****************************Disclaimer*****************************************
If this is your first time visiting, you really need to start reading from the beginning. You can't possibly hope to understand the perspective and motivation for this blog without starting there. You can easily get to the beginning either from the sidebar, or by clicking here. Thanks.
***************************************************************
Normally I talk about things, events, and people that are bothering me in one fashion or another and they're almost exclusively family members. I'm going to take a step back and try to do some introspection about myself because quite frankly, I'm bothering me.
I briefly mentioned this on Desultory Views, but I think this is a better venue to get more indepth. Turning 40 is bothering me, but not for the normal reasons. I don't think it's the midlife crisis type of crap that I see and hear others go through. I've got no desire to prove my youth with promiscuity or idiotic behavior. I don't need to defy death or laugh at danger. If anything I feel very satisfied and complete along those lines. So as usual there is this bizarre Chuck spin to things.
It's taken me a bit to pin point what is bothering me, and as I've gotten closer to my birthday I've had a tougher and tougher go of, well, things I guess. I'm having quite a bit of trouble relaxing or sleeping. I feel constantly on edge. Not really restless, but more anticipating and waiting for something unpleasant to happen. The most direct result of this is my lack of patience. Generally speaking it can be damn near nonexistent at times, especially in the face of stupidity, ignorance, and poor behavior from others, but lately I find that I am almost embracing a discord of laothing. I hate that and all the unpleasantness and negativity it breeds.
But at night I find myself just wanting to be alone, but I don't want to go to sleep. It's the only time I have quiet and some sense of calm and it invites reflection, which I notice I am subconsciously avoiding with distractions of any kind. As I try to fight this insomnia monster with mental discipline (failed), structure (failed), and even medicine (failed), I fear the prolonged affects of my defeats are taking their tole on me physically and if I am honest, emotionally too.
My eating habits are piss poor and I spend my mornings feeling like a zombie as I pump myself with enough caffeine to possibly raise the dead (or Dick Cheney! Hahahahaha. I'm trying to not be so somber here---work with me) and by then the late afternoons and evenings find me jumpy, grumpy, and suffering. I'm artifically stimulated from the caffeine that I need in the mornings at this point and it gets my mind racing and leaves me anxious.
I spend my time trying to avoid thinking about two very distinct, but kind of related things: accomplishments and appearance. I think about myself at 40 and I don't feel like I've accomplished much aside from college, donating sperm, and babysitting. Yeah, I know that's an extremely negative view, but if I could avoid that I wouldn't be posting now and trying to work through it now would I?
The issue of appearance is simple, I am out of shape and it disturbs me. There are the obvious health reasons, but I find myself thinking of how embarassed my children will be by having a fat daddy. God it stresses me out and fills me with shame, self-loathing, and anger like I rarely experience. And to make matters worse, I keep this bottled up. Solutions are obvious, but the paths to them have once again become daunting and difficult.
And then there is the lack of accomplishments. As rewarding as staying at home with the triplets is, it is also mind-numbingly boring. I often find myself feeling like a horse that has been put to pasture after he can no longer compete. It doesn't help that money is extremely tight and working would help us out tremendously. So I find my mind wandering, looking at myself and where I'm at and what I've accomplished. Quite frankly its not enough and its obviously not fulfilling.
So coupled with my reservations on my appearance and hitting the milestone of 40, the lack of sleep, the anxiety, and stress that I've been bottling is starting to show itself physically. From aches and pains, to headaches and migraines, to nausea, and anxiety type panic attacks, I feel a total mess. There are times, most often when everyone has gone to sleep for the night or when the triplets are down for a nap, that my hands just shake, and my heart races, and I feel like everything is caving in on me. In the back of my mind I keep hoping that it will all pass once I turn 40 and I am past that and can see that everything really is ok. But even then I doubt I'll feel better because the truth is that regardless of age, what's bothering me has nothing to do with how old I am, but whether or not I've been as productive as I think I should.
So I hope that everyone who has undoutedly picked up on my mood swings, distance, or lack of patience will understand and not take this personal as I work through this.
Friday, March 6, 2009
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Why
****************************Disclaimer*****************************************
If this is your first time visiting, you really need to start reading from the beginning. You can't possibly hope to understand the perspective and motivation for this blog without starting there. You can easily get to the beginning either from the sidebar, or by clicking here. Thanks.
********************************************************************************
My last post mentioned the newly discovered popularity of my blog. I was more concerned with explaining the changes I was making as a result of this rather than addressing new issues that have come from it. I am prepared to do that now.
The primary focus of the blog has been relationships, specifically my relationship with my mother and my father, but I have also touched upon my wife, my sisters, my aunts, and my brothers. At least that's what I remember of the top of my head. And each time I've written about them, the context if thoroughly based on my perceptions. Guess what, it's my blog, so why wouldn't it? But the thing is that each examination is really an opportunity to focus my thoughts into something workable and nondestructive.
That means that when I come across as bitching and moaning, I am doing just that. What's different is that I am courageously doing what most of us never do, and that is I am airing my thoughts as I have them, unfiltered, unscrutinized, and unapologetically there for myself, and others, to see. I do this because I have the penchant to ignore my feelings and leave issues unresolved, allowing them to fester in until they come out in the most unhealthy ways, often directed at people who had nothing to do with anything. So instead of having cross words, or writing emails and letters that are completely uncalled for and mean-spirited, I can go back and look at what I wrote and organize my thoughts and feelings into a healthy response.
If you can't understand this, or the logic and reason behind this, then I would challenge you to get your head out of your ass and try acting mature.
I find currently myself at a crossroads in my life (sorry for the cliche) transitioning from a life with my mother to one without it. While you can never fully be prepared emotionally for this, I at least saw this coming ahead of time. Despite this, I made the decision not to cave in to pressure from my family and continue my distance from my mother and basically not talk to her, although in her final days I did write her a letter that she probably wasn't able to read, hear, or understand. I am OK with that. It's not what I would have liked to have had happen, but that's how it ended.
As her death has passed, I've taken slings and shots over my decision not to "forgive" her and talk to her and tell her I loved her. My sisters and aunts had a hard time with this, and I can totally appreciate that. They weren't ready for my mother to die at such a relatively early age, and quite frankly neither was I. Things were said that weren't helpful and were taken as mean and hurtful, but I choose to believe they were unintentional and I have to believe that they were all still so very said and hurt over the loss of my mother. I think any mature adult would be able to forgive some ill-spoken words that came out of that time. I know I have.
However, there have been hushed comments and whispers that remain long after what I deem to be an appropriate amount of time for people to get themselves together. Whether it is these hushed remarks or hate-filled emails from misanthropic and hubris filled, emotionally stunted people is irrelevant. I think, since this blog is also serving other people, that I should explain myself a bit on the subject of my mother and why I didn't talk to her during her final days.
My mother betrayed me. That's how this came to pass. Click on the link to read how (or refresh your memory) because I'm not going to summarize it here. What she did was horrible, and she acknowledged that in a phone message she left for me. But if you knew her you also know that she didn't have a clean slate up until that time, it was just the final straw in a history of abuse, neglect, and manipulation. I'm not trying to bad mouth her now that she is gone, but I'm also not going to lie and pretend these things didn't happen either.
So, once she betrayed me, I decided I wasn't going to keep her in my life. I wasn't going to make a huge speech or grand statement declaring my intentions and burn bridges in the process, I just pulled back, refused calls, and didn't initiate anything. The only plan I had was to make sure I didn't allow her to hurt me again. Those closest to me applauded this decision and to this day I know it was the right one.
Since then, I've been asked by many people what my mother could have done to make me change my mind. My wife, my friends, my therapist Ivan, and even my father have all wanted to know. I think it's important to acknowledge this question and answer it here, because it is the absence of these actions by her that allowed me to continue my distance and silence into the rest of her life.
As I recently told my father, I do no regret my actions or decisions. My mother could have shown me that she was truly sorry for what she had done by removing the burden and responsibility of forcing her children, let me be more specific and just call it accurately and say Teri, of having to anguish through making decisions that she should have made on her own. She had over a year to set her affairs in motion, to sign a living will, to request a DNR status, and to name Teri the medical power of attorney. She also had that time to secure life insurance so that Teri and her sisters were stuck paying for her death arrangements.
She didn't.
My mother lost me in her life indirectly because of how not taking responsibility for that can hurt and affect those you love. Yet she did nothing, or to be fair, if she did I wasn't aware of it. At the very least, I know that with the exception of getting life insurance, she didn't need money to take care of her loved ones.
As much as I loved her, and I absolutely did love her, this characterized her life. She always looked for someone else to be responsible for her. Emotionally, socially, and financially, she never had accountability. Even up to the end, I prayed every night for her, and hoped that she would finally take action and for once do what was right. But we know she didn't. So how could I accept her back into my life when I knew exactly what was coming?
My niece and nephew can hate me for taking this stance, so can anyone else. But they didn't have to listen to all the pain and torment in my sister's voice when she told me about how much she suffered trying to do right by my mother. My sister Teri loves them both far too much to have let them hear the hurt, the pain, and the fear in her voice while she second guessed herself and her actions. My sister was a true hero and I don't think my mother deserved the selfless devotion that Teri gave to her. But I heard how tore up Teri was over whether to keep my mother alive by a machine yet dead in her soul.
I have seen my sister go through some tough times in her life, but I have never heard her so low as the she was then. That wasn't fair to her. It could have been avoided. But my mother choose not to. That's why I didn't change my mind. That's why I do not regret my actions or choices. I loved my mother, but I could not support what she was doing. I love my sister and I am so sorry that she went through that, and hell she's probably still hurting from that.
So to anyone out there that wants to judge me, that wants to attack me or comment on me. You go ahead. I stood by and supported the right decisions.
If this is your first time visiting, you really need to start reading from the beginning. You can't possibly hope to understand the perspective and motivation for this blog without starting there. You can easily get to the beginning either from the sidebar, or by clicking here. Thanks.
********************************************************************************
My last post mentioned the newly discovered popularity of my blog. I was more concerned with explaining the changes I was making as a result of this rather than addressing new issues that have come from it. I am prepared to do that now.
The primary focus of the blog has been relationships, specifically my relationship with my mother and my father, but I have also touched upon my wife, my sisters, my aunts, and my brothers. At least that's what I remember of the top of my head. And each time I've written about them, the context if thoroughly based on my perceptions. Guess what, it's my blog, so why wouldn't it? But the thing is that each examination is really an opportunity to focus my thoughts into something workable and nondestructive.
That means that when I come across as bitching and moaning, I am doing just that. What's different is that I am courageously doing what most of us never do, and that is I am airing my thoughts as I have them, unfiltered, unscrutinized, and unapologetically there for myself, and others, to see. I do this because I have the penchant to ignore my feelings and leave issues unresolved, allowing them to fester in until they come out in the most unhealthy ways, often directed at people who had nothing to do with anything. So instead of having cross words, or writing emails and letters that are completely uncalled for and mean-spirited, I can go back and look at what I wrote and organize my thoughts and feelings into a healthy response.
If you can't understand this, or the logic and reason behind this, then I would challenge you to get your head out of your ass and try acting mature.
I find currently myself at a crossroads in my life (sorry for the cliche) transitioning from a life with my mother to one without it. While you can never fully be prepared emotionally for this, I at least saw this coming ahead of time. Despite this, I made the decision not to cave in to pressure from my family and continue my distance from my mother and basically not talk to her, although in her final days I did write her a letter that she probably wasn't able to read, hear, or understand. I am OK with that. It's not what I would have liked to have had happen, but that's how it ended.
As her death has passed, I've taken slings and shots over my decision not to "forgive" her and talk to her and tell her I loved her. My sisters and aunts had a hard time with this, and I can totally appreciate that. They weren't ready for my mother to die at such a relatively early age, and quite frankly neither was I. Things were said that weren't helpful and were taken as mean and hurtful, but I choose to believe they were unintentional and I have to believe that they were all still so very said and hurt over the loss of my mother. I think any mature adult would be able to forgive some ill-spoken words that came out of that time. I know I have.
However, there have been hushed comments and whispers that remain long after what I deem to be an appropriate amount of time for people to get themselves together. Whether it is these hushed remarks or hate-filled emails from misanthropic and hubris filled, emotionally stunted people is irrelevant. I think, since this blog is also serving other people, that I should explain myself a bit on the subject of my mother and why I didn't talk to her during her final days.
My mother betrayed me. That's how this came to pass. Click on the link to read how (or refresh your memory) because I'm not going to summarize it here. What she did was horrible, and she acknowledged that in a phone message she left for me. But if you knew her you also know that she didn't have a clean slate up until that time, it was just the final straw in a history of abuse, neglect, and manipulation. I'm not trying to bad mouth her now that she is gone, but I'm also not going to lie and pretend these things didn't happen either.
So, once she betrayed me, I decided I wasn't going to keep her in my life. I wasn't going to make a huge speech or grand statement declaring my intentions and burn bridges in the process, I just pulled back, refused calls, and didn't initiate anything. The only plan I had was to make sure I didn't allow her to hurt me again. Those closest to me applauded this decision and to this day I know it was the right one.
Since then, I've been asked by many people what my mother could have done to make me change my mind. My wife, my friends, my therapist Ivan, and even my father have all wanted to know. I think it's important to acknowledge this question and answer it here, because it is the absence of these actions by her that allowed me to continue my distance and silence into the rest of her life.
As I recently told my father, I do no regret my actions or decisions. My mother could have shown me that she was truly sorry for what she had done by removing the burden and responsibility of forcing her children, let me be more specific and just call it accurately and say Teri, of having to anguish through making decisions that she should have made on her own. She had over a year to set her affairs in motion, to sign a living will, to request a DNR status, and to name Teri the medical power of attorney. She also had that time to secure life insurance so that Teri and her sisters were stuck paying for her death arrangements.
She didn't.
My mother lost me in her life indirectly because of how not taking responsibility for that can hurt and affect those you love. Yet she did nothing, or to be fair, if she did I wasn't aware of it. At the very least, I know that with the exception of getting life insurance, she didn't need money to take care of her loved ones.
As much as I loved her, and I absolutely did love her, this characterized her life. She always looked for someone else to be responsible for her. Emotionally, socially, and financially, she never had accountability. Even up to the end, I prayed every night for her, and hoped that she would finally take action and for once do what was right. But we know she didn't. So how could I accept her back into my life when I knew exactly what was coming?
My niece and nephew can hate me for taking this stance, so can anyone else. But they didn't have to listen to all the pain and torment in my sister's voice when she told me about how much she suffered trying to do right by my mother. My sister Teri loves them both far too much to have let them hear the hurt, the pain, and the fear in her voice while she second guessed herself and her actions. My sister was a true hero and I don't think my mother deserved the selfless devotion that Teri gave to her. But I heard how tore up Teri was over whether to keep my mother alive by a machine yet dead in her soul.
I have seen my sister go through some tough times in her life, but I have never heard her so low as the she was then. That wasn't fair to her. It could have been avoided. But my mother choose not to. That's why I didn't change my mind. That's why I do not regret my actions or choices. I loved my mother, but I could not support what she was doing. I love my sister and I am so sorry that she went through that, and hell she's probably still hurting from that.
So to anyone out there that wants to judge me, that wants to attack me or comment on me. You go ahead. I stood by and supported the right decisions.
Popularity
****************************Disclaimer*****************************************
If this is your first time visiting, you really need to start reading from the beginning. You can't possibly hope to understand the perspective and motivation for this blog without starting there. You can easily get to the beginning either from the sidebar, or by clicking here. Thanks.
********************************************************************************
Apparently this blog has become popular with quite a few people. It is being talked about and shared, discussed and debated. Or so it sounds like to me. Unfortunately this is not a good thing because the content isn't something most people are able to deal with. To that end, I have made a few changes which I am hoping will help. The first is a better description of the blog and how to read it, which now appears at the sidebar. I've also decided that I need to include a disclaimer at the beginning of every post. It's cumbersome and annoying for both the reader and for me as I write, but it has to be here.
But this blog, while finite, is not going anywhere until it has run its course. I don't regret anything I've written and I'm not embarrassed either. I will continue to write posts and further examine my feelings and thoughts about a wide number of issues that I am dealing with. This is a positive tool for me and while I don't expect my detractors to agree or understand, they should know that without this outlet I would be quite confrontational and prone to hurt others. Perhaps I shouldn't be the only one thinking and examining their feelings, as well as those of others, after each post.
So, those are the changes and those are the reasons why. Hopefully this won't be too cumbersome.
If this is your first time visiting, you really need to start reading from the beginning. You can't possibly hope to understand the perspective and motivation for this blog without starting there. You can easily get to the beginning either from the sidebar, or by clicking here. Thanks.
********************************************************************************
Apparently this blog has become popular with quite a few people. It is being talked about and shared, discussed and debated. Or so it sounds like to me. Unfortunately this is not a good thing because the content isn't something most people are able to deal with. To that end, I have made a few changes which I am hoping will help. The first is a better description of the blog and how to read it, which now appears at the sidebar. I've also decided that I need to include a disclaimer at the beginning of every post. It's cumbersome and annoying for both the reader and for me as I write, but it has to be here.
But this blog, while finite, is not going anywhere until it has run its course. I don't regret anything I've written and I'm not embarrassed either. I will continue to write posts and further examine my feelings and thoughts about a wide number of issues that I am dealing with. This is a positive tool for me and while I don't expect my detractors to agree or understand, they should know that without this outlet I would be quite confrontational and prone to hurt others. Perhaps I shouldn't be the only one thinking and examining their feelings, as well as those of others, after each post.
So, those are the changes and those are the reasons why. Hopefully this won't be too cumbersome.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Hello???...............I'm not listening
The passage of time since my mother died is making this adjustment easier on me. Luckily (i think ) I had a tooth and gum infection set in shortly after wards that required some seriously extensive surgery to get rid of the tooth and fix the damage that was necessary to make to get it out. Anyways, that equaled plenty of pain and has taken my extra time to focusing on that after I do things for the wife and kids here.
So, thinking about her has lessened to the point I expect that very soon I will have my first day and possibly longer with out thinking about her. Both will be sad and welcome relief.
But I've not stood still throughout all of this. I am beginning to think about what my life's philosophy is and I am beginning to re-examine my outlook. I expect this will be a personal spiritual quest. I don't have much beyond that to share, so I will wait until that time to share it here.
I talked to two family members in the last week. My sister Teri and I talked for most of the hour. I still feel real bad for her because even though most of the things that need to be done are done, she's still exhausted and bewildered with her new life and that of her children. She also got a promotion at work that should help to make her life easier both financially and socially (with new hours). But she's still very angry, hurting, and it's going to be awhile before she can come to peace with all her feelings. She's just not ready to heal and let go of the pain yet and even then who knows what her mind set will be like.
I also got a call from my Aunt Gail today, kind of out of the blue. Teri mentioned to me that Gail wasn't doing well, which if you remember I said was obvious after Gail's telephone conversation with Traci. Gail and I talked about it, and of course Gail had a different perspective that didn't sound nearly as bad as what I was previously told was accurate--- no big surprise there. I took the quick way out and said that I didn't know what was said and didn't want to because it changes absolutely nothing. People are still upset about it (and the reasons they talked about it), nothing from the past has changed, and my mom is still dead.
But I think that Gail's reason for calling was to try and see how I was and just get a gauge of what I was thinking and feeling, which is to be commendable. She specifically said she didn't want to call earlier because she didn't know what to expect.
I was really caught off guard with this, due mostly to the pain I am in and the meds I am on.....I was unfortunately not on the top of my game (and because of that I think I did wonderfully since there was no fighting). But I don't remember exactly how we segued into different topics, but she brought up the division between my mother and I right before her death. I think she did a good job of not getting to judging me too much, but she was still a bit condemning of my actions. I had a chance to fire back about her own issues over a similar situation between her and my grandfather when he died and how that experience doesn't relate here, but with the risk of alienating her and causing her more pain or strife, I just repeated to her what I was upset about and why my actions were chosen. I actually started my reply by politely saying that it wasn't anyone's business but my mother's and mine. That all being said, Gail still went and made excuses for her and showed no understanding or even respect for me.
Next she began talking about my kids and how I need to be careful about letting things affect them through me and not to be poisonous and filled with vitriol when telling them about her. I tried very hard to focus on her motivation here, because I truly think she wanted to be helpful and protective. I am going to have to work to get past those comments because that actually really pissed me off. Regardless of being a parent, I am a much better human than to act like that. It's insulting to me to have someone, a relative especially, think so little of me that they think they're doing me a service. They have no previous recorded behavior to base that assumption on and have very little experience or knowledge of how I raise my kids, so it's fucking pathetic to me to take that stance. I'll get over it because I believe her heart was in the right place, but it just goes to show how much that they have no idea about who I really am, as well what my outlooks are on probably anything.
As I would tell Ivan my therapist, those are her issues to get over with, I just need to learn how to react to her and keep myself free from that type of shallow assumption making and conversation, which is about 85%-90% of how things are handled.
I won't be seeing Ivan until after the holidays, but one of the things we are going to work on and look at, is my desire to really break ties with all of my family once and for all. I don't want it to be a huge explosive battle when it happens, I'd much rather have things fade without commotion than anything else. We'll see.
So, thinking about her has lessened to the point I expect that very soon I will have my first day and possibly longer with out thinking about her. Both will be sad and welcome relief.
But I've not stood still throughout all of this. I am beginning to think about what my life's philosophy is and I am beginning to re-examine my outlook. I expect this will be a personal spiritual quest. I don't have much beyond that to share, so I will wait until that time to share it here.
I talked to two family members in the last week. My sister Teri and I talked for most of the hour. I still feel real bad for her because even though most of the things that need to be done are done, she's still exhausted and bewildered with her new life and that of her children. She also got a promotion at work that should help to make her life easier both financially and socially (with new hours). But she's still very angry, hurting, and it's going to be awhile before she can come to peace with all her feelings. She's just not ready to heal and let go of the pain yet and even then who knows what her mind set will be like.
I also got a call from my Aunt Gail today, kind of out of the blue. Teri mentioned to me that Gail wasn't doing well, which if you remember I said was obvious after Gail's telephone conversation with Traci. Gail and I talked about it, and of course Gail had a different perspective that didn't sound nearly as bad as what I was previously told was accurate--- no big surprise there. I took the quick way out and said that I didn't know what was said and didn't want to because it changes absolutely nothing. People are still upset about it (and the reasons they talked about it), nothing from the past has changed, and my mom is still dead.
But I think that Gail's reason for calling was to try and see how I was and just get a gauge of what I was thinking and feeling, which is to be commendable. She specifically said she didn't want to call earlier because she didn't know what to expect.
I was really caught off guard with this, due mostly to the pain I am in and the meds I am on.....I was unfortunately not on the top of my game (and because of that I think I did wonderfully since there was no fighting). But I don't remember exactly how we segued into different topics, but she brought up the division between my mother and I right before her death. I think she did a good job of not getting to judging me too much, but she was still a bit condemning of my actions. I had a chance to fire back about her own issues over a similar situation between her and my grandfather when he died and how that experience doesn't relate here, but with the risk of alienating her and causing her more pain or strife, I just repeated to her what I was upset about and why my actions were chosen. I actually started my reply by politely saying that it wasn't anyone's business but my mother's and mine. That all being said, Gail still went and made excuses for her and showed no understanding or even respect for me.
Next she began talking about my kids and how I need to be careful about letting things affect them through me and not to be poisonous and filled with vitriol when telling them about her. I tried very hard to focus on her motivation here, because I truly think she wanted to be helpful and protective. I am going to have to work to get past those comments because that actually really pissed me off. Regardless of being a parent, I am a much better human than to act like that. It's insulting to me to have someone, a relative especially, think so little of me that they think they're doing me a service. They have no previous recorded behavior to base that assumption on and have very little experience or knowledge of how I raise my kids, so it's fucking pathetic to me to take that stance. I'll get over it because I believe her heart was in the right place, but it just goes to show how much that they have no idea about who I really am, as well what my outlooks are on probably anything.
As I would tell Ivan my therapist, those are her issues to get over with, I just need to learn how to react to her and keep myself free from that type of shallow assumption making and conversation, which is about 85%-90% of how things are handled.
I won't be seeing Ivan until after the holidays, but one of the things we are going to work on and look at, is my desire to really break ties with all of my family once and for all. I don't want it to be a huge explosive battle when it happens, I'd much rather have things fade without commotion than anything else. We'll see.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Solitary
It's just about two weeks now since my mother died. I've flown through a ridiculous amount of emotions and feelings since then that I don't think I have anything left. I'm looking forward to my regularly scheduled therapy session tonight which I am hoping will help me find some perspective and start moving forward.
The hardest thing I am dealing with right now is that I don't feel connected to anyone any more. The thought of spending time with my friends is damn near revolting and stomach churning. Socializing seems very pointless right now because I don't see that it offers me anything and I doubt I would want to even contribute. Getting me to spend time with others is going to be like pulling teeth.
I just feel like I have so much work to do that it isn't even worth it to try and get together with people, regardless of the reason. To be quite honest, I no longer feel connected with anyone that I am friends with. I look at them, and besides the obvious polite conversation topics, they just seem to be bored by anything I bring up. So I don't. I usually take the excuse to watch the triplets and spend time with them and any other kids and pray for the time to pass quickly so I can make an early exit. I am sure it is all me, but I feel so disconnected from my friends that they seem foreign and strange. Maybe this is something to examine soon on here too, because even though I feel this way, I recognize it is not right.
At this point I just want to make sure I don't start hating people. Specifically my family. I know I don't want them in my life anymore, but I am having a bit of trouble shutting that door. It doesn't have to be for good, but honesty and logic suggest that it very well may be that way because they probably won't change. I think that once my sister has the final services for my mother here in Illinois that I will stop contacting anyone and just move on with my life. I think that is truly the best for me, and it's certainly the best for my wife and kids.
I wanted much more and for things to be so much better, but that was obviously never to be. And as I've said here before, I had control over myself, my words, and my actions, and I am proud of how I conducted myself in all those areas. Others had, and probably are still having, a hard time with them, but they are the ones who control their reactions,
I'll probably write more in a few days after I have had time to digest my therapy session tonight.
The hardest thing I am dealing with right now is that I don't feel connected to anyone any more. The thought of spending time with my friends is damn near revolting and stomach churning. Socializing seems very pointless right now because I don't see that it offers me anything and I doubt I would want to even contribute. Getting me to spend time with others is going to be like pulling teeth.
I just feel like I have so much work to do that it isn't even worth it to try and get together with people, regardless of the reason. To be quite honest, I no longer feel connected with anyone that I am friends with. I look at them, and besides the obvious polite conversation topics, they just seem to be bored by anything I bring up. So I don't. I usually take the excuse to watch the triplets and spend time with them and any other kids and pray for the time to pass quickly so I can make an early exit. I am sure it is all me, but I feel so disconnected from my friends that they seem foreign and strange. Maybe this is something to examine soon on here too, because even though I feel this way, I recognize it is not right.
At this point I just want to make sure I don't start hating people. Specifically my family. I know I don't want them in my life anymore, but I am having a bit of trouble shutting that door. It doesn't have to be for good, but honesty and logic suggest that it very well may be that way because they probably won't change. I think that once my sister has the final services for my mother here in Illinois that I will stop contacting anyone and just move on with my life. I think that is truly the best for me, and it's certainly the best for my wife and kids.
I wanted much more and for things to be so much better, but that was obviously never to be. And as I've said here before, I had control over myself, my words, and my actions, and I am proud of how I conducted myself in all those areas. Others had, and probably are still having, a hard time with them, but they are the ones who control their reactions,
I'll probably write more in a few days after I have had time to digest my therapy session tonight.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
The Silence From Dreamscape
I mentioned last time that much of what I've been experiencing with memories has been dream related. Last night I had a particularly weird and disturbing dream. There is nothing too fancy about it, but in my dream I was watching myself, sitting in a wooden chair and words just appeared before me. They were initially random, like screwdriver or birds nest or lettuce, but eventually they became names, mean cruel names. As I watched this happening, I watched myself start to cry. It felt like forever as this happened, cruel words flashing in front of me calling me names, and I just sat there and cried by myself.
Eventually my family slowly became visible behind, talking to themselves and not even acknowledging me. My mother was there and so was my father, and all the while the words kept appearing in front of me and my crying seemed to be harder. Then the words stopped and snapshots of my life came into play, all sad and all continuing to keep me crying. I remember turning uncomfortably in bed while this was going and and I think I may have briefly woke a time or two during this. Then everything started switching back and forth between the mean words and images to the point they were intermingling. Slowly everything started to get dimmer and my family faded out one by one.
As it got darker and I was alone again I could see my face was red and swollen from my crying and I looked to be about 23 or 24 years old. As the last person of my family faded out, everything but the words and images were in shadows. I saw myself put my head down and put my face in my hands. I looked ashamed as I began to sob uncontrollably.
This went on for quite awhile until I suddenly stood up and wiped my eyes with my arm and just looked around at all the shadows and in the direction of where my family had been. After awhile I turned and looked at myself and I could see my face was still red and swollen and damp from crying, but it scared me because my eyes were bright red. I watched myself looking at me for a bit and then I shrugged and walked by to the chair, picked it up and beat it into the floor, shattering it.
Everything seemed to be getting darker and I could hardly see. The words came back and I saw myself look up at them and they were replaced by a picture of my wife and kids. They were all playing and the kids seemed older. They were running around on a path in some mountain, and the kids were yelling "Hike, Hike, Hike" with Meva leading the way. After a bit, Ryan started yelling, "Daddy, Are You? and looking around. Meva and the kids began looking for me and they all turned around and looked out of the image at me and began calling to me and waving. I watched myself watch this, wiping more tears from my face, and then I walked into the picture.
Everything else went black and then the words started to appear again, this time in front of me and I realized I was sitting in a chair. At that point I woke up. I was exhausted, had tears in my eyes, and I just felt terrible. I still do.
If you're into dream interpretation, there's a lot there to comment on. I see it myself.
I find it interesting that I had that dream and in reality my family isn't calling me. I really wanted, despite everything, to make sure they were OK and doing well, but they just aren't calling me, and when I do call them, it's a pretty short call in which it seems they are eager to get off the phone. So be it I suppose.
Nothing in the dream, no matter how terrible, makes me regret the choices I made. I know they were the right one for me and that everything I did it for and everything I thought would come of it seems to be beginning. The sooner it starts, the sooner I'll be through with it too, and that's what I am waiting for.
Eventually my family slowly became visible behind, talking to themselves and not even acknowledging me. My mother was there and so was my father, and all the while the words kept appearing in front of me and my crying seemed to be harder. Then the words stopped and snapshots of my life came into play, all sad and all continuing to keep me crying. I remember turning uncomfortably in bed while this was going and and I think I may have briefly woke a time or two during this. Then everything started switching back and forth between the mean words and images to the point they were intermingling. Slowly everything started to get dimmer and my family faded out one by one.
As it got darker and I was alone again I could see my face was red and swollen from my crying and I looked to be about 23 or 24 years old. As the last person of my family faded out, everything but the words and images were in shadows. I saw myself put my head down and put my face in my hands. I looked ashamed as I began to sob uncontrollably.
This went on for quite awhile until I suddenly stood up and wiped my eyes with my arm and just looked around at all the shadows and in the direction of where my family had been. After awhile I turned and looked at myself and I could see my face was still red and swollen and damp from crying, but it scared me because my eyes were bright red. I watched myself looking at me for a bit and then I shrugged and walked by to the chair, picked it up and beat it into the floor, shattering it.
Everything seemed to be getting darker and I could hardly see. The words came back and I saw myself look up at them and they were replaced by a picture of my wife and kids. They were all playing and the kids seemed older. They were running around on a path in some mountain, and the kids were yelling "Hike, Hike, Hike" with Meva leading the way. After a bit, Ryan started yelling, "Daddy, Are You? and looking around. Meva and the kids began looking for me and they all turned around and looked out of the image at me and began calling to me and waving. I watched myself watch this, wiping more tears from my face, and then I walked into the picture.
Everything else went black and then the words started to appear again, this time in front of me and I realized I was sitting in a chair. At that point I woke up. I was exhausted, had tears in my eyes, and I just felt terrible. I still do.
If you're into dream interpretation, there's a lot there to comment on. I see it myself.
I find it interesting that I had that dream and in reality my family isn't calling me. I really wanted, despite everything, to make sure they were OK and doing well, but they just aren't calling me, and when I do call them, it's a pretty short call in which it seems they are eager to get off the phone. So be it I suppose.
Nothing in the dream, no matter how terrible, makes me regret the choices I made. I know they were the right one for me and that everything I did it for and everything I thought would come of it seems to be beginning. The sooner it starts, the sooner I'll be through with it too, and that's what I am waiting for.
Rage & Legacy
I think I am a mess. An absolute and total mess.
I have so many emotions and memories fighting inside of me and influencing my mood and thoughts I am just barely able to function each day. Depression isn't even close to how am I feeling right now. In everything I feel and think, there is such a powerful and emotional intensity that rages within me. I spend the days fighting this and they end with me mentally and physically exhausted.
I'm not ashamed to say that the things my sister told me the night my mother died bothered me. Even though I believe that my mother now knows the truth of how I feel, I'm hurt that there was a chance my final words didn't make it to her, and because of how mentally unstable she was she didn't get to here those words for the last time. My god does that bother me. I could live with it if I had dragged my feet and didn't send my goodbyes in time, but I sent them almost a week before she died and my sister never said anything to me, and I just don't like the reasons I come up with as to why almost 4 days had to pass before I called her on it and she then told me she didn't get it. Those were important days, the last days of her lucidity, and it taken not just from me, but also from her. I don't even know if it's worth going into right now, the reasons for that delay, as I think I it would just set my blood pressure rising even more and require me to take another round of meds to calm down, and I have had more than I wanted to already. I'll have to look at it another time, but I am steamed about it more every time I think of it, and that's something I haven't been able to push from my mind.
On top of everything, I find myself examining the meaning of legacy, both in my mother's life and what it means to myself and my sisters. It makes me want to just lock myself away and cry for hours. There is so little positive to pull out of this. All the memories of her life seem to just stack higher and higher into pile selfish failure. The fact that I think this hurts me and the fact that it is true, hurts me all the more. Despite the selfish, wicked, or ridiculous things that she did to me in my life, I always wanted better than that for her. I rooted for her to turn her life around and take advantage of the opportunities she had, but she just never let it happen.
That leads me directly into wondering about my Legacy and what I will be leaving to my kids. I get so scared thinking about this, thinking that I have done a poor job, and that like my mother I may end up with a longer list of failures and unused opportunities. It's unhealthy to think like this, but it's there when I'm alone or trying to go to sleep. It's made me see things in a new light and that's led me to the realization that despite what I previously thought in my life, I'm not afraid of dying. I am afraid of dying incomplete and unfulfilled. That's a biography that would shame me to leave to my kids, and yet right now I just think of all I've not tried and experienced, that I'll end up just like my mother.
And yet, despite being on the outs with her and not really having spoken to her for over a year, I miss her. As crazy as she made me, and as miserable and frustrated as I often was after talking to her, I still wish she was here. I wanted her to be my mother and to turn her life around, but she couldn't and when she died, that was one of the worst things I have ever felt in my life.
Oh yeah, my family has pretty much stopped calling me now. It's only been a few days now since my mother was cremated and they had services for her, but I think that this is how the fallout of my actions is going to be.....................silence. The trouble with it is that the longer it lasts, the easier it to get used to and the harder it is break through. And when I think about the negatives..........
I'll write more later.
I have so many emotions and memories fighting inside of me and influencing my mood and thoughts I am just barely able to function each day. Depression isn't even close to how am I feeling right now. In everything I feel and think, there is such a powerful and emotional intensity that rages within me. I spend the days fighting this and they end with me mentally and physically exhausted.
I'm not ashamed to say that the things my sister told me the night my mother died bothered me. Even though I believe that my mother now knows the truth of how I feel, I'm hurt that there was a chance my final words didn't make it to her, and because of how mentally unstable she was she didn't get to here those words for the last time. My god does that bother me. I could live with it if I had dragged my feet and didn't send my goodbyes in time, but I sent them almost a week before she died and my sister never said anything to me, and I just don't like the reasons I come up with as to why almost 4 days had to pass before I called her on it and she then told me she didn't get it. Those were important days, the last days of her lucidity, and it taken not just from me, but also from her. I don't even know if it's worth going into right now, the reasons for that delay, as I think I it would just set my blood pressure rising even more and require me to take another round of meds to calm down, and I have had more than I wanted to already. I'll have to look at it another time, but I am steamed about it more every time I think of it, and that's something I haven't been able to push from my mind.
On top of everything, I find myself examining the meaning of legacy, both in my mother's life and what it means to myself and my sisters. It makes me want to just lock myself away and cry for hours. There is so little positive to pull out of this. All the memories of her life seem to just stack higher and higher into pile selfish failure. The fact that I think this hurts me and the fact that it is true, hurts me all the more. Despite the selfish, wicked, or ridiculous things that she did to me in my life, I always wanted better than that for her. I rooted for her to turn her life around and take advantage of the opportunities she had, but she just never let it happen.
That leads me directly into wondering about my Legacy and what I will be leaving to my kids. I get so scared thinking about this, thinking that I have done a poor job, and that like my mother I may end up with a longer list of failures and unused opportunities. It's unhealthy to think like this, but it's there when I'm alone or trying to go to sleep. It's made me see things in a new light and that's led me to the realization that despite what I previously thought in my life, I'm not afraid of dying. I am afraid of dying incomplete and unfulfilled. That's a biography that would shame me to leave to my kids, and yet right now I just think of all I've not tried and experienced, that I'll end up just like my mother.
And yet, despite being on the outs with her and not really having spoken to her for over a year, I miss her. As crazy as she made me, and as miserable and frustrated as I often was after talking to her, I still wish she was here. I wanted her to be my mother and to turn her life around, but she couldn't and when she died, that was one of the worst things I have ever felt in my life.
Oh yeah, my family has pretty much stopped calling me now. It's only been a few days now since my mother was cremated and they had services for her, but I think that this is how the fallout of my actions is going to be.....................silence. The trouble with it is that the longer it lasts, the easier it to get used to and the harder it is break through. And when I think about the negatives..........
I'll write more later.
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