a thing? It doesn't, it doesn't at all. Especially when she saw this coming for a long time and did absolutely nothing to prevent it and making things easier on her children, but she actively chose not to.
Perhaps I am horrible, but I also keep thinking that this is exactly what she wants. She has always been addicted to drama, and what better way for her to go out that to have a Terms of Endearment type ending where she dies too young and everyone is rallying around her bedside professing their love and sadness and vowing to live right by her. I just can't be a part of something like that. I can't and I won't.
This is all depressing. While I intended to talk about more, I just no longer feel like it right now. I'll have to finish this later.
My family is already gearing up to begin the grieving process and trying to squeeze the most quality time with her that they can over the next six months. My sister Teri is talking about wanting everyone to come to Phoenix this year for Christmas because it will be my mother's last one, and my mother is reportedly echoing these same desires. My aunts and uncles are all making plans to visit her in the next month or so and even my nieces and cousins are all chipping in with well-wishes and changes to their personal lives while my mother struggles through these last remaining months.
And then there is me.
I am truly stuck at this point as to what I want to do. My sister and my aunt have subtly hinted and inquired as to what my plans are and they were nothing but polite and respectful of me when this subject was broached. I answered them both as honestly as I could by not committing to anything and saying I wasn't sure what I was going to do. I really don't know because I have many aspects pulling at me.
I can't ignore the fact that despite these recent developments with my mother, nothing has changed. For me, that's an entire lifetime of abuse, neglect, deceit, and betrayal that has not only gone unaccounted for, but she has continued to live in that type of selfish, self-serving manner that forces others to take responsibility for the consequences of her actions, or lack of action as is often the case. Awhile ago I made the choice to move forward and away from her and her lifestyle when she proved to me that she would always choose the way that brings her the most drama and attention without any regard to the feelings of her children or other family members who love her. Eventually my decision became obvious to her and she left me a tearful message telling me she wasn't aware of what she was doing and how I was so wonderful to her and that she loved me. I found it funny that even then she still refused to acknowledge her actions and own up to her behavior, but I am not surprised, and I guess that is really my point. How do I ignore the past?
I feel that if I were to just forgive and forget everything that I would be selling myself and my convictions short. I have a responsibility to myself and to my children to be honest and true to the decisions I have made and will make in the future. I wish I had pulled away from my mother decades ago and saved myself years of drama and pain, but I eventually did pull away at a time and place of my own choosing when I decided that enough was enough and that I deserved to be treated better. When my children learn about this, they will know that it is OK to stand up for yourself against anyone and anything that is doing you harm. I don't want them to think that it is acceptable to expect less. My actions are the guide they will use for their life, so shouldn't I provide them with the best examples?
In fairness, I expect my mother to make proclamations about her past and seek out forgiveness and understanding before she dies, that's natural to do when going through the last stage of your life. But it's pretty shitty when you think about it. Are we supposed to be treated like shit for 40 years by someone and then when their life is ending say, "That's OK, I forgive you for being a bad person!" Where is the fairness, or justice, in that? I wouldn't expect anyone to ever talk to me if I behaved even half as badly as she has over the years, so I don't see how her death is a reason to change everything. We all knew she was going to die eventually, we ALL die eventually, so how does this change a thing? It doesn't, it doesn't at all. Especially when she saw this coming for a long time and did absolutely nothing to prevent it and making things easier on her children, but she actively chose not to.
Perhaps I am horrible, but I also keep thinking that this is exactly what she wants. She has always been addicted to drama, and what better way for her to go out that to have a Terms of Endearment type ending where she dies too young and everyone is rallying around her bedside professing their love and sadness and vowing to live right by her. I just can't be a part of something like that. I can't and I won't.
This is all depressing. While I intended to talk about more, I just no longer feel like it right now. I'll have to finish this later.
Monday, July 14, 2008
Emotions I Can't Control
I don't have the time to write everything I want to, but basically I am so pissed off at my mother for the way she is forcing other people to stress out and go through pain while they watch her slowly die and no instructions for how she wanted this to end. She always thought about herself first and then her kids, and this is continuing even now. At this point they are giving her 5 months to a year to live---should she make it out of the hospital this time.
Maybe I'm selfish, but I'm only concerned with how badly I'm going to be treated by everyone when I refuse to get involved with all this. I hate her for doing this us, but it doesn't surprise me at all, since that's how she acting in her life. I'm probably a selfish person, but I just want this to end sooner rather than later.
Maybe I'm selfish, but I'm only concerned with how badly I'm going to be treated by everyone when I refuse to get involved with all this. I hate her for doing this us, but it doesn't surprise me at all, since that's how she acting in her life. I'm probably a selfish person, but I just want this to end sooner rather than later.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Visits
Many times a year I get visits from people who love me and my wife, and now my family in healthy, equal, and unequivocal terms. While some of these people repeatedly rain upon of bags and boxes of toys and clothes and other oddities, the most important girt that they bring is themselves and their love of just being with us. I am so grateful for them and having them a part of my children's lives.
But they aren't always visiting. I also get visits from others who leave in a whirlwind of drama, stress, aggravation. Those are the visits that leave me exhausted, on edge, and having a little less will to be happy. They often want to suck me down to their level of unhappiness whether they realize it or not. Maybe it's unintentional and they don't even realize they're doing it, but I've also seen it ugly and deliberate, and I hate them both.
The key to both of these types of bad visits is nothing more than perspective and truth, but truth us the key. Without being honest to me and even yourself, you're just asking to take your unsolved issues and either snare me into their net with you, or you try to tie them onto me so that the guilt will way me down. My mother is a great example of this.
Part of the problems come from the fact that they don't truly respect me for the man I am, instead the treat me as a scapegoat or as a callous, arrogant target. It's not even worth listing they various reasons because my point is that those closest to me don't see what I have become, what I've accomplished, or what I've had to overcome. Their perspective is wrong because they've decided to let themselves view my not as I am, but as their fears, envy, and shortcomings have allowed them to paint me.
Instead of having a great ally who will give and sacrifice his time, his energy, and his knowledge to their advantage, they choose to condemn me with small words that sting but hold no ability to cause me any anquish on their own. What this does is looses them someone who could help them and support them. But I am lied to and often told portions of something that is supposed to be proof, but it's been so mangled and twisted that they think I would see the lies, or how they are building to manipulate me.
It hurts. It hurts more than most things I've ever gone through, because deep in my heart I've always wanted a big family that I could help them through their hard times.
It sucks. It's so unfair and yet it really is the family "treasure" that I will inherit some day. Unlike others in my family, I will make sure this doesn't get exposed to my children. They're going to know to trust their family no matter who they are or how messed up their lives may be. I will do whatever I have to to make sure my children aren't exposed to this.
My life and childhod were screwed up enough; I don't want this for my kids.
But they aren't always visiting. I also get visits from others who leave in a whirlwind of drama, stress, aggravation. Those are the visits that leave me exhausted, on edge, and having a little less will to be happy. They often want to suck me down to their level of unhappiness whether they realize it or not. Maybe it's unintentional and they don't even realize they're doing it, but I've also seen it ugly and deliberate, and I hate them both.
The key to both of these types of bad visits is nothing more than perspective and truth, but truth us the key. Without being honest to me and even yourself, you're just asking to take your unsolved issues and either snare me into their net with you, or you try to tie them onto me so that the guilt will way me down. My mother is a great example of this.
Part of the problems come from the fact that they don't truly respect me for the man I am, instead the treat me as a scapegoat or as a callous, arrogant target. It's not even worth listing they various reasons because my point is that those closest to me don't see what I have become, what I've accomplished, or what I've had to overcome. Their perspective is wrong because they've decided to let themselves view my not as I am, but as their fears, envy, and shortcomings have allowed them to paint me.
Instead of having a great ally who will give and sacrifice his time, his energy, and his knowledge to their advantage, they choose to condemn me with small words that sting but hold no ability to cause me any anquish on their own. What this does is looses them someone who could help them and support them. But I am lied to and often told portions of something that is supposed to be proof, but it's been so mangled and twisted that they think I would see the lies, or how they are building to manipulate me.
It hurts. It hurts more than most things I've ever gone through, because deep in my heart I've always wanted a big family that I could help them through their hard times.
It sucks. It's so unfair and yet it really is the family "treasure" that I will inherit some day. Unlike others in my family, I will make sure this doesn't get exposed to my children. They're going to know to trust their family no matter who they are or how messed up their lives may be. I will do whatever I have to to make sure my children aren't exposed to this.
My life and childhod were screwed up enough; I don't want this for my kids.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Taking Control
It seems like I've been struggling for far too long with little success with my depression. Since my stepfather Lou died, stress and BS from my family has largely calmed down and faded to the background, of which I'm very grateful for. Despite that, it seemed like I was suffering more and more without any real outside issues driving it.
Like I mentioned in my last post here, this feeling is so overwhelming and terrible that it just about cripples me. It's like a grand feeling of impotence that is wrapped around anger, self loathing, sadness, and despair. My life is seriously put on hold when it gets this bad, and I feel that everyone around me suffers along with me to a degree. This is something I hate.
There are two things about this that are frustrating. The first is that treating it chemically with prescription medicine is often hit or miss. Trying out different pills, for 2-3 months at a time, trying to find the right pill or combination of pills in the hopes of seeing some improvement can takes years to be successful, if at all. In addition to the further frustration of each attempt failing to help is dealing with side effects that can be painful, disruptive to your life, and in some cases make your depression worse. The second thing is that after dealing with this for so long, I'm aware of the habits and behaviors that either make me depressed or lead me further into it and there is nothing I can do to stop it. For those who don't understand, it's like hanging out with a group of your friends and knowing that you're going to act like an asshole, recognize when you're doing it, and knowing that you can't stop yourself.
Like I said, treating this with medicine can take years to get right, and I have reached a point that I don't find this acceptable. So after looking at how my treatment was going, how I felt, and how I felt those around me were being affected, I decided to take my treatment into my own hands and I stopped taking my medications cold turkey.
I figured that since I have become very familiar with the signs and bad habits of my depression and that I have been making really phenomenal progress with my personal therapy I could fight this on my own, mentally. At the very least I knew that if I wasn't successful, Meva would be very vocal about how I was behaving and that would be my sign to go back to treating it chemically.
First of all, Meva was very concerned and skeptical of this approach, but I was able to at least ease her fears by saying I would go back to trying medication if this didn't work. If I can't be honest that I might fail in this then I think it would be safe to say that I was definitely going to fail. Our friend Colleen, who also has battled depression for years, was even more worried for me and really took her time to check with me. I'm very lucky to have such great support and when I succeed it will be in large part because of them.
So shortly after my last post, I stopped my meds and immediately crashed. By that I mean I had two weeks of some God awful headaches, and pains that were a bear to get through. There were a few times that I almost went back to my depression meds just to stop it pain and then try to slowly ween myself off them, but I'm just tired of taking pills.
So I stopped taking everything, with the exception of pills for my headaches, and if my kids will allow it, I've been working on better sleep habits. Although it's been tough, I think it's been a success up to this point. Meva has made comments about how she's glad to "have her husband back again." That's probably the most telling sign of all.
It's not been easy, and I find some days are harder than others, but knowing the signs and behaviors helps me to avoid them or take action against them quickly. After almost a month, I'm feeling very good about this and I've had a few instances where I've noticed the bad habits creeping in and I've been able to squash them. For now I feel successful and as though I have this in hand, but this stage is the easiest (as scary as that is to say). Keeping vigilant and alert so that this success continues is going to be the hard fight!
But for now, my wife and my kids, and Colleen as well, are my motivation to keep strong and keep going. I can't ask for more than that.
Like I mentioned in my last post here, this feeling is so overwhelming and terrible that it just about cripples me. It's like a grand feeling of impotence that is wrapped around anger, self loathing, sadness, and despair. My life is seriously put on hold when it gets this bad, and I feel that everyone around me suffers along with me to a degree. This is something I hate.
There are two things about this that are frustrating. The first is that treating it chemically with prescription medicine is often hit or miss. Trying out different pills, for 2-3 months at a time, trying to find the right pill or combination of pills in the hopes of seeing some improvement can takes years to be successful, if at all. In addition to the further frustration of each attempt failing to help is dealing with side effects that can be painful, disruptive to your life, and in some cases make your depression worse. The second thing is that after dealing with this for so long, I'm aware of the habits and behaviors that either make me depressed or lead me further into it and there is nothing I can do to stop it. For those who don't understand, it's like hanging out with a group of your friends and knowing that you're going to act like an asshole, recognize when you're doing it, and knowing that you can't stop yourself.
Like I said, treating this with medicine can take years to get right, and I have reached a point that I don't find this acceptable. So after looking at how my treatment was going, how I felt, and how I felt those around me were being affected, I decided to take my treatment into my own hands and I stopped taking my medications cold turkey.
I figured that since I have become very familiar with the signs and bad habits of my depression and that I have been making really phenomenal progress with my personal therapy I could fight this on my own, mentally. At the very least I knew that if I wasn't successful, Meva would be very vocal about how I was behaving and that would be my sign to go back to treating it chemically.
First of all, Meva was very concerned and skeptical of this approach, but I was able to at least ease her fears by saying I would go back to trying medication if this didn't work. If I can't be honest that I might fail in this then I think it would be safe to say that I was definitely going to fail. Our friend Colleen, who also has battled depression for years, was even more worried for me and really took her time to check with me. I'm very lucky to have such great support and when I succeed it will be in large part because of them.
So shortly after my last post, I stopped my meds and immediately crashed. By that I mean I had two weeks of some God awful headaches, and pains that were a bear to get through. There were a few times that I almost went back to my depression meds just to stop it pain and then try to slowly ween myself off them, but I'm just tired of taking pills.
So I stopped taking everything, with the exception of pills for my headaches, and if my kids will allow it, I've been working on better sleep habits. Although it's been tough, I think it's been a success up to this point. Meva has made comments about how she's glad to "have her husband back again." That's probably the most telling sign of all.
It's not been easy, and I find some days are harder than others, but knowing the signs and behaviors helps me to avoid them or take action against them quickly. After almost a month, I'm feeling very good about this and I've had a few instances where I've noticed the bad habits creeping in and I've been able to squash them. For now I feel successful and as though I have this in hand, but this stage is the easiest (as scary as that is to say). Keeping vigilant and alert so that this success continues is going to be the hard fight!
But for now, my wife and my kids, and Colleen as well, are my motivation to keep strong and keep going. I can't ask for more than that.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
You're now entering The Blue Zone
As I wrote on my other blog, I'm in a real dark place in my life that I often refer to as a blue zone. Other than my wife, I work hard to keep this hidden from everyone because I want to be strong and helpful to anyone that needs me. It can be exhausting, but I love my friends and they are worth it in spades.
One of the worst things about being in this zone is the utter lack of motivation that rules my daily life. I find myself struggling to not just be happy, but to be content. I'm slowly losing interest in the things I often find bring joy to my life.
It's scary to even think about because this is a path that is so obviously dangerous. My psychiatrist seems t o want to treat me with nothing but medication, one of which I feel does absolutely nothing for me, and the other I think may actually be having adverse affects that are feeding into this latest round of the blue zone.
I find myself wanting to spend my days doing nothing, either sleeping or crying, or both. The funny thing is I hate naps and I hate crying, yet I fight these feelings and urges daily. It leaves me exhausted and mentally drained. I admit to being lost and not knowing what to do. I know I need help, but I don't know what kind. I feel myself fighting against my therapy and my psychiatrist, not intentionally, but because I feel so lost and overwhelmed I just don't know how to help them help me.
As I run things through my head over and over each day, I find myself wanting to embrace nature and challenge myself life never before. On my own, to get my bearings and center myself. I feel this is long overdue and just might provide enough solace to help me through this. I also want to go back to teaching and earn some money to make my family's life easier and more productive. Both are hard when you routinely lack the energy and motivation to even clean the front room.
To the few people who read this, I share my thoughts as a way to explain any distant or strange behavior you may have noticed. Please know it's my yolk and it's only something I can carry.
One of the worst things about being in this zone is the utter lack of motivation that rules my daily life. I find myself struggling to not just be happy, but to be content. I'm slowly losing interest in the things I often find bring joy to my life.
It's scary to even think about because this is a path that is so obviously dangerous. My psychiatrist seems t o want to treat me with nothing but medication, one of which I feel does absolutely nothing for me, and the other I think may actually be having adverse affects that are feeding into this latest round of the blue zone.
I find myself wanting to spend my days doing nothing, either sleeping or crying, or both. The funny thing is I hate naps and I hate crying, yet I fight these feelings and urges daily. It leaves me exhausted and mentally drained. I admit to being lost and not knowing what to do. I know I need help, but I don't know what kind. I feel myself fighting against my therapy and my psychiatrist, not intentionally, but because I feel so lost and overwhelmed I just don't know how to help them help me.
As I run things through my head over and over each day, I find myself wanting to embrace nature and challenge myself life never before. On my own, to get my bearings and center myself. I feel this is long overdue and just might provide enough solace to help me through this. I also want to go back to teaching and earn some money to make my family's life easier and more productive. Both are hard when you routinely lack the energy and motivation to even clean the front room.
To the few people who read this, I share my thoughts as a way to explain any distant or strange behavior you may have noticed. Please know it's my yolk and it's only something I can carry.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)