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If this is your first time visiting, you really need to start reading from the beginning. You can't possibly hope to understand the perspective and motivation for this blog without starting there. You can easily get to the beginning either from the sidebar, or by clicking here. Thanks.
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Apparently this blog has become popular with quite a few people. It is being talked about and shared, discussed and debated. Or so it sounds like to me. Unfortunately this is not a good thing because the content isn't something most people are able to deal with. To that end, I have made a few changes which I am hoping will help. The first is a better description of the blog and how to read it, which now appears at the sidebar. I've also decided that I need to include a disclaimer at the beginning of every post. It's cumbersome and annoying for both the reader and for me as I write, but it has to be here.
But this blog, while finite, is not going anywhere until it has run its course. I don't regret anything I've written and I'm not embarrassed either. I will continue to write posts and further examine my feelings and thoughts about a wide number of issues that I am dealing with. This is a positive tool for me and while I don't expect my detractors to agree or understand, they should know that without this outlet I would be quite confrontational and prone to hurt others. Perhaps I shouldn't be the only one thinking and examining their feelings, as well as those of others, after each post.
So, those are the changes and those are the reasons why. Hopefully this won't be too cumbersome.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Hello???...............I'm not listening
The passage of time since my mother died is making this adjustment easier on me. Luckily (i think ) I had a tooth and gum infection set in shortly after wards that required some seriously extensive surgery to get rid of the tooth and fix the damage that was necessary to make to get it out. Anyways, that equaled plenty of pain and has taken my extra time to focusing on that after I do things for the wife and kids here.
So, thinking about her has lessened to the point I expect that very soon I will have my first day and possibly longer with out thinking about her. Both will be sad and welcome relief.
But I've not stood still throughout all of this. I am beginning to think about what my life's philosophy is and I am beginning to re-examine my outlook. I expect this will be a personal spiritual quest. I don't have much beyond that to share, so I will wait until that time to share it here.
I talked to two family members in the last week. My sister Teri and I talked for most of the hour. I still feel real bad for her because even though most of the things that need to be done are done, she's still exhausted and bewildered with her new life and that of her children. She also got a promotion at work that should help to make her life easier both financially and socially (with new hours). But she's still very angry, hurting, and it's going to be awhile before she can come to peace with all her feelings. She's just not ready to heal and let go of the pain yet and even then who knows what her mind set will be like.
I also got a call from my Aunt Gail today, kind of out of the blue. Teri mentioned to me that Gail wasn't doing well, which if you remember I said was obvious after Gail's telephone conversation with Traci. Gail and I talked about it, and of course Gail had a different perspective that didn't sound nearly as bad as what I was previously told was accurate--- no big surprise there. I took the quick way out and said that I didn't know what was said and didn't want to because it changes absolutely nothing. People are still upset about it (and the reasons they talked about it), nothing from the past has changed, and my mom is still dead.
But I think that Gail's reason for calling was to try and see how I was and just get a gauge of what I was thinking and feeling, which is to be commendable. She specifically said she didn't want to call earlier because she didn't know what to expect.
I was really caught off guard with this, due mostly to the pain I am in and the meds I am on.....I was unfortunately not on the top of my game (and because of that I think I did wonderfully since there was no fighting). But I don't remember exactly how we segued into different topics, but she brought up the division between my mother and I right before her death. I think she did a good job of not getting to judging me too much, but she was still a bit condemning of my actions. I had a chance to fire back about her own issues over a similar situation between her and my grandfather when he died and how that experience doesn't relate here, but with the risk of alienating her and causing her more pain or strife, I just repeated to her what I was upset about and why my actions were chosen. I actually started my reply by politely saying that it wasn't anyone's business but my mother's and mine. That all being said, Gail still went and made excuses for her and showed no understanding or even respect for me.
Next she began talking about my kids and how I need to be careful about letting things affect them through me and not to be poisonous and filled with vitriol when telling them about her. I tried very hard to focus on her motivation here, because I truly think she wanted to be helpful and protective. I am going to have to work to get past those comments because that actually really pissed me off. Regardless of being a parent, I am a much better human than to act like that. It's insulting to me to have someone, a relative especially, think so little of me that they think they're doing me a service. They have no previous recorded behavior to base that assumption on and have very little experience or knowledge of how I raise my kids, so it's fucking pathetic to me to take that stance. I'll get over it because I believe her heart was in the right place, but it just goes to show how much that they have no idea about who I really am, as well what my outlooks are on probably anything.
As I would tell Ivan my therapist, those are her issues to get over with, I just need to learn how to react to her and keep myself free from that type of shallow assumption making and conversation, which is about 85%-90% of how things are handled.
I won't be seeing Ivan until after the holidays, but one of the things we are going to work on and look at, is my desire to really break ties with all of my family once and for all. I don't want it to be a huge explosive battle when it happens, I'd much rather have things fade without commotion than anything else. We'll see.
So, thinking about her has lessened to the point I expect that very soon I will have my first day and possibly longer with out thinking about her. Both will be sad and welcome relief.
But I've not stood still throughout all of this. I am beginning to think about what my life's philosophy is and I am beginning to re-examine my outlook. I expect this will be a personal spiritual quest. I don't have much beyond that to share, so I will wait until that time to share it here.
I talked to two family members in the last week. My sister Teri and I talked for most of the hour. I still feel real bad for her because even though most of the things that need to be done are done, she's still exhausted and bewildered with her new life and that of her children. She also got a promotion at work that should help to make her life easier both financially and socially (with new hours). But she's still very angry, hurting, and it's going to be awhile before she can come to peace with all her feelings. She's just not ready to heal and let go of the pain yet and even then who knows what her mind set will be like.
I also got a call from my Aunt Gail today, kind of out of the blue. Teri mentioned to me that Gail wasn't doing well, which if you remember I said was obvious after Gail's telephone conversation with Traci. Gail and I talked about it, and of course Gail had a different perspective that didn't sound nearly as bad as what I was previously told was accurate--- no big surprise there. I took the quick way out and said that I didn't know what was said and didn't want to because it changes absolutely nothing. People are still upset about it (and the reasons they talked about it), nothing from the past has changed, and my mom is still dead.
But I think that Gail's reason for calling was to try and see how I was and just get a gauge of what I was thinking and feeling, which is to be commendable. She specifically said she didn't want to call earlier because she didn't know what to expect.
I was really caught off guard with this, due mostly to the pain I am in and the meds I am on.....I was unfortunately not on the top of my game (and because of that I think I did wonderfully since there was no fighting). But I don't remember exactly how we segued into different topics, but she brought up the division between my mother and I right before her death. I think she did a good job of not getting to judging me too much, but she was still a bit condemning of my actions. I had a chance to fire back about her own issues over a similar situation between her and my grandfather when he died and how that experience doesn't relate here, but with the risk of alienating her and causing her more pain or strife, I just repeated to her what I was upset about and why my actions were chosen. I actually started my reply by politely saying that it wasn't anyone's business but my mother's and mine. That all being said, Gail still went and made excuses for her and showed no understanding or even respect for me.
Next she began talking about my kids and how I need to be careful about letting things affect them through me and not to be poisonous and filled with vitriol when telling them about her. I tried very hard to focus on her motivation here, because I truly think she wanted to be helpful and protective. I am going to have to work to get past those comments because that actually really pissed me off. Regardless of being a parent, I am a much better human than to act like that. It's insulting to me to have someone, a relative especially, think so little of me that they think they're doing me a service. They have no previous recorded behavior to base that assumption on and have very little experience or knowledge of how I raise my kids, so it's fucking pathetic to me to take that stance. I'll get over it because I believe her heart was in the right place, but it just goes to show how much that they have no idea about who I really am, as well what my outlooks are on probably anything.
As I would tell Ivan my therapist, those are her issues to get over with, I just need to learn how to react to her and keep myself free from that type of shallow assumption making and conversation, which is about 85%-90% of how things are handled.
I won't be seeing Ivan until after the holidays, but one of the things we are going to work on and look at, is my desire to really break ties with all of my family once and for all. I don't want it to be a huge explosive battle when it happens, I'd much rather have things fade without commotion than anything else. We'll see.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Solitary
It's just about two weeks now since my mother died. I've flown through a ridiculous amount of emotions and feelings since then that I don't think I have anything left. I'm looking forward to my regularly scheduled therapy session tonight which I am hoping will help me find some perspective and start moving forward.
The hardest thing I am dealing with right now is that I don't feel connected to anyone any more. The thought of spending time with my friends is damn near revolting and stomach churning. Socializing seems very pointless right now because I don't see that it offers me anything and I doubt I would want to even contribute. Getting me to spend time with others is going to be like pulling teeth.
I just feel like I have so much work to do that it isn't even worth it to try and get together with people, regardless of the reason. To be quite honest, I no longer feel connected with anyone that I am friends with. I look at them, and besides the obvious polite conversation topics, they just seem to be bored by anything I bring up. So I don't. I usually take the excuse to watch the triplets and spend time with them and any other kids and pray for the time to pass quickly so I can make an early exit. I am sure it is all me, but I feel so disconnected from my friends that they seem foreign and strange. Maybe this is something to examine soon on here too, because even though I feel this way, I recognize it is not right.
At this point I just want to make sure I don't start hating people. Specifically my family. I know I don't want them in my life anymore, but I am having a bit of trouble shutting that door. It doesn't have to be for good, but honesty and logic suggest that it very well may be that way because they probably won't change. I think that once my sister has the final services for my mother here in Illinois that I will stop contacting anyone and just move on with my life. I think that is truly the best for me, and it's certainly the best for my wife and kids.
I wanted much more and for things to be so much better, but that was obviously never to be. And as I've said here before, I had control over myself, my words, and my actions, and I am proud of how I conducted myself in all those areas. Others had, and probably are still having, a hard time with them, but they are the ones who control their reactions,
I'll probably write more in a few days after I have had time to digest my therapy session tonight.
The hardest thing I am dealing with right now is that I don't feel connected to anyone any more. The thought of spending time with my friends is damn near revolting and stomach churning. Socializing seems very pointless right now because I don't see that it offers me anything and I doubt I would want to even contribute. Getting me to spend time with others is going to be like pulling teeth.
I just feel like I have so much work to do that it isn't even worth it to try and get together with people, regardless of the reason. To be quite honest, I no longer feel connected with anyone that I am friends with. I look at them, and besides the obvious polite conversation topics, they just seem to be bored by anything I bring up. So I don't. I usually take the excuse to watch the triplets and spend time with them and any other kids and pray for the time to pass quickly so I can make an early exit. I am sure it is all me, but I feel so disconnected from my friends that they seem foreign and strange. Maybe this is something to examine soon on here too, because even though I feel this way, I recognize it is not right.
At this point I just want to make sure I don't start hating people. Specifically my family. I know I don't want them in my life anymore, but I am having a bit of trouble shutting that door. It doesn't have to be for good, but honesty and logic suggest that it very well may be that way because they probably won't change. I think that once my sister has the final services for my mother here in Illinois that I will stop contacting anyone and just move on with my life. I think that is truly the best for me, and it's certainly the best for my wife and kids.
I wanted much more and for things to be so much better, but that was obviously never to be. And as I've said here before, I had control over myself, my words, and my actions, and I am proud of how I conducted myself in all those areas. Others had, and probably are still having, a hard time with them, but they are the ones who control their reactions,
I'll probably write more in a few days after I have had time to digest my therapy session tonight.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
The Silence From Dreamscape
I mentioned last time that much of what I've been experiencing with memories has been dream related. Last night I had a particularly weird and disturbing dream. There is nothing too fancy about it, but in my dream I was watching myself, sitting in a wooden chair and words just appeared before me. They were initially random, like screwdriver or birds nest or lettuce, but eventually they became names, mean cruel names. As I watched this happening, I watched myself start to cry. It felt like forever as this happened, cruel words flashing in front of me calling me names, and I just sat there and cried by myself.
Eventually my family slowly became visible behind, talking to themselves and not even acknowledging me. My mother was there and so was my father, and all the while the words kept appearing in front of me and my crying seemed to be harder. Then the words stopped and snapshots of my life came into play, all sad and all continuing to keep me crying. I remember turning uncomfortably in bed while this was going and and I think I may have briefly woke a time or two during this. Then everything started switching back and forth between the mean words and images to the point they were intermingling. Slowly everything started to get dimmer and my family faded out one by one.
As it got darker and I was alone again I could see my face was red and swollen from my crying and I looked to be about 23 or 24 years old. As the last person of my family faded out, everything but the words and images were in shadows. I saw myself put my head down and put my face in my hands. I looked ashamed as I began to sob uncontrollably.
This went on for quite awhile until I suddenly stood up and wiped my eyes with my arm and just looked around at all the shadows and in the direction of where my family had been. After awhile I turned and looked at myself and I could see my face was still red and swollen and damp from crying, but it scared me because my eyes were bright red. I watched myself looking at me for a bit and then I shrugged and walked by to the chair, picked it up and beat it into the floor, shattering it.
Everything seemed to be getting darker and I could hardly see. The words came back and I saw myself look up at them and they were replaced by a picture of my wife and kids. They were all playing and the kids seemed older. They were running around on a path in some mountain, and the kids were yelling "Hike, Hike, Hike" with Meva leading the way. After a bit, Ryan started yelling, "Daddy, Are You? and looking around. Meva and the kids began looking for me and they all turned around and looked out of the image at me and began calling to me and waving. I watched myself watch this, wiping more tears from my face, and then I walked into the picture.
Everything else went black and then the words started to appear again, this time in front of me and I realized I was sitting in a chair. At that point I woke up. I was exhausted, had tears in my eyes, and I just felt terrible. I still do.
If you're into dream interpretation, there's a lot there to comment on. I see it myself.
I find it interesting that I had that dream and in reality my family isn't calling me. I really wanted, despite everything, to make sure they were OK and doing well, but they just aren't calling me, and when I do call them, it's a pretty short call in which it seems they are eager to get off the phone. So be it I suppose.
Nothing in the dream, no matter how terrible, makes me regret the choices I made. I know they were the right one for me and that everything I did it for and everything I thought would come of it seems to be beginning. The sooner it starts, the sooner I'll be through with it too, and that's what I am waiting for.
Eventually my family slowly became visible behind, talking to themselves and not even acknowledging me. My mother was there and so was my father, and all the while the words kept appearing in front of me and my crying seemed to be harder. Then the words stopped and snapshots of my life came into play, all sad and all continuing to keep me crying. I remember turning uncomfortably in bed while this was going and and I think I may have briefly woke a time or two during this. Then everything started switching back and forth between the mean words and images to the point they were intermingling. Slowly everything started to get dimmer and my family faded out one by one.
As it got darker and I was alone again I could see my face was red and swollen from my crying and I looked to be about 23 or 24 years old. As the last person of my family faded out, everything but the words and images were in shadows. I saw myself put my head down and put my face in my hands. I looked ashamed as I began to sob uncontrollably.
This went on for quite awhile until I suddenly stood up and wiped my eyes with my arm and just looked around at all the shadows and in the direction of where my family had been. After awhile I turned and looked at myself and I could see my face was still red and swollen and damp from crying, but it scared me because my eyes were bright red. I watched myself looking at me for a bit and then I shrugged and walked by to the chair, picked it up and beat it into the floor, shattering it.
Everything seemed to be getting darker and I could hardly see. The words came back and I saw myself look up at them and they were replaced by a picture of my wife and kids. They were all playing and the kids seemed older. They were running around on a path in some mountain, and the kids were yelling "Hike, Hike, Hike" with Meva leading the way. After a bit, Ryan started yelling, "Daddy, Are You? and looking around. Meva and the kids began looking for me and they all turned around and looked out of the image at me and began calling to me and waving. I watched myself watch this, wiping more tears from my face, and then I walked into the picture.
Everything else went black and then the words started to appear again, this time in front of me and I realized I was sitting in a chair. At that point I woke up. I was exhausted, had tears in my eyes, and I just felt terrible. I still do.
If you're into dream interpretation, there's a lot there to comment on. I see it myself.
I find it interesting that I had that dream and in reality my family isn't calling me. I really wanted, despite everything, to make sure they were OK and doing well, but they just aren't calling me, and when I do call them, it's a pretty short call in which it seems they are eager to get off the phone. So be it I suppose.
Nothing in the dream, no matter how terrible, makes me regret the choices I made. I know they were the right one for me and that everything I did it for and everything I thought would come of it seems to be beginning. The sooner it starts, the sooner I'll be through with it too, and that's what I am waiting for.
Rage & Legacy
I think I am a mess. An absolute and total mess.
I have so many emotions and memories fighting inside of me and influencing my mood and thoughts I am just barely able to function each day. Depression isn't even close to how am I feeling right now. In everything I feel and think, there is such a powerful and emotional intensity that rages within me. I spend the days fighting this and they end with me mentally and physically exhausted.
I'm not ashamed to say that the things my sister told me the night my mother died bothered me. Even though I believe that my mother now knows the truth of how I feel, I'm hurt that there was a chance my final words didn't make it to her, and because of how mentally unstable she was she didn't get to here those words for the last time. My god does that bother me. I could live with it if I had dragged my feet and didn't send my goodbyes in time, but I sent them almost a week before she died and my sister never said anything to me, and I just don't like the reasons I come up with as to why almost 4 days had to pass before I called her on it and she then told me she didn't get it. Those were important days, the last days of her lucidity, and it taken not just from me, but also from her. I don't even know if it's worth going into right now, the reasons for that delay, as I think I it would just set my blood pressure rising even more and require me to take another round of meds to calm down, and I have had more than I wanted to already. I'll have to look at it another time, but I am steamed about it more every time I think of it, and that's something I haven't been able to push from my mind.
On top of everything, I find myself examining the meaning of legacy, both in my mother's life and what it means to myself and my sisters. It makes me want to just lock myself away and cry for hours. There is so little positive to pull out of this. All the memories of her life seem to just stack higher and higher into pile selfish failure. The fact that I think this hurts me and the fact that it is true, hurts me all the more. Despite the selfish, wicked, or ridiculous things that she did to me in my life, I always wanted better than that for her. I rooted for her to turn her life around and take advantage of the opportunities she had, but she just never let it happen.
That leads me directly into wondering about my Legacy and what I will be leaving to my kids. I get so scared thinking about this, thinking that I have done a poor job, and that like my mother I may end up with a longer list of failures and unused opportunities. It's unhealthy to think like this, but it's there when I'm alone or trying to go to sleep. It's made me see things in a new light and that's led me to the realization that despite what I previously thought in my life, I'm not afraid of dying. I am afraid of dying incomplete and unfulfilled. That's a biography that would shame me to leave to my kids, and yet right now I just think of all I've not tried and experienced, that I'll end up just like my mother.
And yet, despite being on the outs with her and not really having spoken to her for over a year, I miss her. As crazy as she made me, and as miserable and frustrated as I often was after talking to her, I still wish she was here. I wanted her to be my mother and to turn her life around, but she couldn't and when she died, that was one of the worst things I have ever felt in my life.
Oh yeah, my family has pretty much stopped calling me now. It's only been a few days now since my mother was cremated and they had services for her, but I think that this is how the fallout of my actions is going to be.....................silence. The trouble with it is that the longer it lasts, the easier it to get used to and the harder it is break through. And when I think about the negatives..........
I'll write more later.
I have so many emotions and memories fighting inside of me and influencing my mood and thoughts I am just barely able to function each day. Depression isn't even close to how am I feeling right now. In everything I feel and think, there is such a powerful and emotional intensity that rages within me. I spend the days fighting this and they end with me mentally and physically exhausted.
I'm not ashamed to say that the things my sister told me the night my mother died bothered me. Even though I believe that my mother now knows the truth of how I feel, I'm hurt that there was a chance my final words didn't make it to her, and because of how mentally unstable she was she didn't get to here those words for the last time. My god does that bother me. I could live with it if I had dragged my feet and didn't send my goodbyes in time, but I sent them almost a week before she died and my sister never said anything to me, and I just don't like the reasons I come up with as to why almost 4 days had to pass before I called her on it and she then told me she didn't get it. Those were important days, the last days of her lucidity, and it taken not just from me, but also from her. I don't even know if it's worth going into right now, the reasons for that delay, as I think I it would just set my blood pressure rising even more and require me to take another round of meds to calm down, and I have had more than I wanted to already. I'll have to look at it another time, but I am steamed about it more every time I think of it, and that's something I haven't been able to push from my mind.
On top of everything, I find myself examining the meaning of legacy, both in my mother's life and what it means to myself and my sisters. It makes me want to just lock myself away and cry for hours. There is so little positive to pull out of this. All the memories of her life seem to just stack higher and higher into pile selfish failure. The fact that I think this hurts me and the fact that it is true, hurts me all the more. Despite the selfish, wicked, or ridiculous things that she did to me in my life, I always wanted better than that for her. I rooted for her to turn her life around and take advantage of the opportunities she had, but she just never let it happen.
That leads me directly into wondering about my Legacy and what I will be leaving to my kids. I get so scared thinking about this, thinking that I have done a poor job, and that like my mother I may end up with a longer list of failures and unused opportunities. It's unhealthy to think like this, but it's there when I'm alone or trying to go to sleep. It's made me see things in a new light and that's led me to the realization that despite what I previously thought in my life, I'm not afraid of dying. I am afraid of dying incomplete and unfulfilled. That's a biography that would shame me to leave to my kids, and yet right now I just think of all I've not tried and experienced, that I'll end up just like my mother.
And yet, despite being on the outs with her and not really having spoken to her for over a year, I miss her. As crazy as she made me, and as miserable and frustrated as I often was after talking to her, I still wish she was here. I wanted her to be my mother and to turn her life around, but she couldn't and when she died, that was one of the worst things I have ever felt in my life.
Oh yeah, my family has pretty much stopped calling me now. It's only been a few days now since my mother was cremated and they had services for her, but I think that this is how the fallout of my actions is going to be.....................silence. The trouble with it is that the longer it lasts, the easier it to get used to and the harder it is break through. And when I think about the negatives..........
I'll write more later.
Friday, November 28, 2008
Transitions
Yesterday morning I got a call from my sister Teri. Sometime around 6:35am central time my mother finally passed away.
It hasn't been like I expected it to be, not at all.
Probably the most bizarre event is that I ended up talking to my father for over an hour. At this point, I don't even think I could mention very many specifics that we talked about, but for some reason we both just kept talking. I don't yet know how I feel about this, whether it was good or bad, but I find it definitely odd.
My mother's death, like her life was, is surrounded with drama. Instead of sadness, compassion, and celebration all I'm observing is that pain, judgment, and hurt are being passed out and around in the form of attacks, lies, delusions, and guilt. It's a shameful thing to see and I am saddened that I am related to it and involved in even the most minor degrees. Despite my opinions of my mother or the state of our relationship during the last few years of her life, I think she deserved better than this. These are the types of actions that underscore the reason for every decision I made these last few years.
I said the last time I wrote I expected that once my mother died, the drama would heat up and so would the anger or resentment about my actions. The first sign that this will very likely come true happened when one of my aunts verbally laid into my sister Traci for abandoning my mother during this last month of her life. I wasn't privy to this phone conversation, but I've been led to believe it was downright nasty. Regardless of whether she was right, my aunt should have kept her mouth shut as it was none of her business. Traci is an easy target for this type of attack, but what is the point of doing it? My mother is still dead, the past is still the same, and nothing has been ultimately changed other than to spread pain and hate around at a time when understanding and compassion are what is needed.
I'm sure my turn is coming, and although I hope to maintain a decorum in my behavior that will be an example to my kids on how to handle themselves, my deepest fear is that this will happen at a time in which I am unable to check emotions and filter my comments. I do not believe I would try to hurt some one's feelings, but my blunt manner and sharp wit often betray my best intentions.
Anyways, later in the evening, I finally called Teri back to check in on her to see how she was holding up. I'll never be able to express to her how much I appreciate what she has done over the last few months and that I think she brought a lot of peace, comfort, and contentment to my mother. And unfortunately she did it almost completely alone. It's nothing short of incredible and she absolutely deserves some time to herself.
Two things came out of my conversation with Teri that were upsetting to me. I hate to say it, but Teri told me that she doesn't think my mother understood what I had said to her in my letter by the time Teri had read it to her. Teri knew that I was sending that letter and did nothing to let me know she didn't have it for four full days! I had to inquire and force the issue. Apparently by the time that Teri did get it, my mother was already sliding to oblivion.
I am frustrated and hurt by this, hell I have to be honest and say I'm angry too, because I was told prior to her death that hearing from me was a big deal for her and then after she died Teri tells me that my mother died fully believing that I hated her and thought she was a scumbag. It's just ridiculous to me that as important as this apparently was to my mother, very little priority was given to see this though.
Teri pointed out directly that I should have called my mother and let her know I loved her and that I didn't hate her, that it would have given her peace upon death.
BULLSHIT!! That is absolutely not true. This is the second thing that upsets me and really pisses me off. It is an example of WHY I decided to stop talking to my mother. In all the conflicts and all the problems we had in our relationship I do not ever remember telling her I didn't love her. Even at my worst, when I behaved the poorest and shouted at her and called her names, I never once said or implied that I felt that way. I went out of my way to tell her that I did love her when we fought and when we got along. I would explain at great detail that unless she did something unholy evil to me, I would always love her. When she called me on my last birthday I again told her that I loved her even though I was upset.
She never believed me. Time and time again I would say it to her, but she would often question it. That was annoying and devastating. I stood by her as her son and my love was ignored or denied until she needed it, but then when she was done, it was forgotten and I had to profess to her again. My wife heard me have this conversation with her on a few occasions and said nothing to me other than the important thing is that I actually DO love her.
So, why would I believe that anything I did in the last few weeks would be different? Just because she was on her deathbed? Like it or not, she would not have believed it. She would have wanted me to prove it in some way, probably by coming out to see her, which I could not do in any way. Instead of it being an unconditional question of whether I loved her, I would have needed to prove it by meeting some condition of hers.
And this is the honest part I spoke of that will surely piss off family, but I truly do not regret my actions, especially over the past year. And I absolutely do not care if she died thinking that I didn't love her or that I thought she was scum. I never gave her cause to have those doubts and I know my actions stand-up to that test. And I also don't care because I know that where she is now, she has received the clarity to know the truth.
For those among us that she has left behind, you can choose to believe it or not. Those are your choices and you are responsible for making them and which ever one you choose has absolutely no affect on my belief.
It is now late and my children will need me tomorrow pretty early, so I need to rest for them.
It hasn't been like I expected it to be, not at all.
Probably the most bizarre event is that I ended up talking to my father for over an hour. At this point, I don't even think I could mention very many specifics that we talked about, but for some reason we both just kept talking. I don't yet know how I feel about this, whether it was good or bad, but I find it definitely odd.
My mother's death, like her life was, is surrounded with drama. Instead of sadness, compassion, and celebration all I'm observing is that pain, judgment, and hurt are being passed out and around in the form of attacks, lies, delusions, and guilt. It's a shameful thing to see and I am saddened that I am related to it and involved in even the most minor degrees. Despite my opinions of my mother or the state of our relationship during the last few years of her life, I think she deserved better than this. These are the types of actions that underscore the reason for every decision I made these last few years.
I said the last time I wrote I expected that once my mother died, the drama would heat up and so would the anger or resentment about my actions. The first sign that this will very likely come true happened when one of my aunts verbally laid into my sister Traci for abandoning my mother during this last month of her life. I wasn't privy to this phone conversation, but I've been led to believe it was downright nasty. Regardless of whether she was right, my aunt should have kept her mouth shut as it was none of her business. Traci is an easy target for this type of attack, but what is the point of doing it? My mother is still dead, the past is still the same, and nothing has been ultimately changed other than to spread pain and hate around at a time when understanding and compassion are what is needed.
I'm sure my turn is coming, and although I hope to maintain a decorum in my behavior that will be an example to my kids on how to handle themselves, my deepest fear is that this will happen at a time in which I am unable to check emotions and filter my comments. I do not believe I would try to hurt some one's feelings, but my blunt manner and sharp wit often betray my best intentions.
Anyways, later in the evening, I finally called Teri back to check in on her to see how she was holding up. I'll never be able to express to her how much I appreciate what she has done over the last few months and that I think she brought a lot of peace, comfort, and contentment to my mother. And unfortunately she did it almost completely alone. It's nothing short of incredible and she absolutely deserves some time to herself.
Two things came out of my conversation with Teri that were upsetting to me. I hate to say it, but Teri told me that she doesn't think my mother understood what I had said to her in my letter by the time Teri had read it to her. Teri knew that I was sending that letter and did nothing to let me know she didn't have it for four full days! I had to inquire and force the issue. Apparently by the time that Teri did get it, my mother was already sliding to oblivion.
I am frustrated and hurt by this, hell I have to be honest and say I'm angry too, because I was told prior to her death that hearing from me was a big deal for her and then after she died Teri tells me that my mother died fully believing that I hated her and thought she was a scumbag. It's just ridiculous to me that as important as this apparently was to my mother, very little priority was given to see this though.
Teri pointed out directly that I should have called my mother and let her know I loved her and that I didn't hate her, that it would have given her peace upon death.
BULLSHIT!! That is absolutely not true. This is the second thing that upsets me and really pisses me off. It is an example of WHY I decided to stop talking to my mother. In all the conflicts and all the problems we had in our relationship I do not ever remember telling her I didn't love her. Even at my worst, when I behaved the poorest and shouted at her and called her names, I never once said or implied that I felt that way. I went out of my way to tell her that I did love her when we fought and when we got along. I would explain at great detail that unless she did something unholy evil to me, I would always love her. When she called me on my last birthday I again told her that I loved her even though I was upset.
She never believed me. Time and time again I would say it to her, but she would often question it. That was annoying and devastating. I stood by her as her son and my love was ignored or denied until she needed it, but then when she was done, it was forgotten and I had to profess to her again. My wife heard me have this conversation with her on a few occasions and said nothing to me other than the important thing is that I actually DO love her.
So, why would I believe that anything I did in the last few weeks would be different? Just because she was on her deathbed? Like it or not, she would not have believed it. She would have wanted me to prove it in some way, probably by coming out to see her, which I could not do in any way. Instead of it being an unconditional question of whether I loved her, I would have needed to prove it by meeting some condition of hers.
And this is the honest part I spoke of that will surely piss off family, but I truly do not regret my actions, especially over the past year. And I absolutely do not care if she died thinking that I didn't love her or that I thought she was scum. I never gave her cause to have those doubts and I know my actions stand-up to that test. And I also don't care because I know that where she is now, she has received the clarity to know the truth.
For those among us that she has left behind, you can choose to believe it or not. Those are your choices and you are responsible for making them and which ever one you choose has absolutely no affect on my belief.
It is now late and my children will need me tomorrow pretty early, so I need to rest for them.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Family Sucks
The holidays are always tough considering the shitbag of experience that is my life with my family, but it's even worse during this time. It seems that many of them choose to use this as a time to behave in the worst ways, or to have this time to spotlight their poor choices and faults so that they can cry to the rest of us so that we can help "Save Christmas" for either themselves, everyone, or my personal favorite, the children.
So this leaves me in the dichotomy of hating the holidays, but wanting them be everything they weren't growing up. I admit this is depressing for me, and dealing with the change of seasons and the whole "holiday Depression Syndrome" itself doesn't make for good times for me.
This year I've been working real hard not to get sucked into to all of the usual patterns, tricks, and negativity of my family and the season. My intentions are to make this the first of many wonderful Christmas Holidays for my children. I may never be able to smother them with toys, but I will due everything I can to make them fun, magical, and as exciting as possible.
But this year it seems that my mother is going to die, or at least that's what I get from here camp. Since I'm not there I have no way of knowing exactly what is happening and I am sure my sister Teri is probably feeling over her head in dealing with this, but I've heard this before. Teri even pointed this out to me last week when she called me to say that at the time she wasn't doing well and that they don't know how much longer she has.
In another post I'll explain myself better, but last year I chose to pull away from her and stop communicating with her. As she has marched closer and closer towards death's door, this decision of mine has begun to weigh heavily on her and the rest of my family. What's being said and how it's being said, I don't have the faintest idea. I have to be honest and say that I don't really care. Despite the heat I continue to get, and heat that will surely rise after she is gone, I will not change my position.
For my family members who read this, and as well as anyone else, I did what I did to protect myself and my family. It may have taken me 38 years to reach the conclusion, but talking with my mother brings nothing good. There is usually only hate, and lies, and manipulation, all of which serve to hurt and burn me. I just got to a point in my life where I was no longer going to allow that to happen to me and have that in turn affect my children or wife. Period. It's not the popular choice, but it's the right choice.
So, I'm on the phone with Teri, listening to her tell me how badly my mother is doing, and I'm trying to offer the most support I can considering my position, but it's not really much help I'm sure. And I get the feeling that what Teri wants to say, and won't say, is that I need call my mother. As I said above it isn't going to happen. But I relaxed my boundary just enough and offered to write a letter for Teri to read to her.
That was tough for me to do, but I thought I was as fair and honest as I could possibly be. I never said anything negative about her and even praised her in spots for things she had done in the past. But it took a lot out of me, but I felt a bit better having completed it. I sent it to Teri and I heard absolutely nothing back from her. I don't know what was happening, so I called her at work to verify if she got it and she of course said it never arrived to her. So with Teri still on the phone I resent it a few more times until she verbally told me that she had indeed gotten it.
I told her to read it to her if she needed to, but that I didn't want to hear back from her. Teri got a bit defensive and told me that it was out of her hands and that if my mother wanted to call me there was nothing she could do to stop it. So I expect some kind of call at any time really.
I don't know for sure if my mother has even gotten the letter yet, but I feel that what I said in it has been passed around and now everyone appears to be upset with me. So be it. I've been prepared for this from the get go and all I can do is control how I react, not their behaviors. And I know it's going to get bad because it's already started. My nephew David, Teri's son, who is a teenager and prone to drama sent out a bulletin on MySpace for me telling me I am a horrible person and that he hopes I die.
Yeah, that family of mine sucks. I wish that there was really something horrendous I had done that would justify there actions, but there isn't. But I am going to try and get past this and let is not affect me. Every minute that I allow myself to be angry or sad is a full 60 seconds of happiness that I've lost. They've all taken a lot from me, but I refuse to let them take that too.
So this leaves me in the dichotomy of hating the holidays, but wanting them be everything they weren't growing up. I admit this is depressing for me, and dealing with the change of seasons and the whole "holiday Depression Syndrome" itself doesn't make for good times for me.
This year I've been working real hard not to get sucked into to all of the usual patterns, tricks, and negativity of my family and the season. My intentions are to make this the first of many wonderful Christmas Holidays for my children. I may never be able to smother them with toys, but I will due everything I can to make them fun, magical, and as exciting as possible.
But this year it seems that my mother is going to die, or at least that's what I get from here camp. Since I'm not there I have no way of knowing exactly what is happening and I am sure my sister Teri is probably feeling over her head in dealing with this, but I've heard this before. Teri even pointed this out to me last week when she called me to say that at the time she wasn't doing well and that they don't know how much longer she has.
In another post I'll explain myself better, but last year I chose to pull away from her and stop communicating with her. As she has marched closer and closer towards death's door, this decision of mine has begun to weigh heavily on her and the rest of my family. What's being said and how it's being said, I don't have the faintest idea. I have to be honest and say that I don't really care. Despite the heat I continue to get, and heat that will surely rise after she is gone, I will not change my position.
For my family members who read this, and as well as anyone else, I did what I did to protect myself and my family. It may have taken me 38 years to reach the conclusion, but talking with my mother brings nothing good. There is usually only hate, and lies, and manipulation, all of which serve to hurt and burn me. I just got to a point in my life where I was no longer going to allow that to happen to me and have that in turn affect my children or wife. Period. It's not the popular choice, but it's the right choice.
So, I'm on the phone with Teri, listening to her tell me how badly my mother is doing, and I'm trying to offer the most support I can considering my position, but it's not really much help I'm sure. And I get the feeling that what Teri wants to say, and won't say, is that I need call my mother. As I said above it isn't going to happen. But I relaxed my boundary just enough and offered to write a letter for Teri to read to her.
That was tough for me to do, but I thought I was as fair and honest as I could possibly be. I never said anything negative about her and even praised her in spots for things she had done in the past. But it took a lot out of me, but I felt a bit better having completed it. I sent it to Teri and I heard absolutely nothing back from her. I don't know what was happening, so I called her at work to verify if she got it and she of course said it never arrived to her. So with Teri still on the phone I resent it a few more times until she verbally told me that she had indeed gotten it.
I told her to read it to her if she needed to, but that I didn't want to hear back from her. Teri got a bit defensive and told me that it was out of her hands and that if my mother wanted to call me there was nothing she could do to stop it. So I expect some kind of call at any time really.
I don't know for sure if my mother has even gotten the letter yet, but I feel that what I said in it has been passed around and now everyone appears to be upset with me. So be it. I've been prepared for this from the get go and all I can do is control how I react, not their behaviors. And I know it's going to get bad because it's already started. My nephew David, Teri's son, who is a teenager and prone to drama sent out a bulletin on MySpace for me telling me I am a horrible person and that he hopes I die.
Yeah, that family of mine sucks. I wish that there was really something horrendous I had done that would justify there actions, but there isn't. But I am going to try and get past this and let is not affect me. Every minute that I allow myself to be angry or sad is a full 60 seconds of happiness that I've lost. They've all taken a lot from me, but I refuse to let them take that too.
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