As I wrote on my other blog, I'm in a real dark place in my life that I often refer to as a blue zone. Other than my wife, I work hard to keep this hidden from everyone because I want to be strong and helpful to anyone that needs me. It can be exhausting, but I love my friends and they are worth it in spades.
One of the worst things about being in this zone is the utter lack of motivation that rules my daily life. I find myself struggling to not just be happy, but to be content. I'm slowly losing interest in the things I often find bring joy to my life.
It's scary to even think about because this is a path that is so obviously dangerous. My psychiatrist seems t o want to treat me with nothing but medication, one of which I feel does absolutely nothing for me, and the other I think may actually be having adverse affects that are feeding into this latest round of the blue zone.
I find myself wanting to spend my days doing nothing, either sleeping or crying, or both. The funny thing is I hate naps and I hate crying, yet I fight these feelings and urges daily. It leaves me exhausted and mentally drained. I admit to being lost and not knowing what to do. I know I need help, but I don't know what kind. I feel myself fighting against my therapy and my psychiatrist, not intentionally, but because I feel so lost and overwhelmed I just don't know how to help them help me.
As I run things through my head over and over each day, I find myself wanting to embrace nature and challenge myself life never before. On my own, to get my bearings and center myself. I feel this is long overdue and just might provide enough solace to help me through this. I also want to go back to teaching and earn some money to make my family's life easier and more productive. Both are hard when you routinely lack the energy and motivation to even clean the front room.
To the few people who read this, I share my thoughts as a way to explain any distant or strange behavior you may have noticed. Please know it's my yolk and it's only something I can carry.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Saturday, April 12, 2008
The Clash Between Apathy & Guilt
Almost six months ago to the day, my mother was in the ICU fighting for her life with breathing problems. To make a long story short she hurt me and I felt betrayed by her actions after she recovered. You can read about that in detail HERE on my original post. I bring this up because this happened again in an almost mirrored sequence of events to the last time.
I feel extremely awkward at this time since I have almost completely removed myself from my mother's life after this last event. The only time I talked to her was when she called me last month on my birthday (despite knowing I didn't want to talk to her). I was very polite, but I gave one word responses and did not engage her in any way to further the conversation. I was enraged that she called me, because I knew she was aware of my wishes and I wasn't ready to talk yet.
The sad part is that through my counseling with Ivan, I was getting very close to the point that I felt I could have a conversation with her and present my feelings and positions without blowing up in a loud rage. Her phone call set it all back and she left Illinois and returned to Arizona to live with my sister Teri.
So here we are with my mother back in the ICU and unable to breath on her own, potentially close to death, and I am not on speaking terms with her. I may never get the chance to have that final conversation with her, and this is where the guilt begins to creep in. Make no mistake that I still deeply care for my mother and I do love her, but the events of our past have led to near dissolution of the mother-son bond. I feel very strong that she is responsible, wholly responsible, for that situation, but my morals and values are such that even if I were to come to a point that I told her I would never speak to her again I would still be grateful to her for giving me (and by extension my children) the gift of life. In addition I would still love her and continue to hope that she would correct her routine of bad choices and get her life turned back around.
Yet despite the above, I am quite apathetic to this current crisis. My wounds from the last one have not healed and even if she was back here I would be loathe to visit her or take on any responsibility because of the betrayal from the last time. The apathy wouldn't be over whether she lives or dies, and for the record let me state that I really do hope she makes it through this crisis, but over events and decisions that are currently being made. This apathy comes from the fact that I can't do anything about what she's going through because like an idiot she did not set up the living will I had been imploring her to do since she came off of life support. There is also the resistance I would get from the rest of my family and that their fighting would also render me powerless in this instance. Since I have no power or influence to assist for all the above reasons, apathy is now in effect. The end results will play out with out me.
This situation just makes me wish I would have had a better life growing up and a better family. Yet this is what I was given to work with and overcome, so it is what it is. Basically my family sucks is the mantra here. I feel that it is irrelevant what I say because no matter what I will be vilified for my comments, actions/inactions, and recent past and stance. To that I couldn't give much of a shit.
That last statement comes into play because once again my mother is on life support, which is against her wishes. When I talked to my sister Teri about this on Thursday night I felt she was rather defensive and a bit rude. She seemed upset that I had called to inquiry about situation and how I even knew about it. Despite that, I asked her three important questions:
How was mom doing?
Was she intubated and on life-support?
Did the hospital know what her wishes were?
Unless I find out otherwise, I will believe that my sister was just stressed out and frustrated with everything that she was now responsible for. Who wouldn't be?, I know I would. But I also got the impression that Teri felt I didn't have a right to be inquiring. She said nothing to this fact, but it was just an impression I divined from her tone and choice of words. None of the above troubles me beyond one point, and that was her answer to the third question.
I'll be blunt, I feel she lied to me. She said the hospital told her that since my mother didn't have a living will the hospital would make the decisions concerning her treatment and that there was nothing she could do about it. Although the Living Will and DNR laws do vary from state to state, I didn't imagine them being too much different from the laws of Illinois, which state that in the absence of a living will when the patient is unable to possess full mental capacity, decisions will be made for them by a spouse, or if one isn't available, then to the patient's children. Back here in Illinois that meant Teri, Traci, and I were the ones who would make the choices regarding her health and medical care. Unfortunately a majority rules and Teri and Traci were overcome with the emotional state of the situation and vetoed my desire to honor my mother's wishes.
But Teri led me to believe things were out of her hands and that she didn't have a right to make a choice. Well, after searching through a few thousand health statutes in Arizona's law records, I discovered that they are almost identical to those in Illinois and that Teri did have the right to make choices, yet she told me she didn't.
As soon as she told me that and I smelled a lie. I said nothing because arguing over the phone with her wouldn't have done anything but made things worse. She then got off the phone with me rather quickly; I think this was because she didn't want to hear my further questions nor come up with more lies if needed.
The saddest part is that I am apathetic to this situation and there was no need lie. Had she come forward with the truth I would have told her that she was the one in charge and that it was her call to make; that if my mother really wanted to avoid this, she would have taken care of this over 6 months ago (and had she created the living will in Illinois, it would have been honored by Arizona). Then I would have asked her if there was anything I could do for her. But she's very much like my mother and sees me the based on some sort of distorted image she's built up over the years instead of judging me by who I am and my actions.
This just serves to feed my apathy and add to my guilt. Apathy will win out because I've developed some finely detailed boundaries for dealing with my family. I'll still love my mother and if she ends up dying I will grieve her. I also try to believe that Teri's responses were more in line with ignorance of the law on her part, mixed in with her own (selfish) desires. I don't fault her for the latter because it's an incredibly weighty situation for anyone to deal with, and bless her heart she's going it alone.
In the end I will most likely be branded an asshole by people with stunted moral growth and emotional inadequacies. I really don't care though because I'm proud of how I've handled myself through this and of everything and since that's the only thing the only thing I can actually control, it is how I will judge myself.
I feel extremely awkward at this time since I have almost completely removed myself from my mother's life after this last event. The only time I talked to her was when she called me last month on my birthday (despite knowing I didn't want to talk to her). I was very polite, but I gave one word responses and did not engage her in any way to further the conversation. I was enraged that she called me, because I knew she was aware of my wishes and I wasn't ready to talk yet.
The sad part is that through my counseling with Ivan, I was getting very close to the point that I felt I could have a conversation with her and present my feelings and positions without blowing up in a loud rage. Her phone call set it all back and she left Illinois and returned to Arizona to live with my sister Teri.
So here we are with my mother back in the ICU and unable to breath on her own, potentially close to death, and I am not on speaking terms with her. I may never get the chance to have that final conversation with her, and this is where the guilt begins to creep in. Make no mistake that I still deeply care for my mother and I do love her, but the events of our past have led to near dissolution of the mother-son bond. I feel very strong that she is responsible, wholly responsible, for that situation, but my morals and values are such that even if I were to come to a point that I told her I would never speak to her again I would still be grateful to her for giving me (and by extension my children) the gift of life. In addition I would still love her and continue to hope that she would correct her routine of bad choices and get her life turned back around.
Yet despite the above, I am quite apathetic to this current crisis. My wounds from the last one have not healed and even if she was back here I would be loathe to visit her or take on any responsibility because of the betrayal from the last time. The apathy wouldn't be over whether she lives or dies, and for the record let me state that I really do hope she makes it through this crisis, but over events and decisions that are currently being made. This apathy comes from the fact that I can't do anything about what she's going through because like an idiot she did not set up the living will I had been imploring her to do since she came off of life support. There is also the resistance I would get from the rest of my family and that their fighting would also render me powerless in this instance. Since I have no power or influence to assist for all the above reasons, apathy is now in effect. The end results will play out with out me.
This situation just makes me wish I would have had a better life growing up and a better family. Yet this is what I was given to work with and overcome, so it is what it is. Basically my family sucks is the mantra here. I feel that it is irrelevant what I say because no matter what I will be vilified for my comments, actions/inactions, and recent past and stance. To that I couldn't give much of a shit.
That last statement comes into play because once again my mother is on life support, which is against her wishes. When I talked to my sister Teri about this on Thursday night I felt she was rather defensive and a bit rude. She seemed upset that I had called to inquiry about situation and how I even knew about it. Despite that, I asked her three important questions:
How was mom doing?
Was she intubated and on life-support?
Did the hospital know what her wishes were?
Unless I find out otherwise, I will believe that my sister was just stressed out and frustrated with everything that she was now responsible for. Who wouldn't be?, I know I would. But I also got the impression that Teri felt I didn't have a right to be inquiring. She said nothing to this fact, but it was just an impression I divined from her tone and choice of words. None of the above troubles me beyond one point, and that was her answer to the third question.
I'll be blunt, I feel she lied to me. She said the hospital told her that since my mother didn't have a living will the hospital would make the decisions concerning her treatment and that there was nothing she could do about it. Although the Living Will and DNR laws do vary from state to state, I didn't imagine them being too much different from the laws of Illinois, which state that in the absence of a living will when the patient is unable to possess full mental capacity, decisions will be made for them by a spouse, or if one isn't available, then to the patient's children. Back here in Illinois that meant Teri, Traci, and I were the ones who would make the choices regarding her health and medical care. Unfortunately a majority rules and Teri and Traci were overcome with the emotional state of the situation and vetoed my desire to honor my mother's wishes.
But Teri led me to believe things were out of her hands and that she didn't have a right to make a choice. Well, after searching through a few thousand health statutes in Arizona's law records, I discovered that they are almost identical to those in Illinois and that Teri did have the right to make choices, yet she told me she didn't.
As soon as she told me that and I smelled a lie. I said nothing because arguing over the phone with her wouldn't have done anything but made things worse. She then got off the phone with me rather quickly; I think this was because she didn't want to hear my further questions nor come up with more lies if needed.
The saddest part is that I am apathetic to this situation and there was no need lie. Had she come forward with the truth I would have told her that she was the one in charge and that it was her call to make; that if my mother really wanted to avoid this, she would have taken care of this over 6 months ago (and had she created the living will in Illinois, it would have been honored by Arizona). Then I would have asked her if there was anything I could do for her. But she's very much like my mother and sees me the based on some sort of distorted image she's built up over the years instead of judging me by who I am and my actions.
This just serves to feed my apathy and add to my guilt. Apathy will win out because I've developed some finely detailed boundaries for dealing with my family. I'll still love my mother and if she ends up dying I will grieve her. I also try to believe that Teri's responses were more in line with ignorance of the law on her part, mixed in with her own (selfish) desires. I don't fault her for the latter because it's an incredibly weighty situation for anyone to deal with, and bless her heart she's going it alone.
In the end I will most likely be branded an asshole by people with stunted moral growth and emotional inadequacies. I really don't care though because I'm proud of how I've handled myself through this and of everything and since that's the only thing the only thing I can actually control, it is how I will judge myself.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Numb
This is not an easy post for me at all, and even as I begin to write it I'm not really sure what I'll be saying or how much.
Anyone who has visited this blog knows that from time to time I have skirted around the issue of a deep dark family secret. It's the worst kind of secret and I need to vent specifically about it. As a result, this is potentially a post I may end up deleting, but I have to get it out there.
Easter evening I received a frantic phone call from my youngest sister. She was crying and in hysterics because she had finally decided to tell people that her father (my step-father from my mother's second marriage) had raped and molested her throughout the years. It started when she was 4 yrs old and he took her virginity and happened again when she was 8 yrs old.
She is a total mess and luckily she is getting counseling while she goes through this. I'm at a point where I am fixed with anger, confusion, hurt and concern. She was so emotionally distraught that it was hard to get any solid information about these terrible events, so it's left me impotent on how to act or what to do. I suppose patience and time will reveal the path I'll take throughout this time and how much I can help my sister.
This sister of mine has always had a tumultuous relationship with me because I didn't approve of her life choices. With this new information finally out in the open, the whole dynamic of out past has to be viewed in a different light. That won't be easy. I can only hope that she can find the strength to overcome this tragedy for herself, her marriage, and her children.
In the mean time I an waiting by the phone ready to offer any support I can give her. My years of teaching and schooling have given me a better insight into these types of cases and what the victims go through as they start to deal with these issues and I hope I can provide her with a compass or grounding to assist.
One of the things I am not feeling is survivors guilt or guilt in general. For one thing I wasn't aware of what was going on because I was a child, and two, since I was a child I would have been powerless to have stopped it. I just feel hurt that it happened at all.
Tomorrow I have my appointment with Ivan, which should be a doozy, I'm, hoping to be able to get some additional help in making sure I don't let my frustrations and anger get the best of me and lash out at my friends and family around me. Hopefully I'll have more to write about tomorrow.
Anyone who has visited this blog knows that from time to time I have skirted around the issue of a deep dark family secret. It's the worst kind of secret and I need to vent specifically about it. As a result, this is potentially a post I may end up deleting, but I have to get it out there.
Easter evening I received a frantic phone call from my youngest sister. She was crying and in hysterics because she had finally decided to tell people that her father (my step-father from my mother's second marriage) had raped and molested her throughout the years. It started when she was 4 yrs old and he took her virginity and happened again when she was 8 yrs old.
She is a total mess and luckily she is getting counseling while she goes through this. I'm at a point where I am fixed with anger, confusion, hurt and concern. She was so emotionally distraught that it was hard to get any solid information about these terrible events, so it's left me impotent on how to act or what to do. I suppose patience and time will reveal the path I'll take throughout this time and how much I can help my sister.
This sister of mine has always had a tumultuous relationship with me because I didn't approve of her life choices. With this new information finally out in the open, the whole dynamic of out past has to be viewed in a different light. That won't be easy. I can only hope that she can find the strength to overcome this tragedy for herself, her marriage, and her children.
In the mean time I an waiting by the phone ready to offer any support I can give her. My years of teaching and schooling have given me a better insight into these types of cases and what the victims go through as they start to deal with these issues and I hope I can provide her with a compass or grounding to assist.
One of the things I am not feeling is survivors guilt or guilt in general. For one thing I wasn't aware of what was going on because I was a child, and two, since I was a child I would have been powerless to have stopped it. I just feel hurt that it happened at all.
Tomorrow I have my appointment with Ivan, which should be a doozy, I'm, hoping to be able to get some additional help in making sure I don't let my frustrations and anger get the best of me and lash out at my friends and family around me. Hopefully I'll have more to write about tomorrow.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
The Void of being Orphaned
It's been exactly two weeks since my dad Lou died and I miss him dearly. That's not a surprise considering what he meant to me, but I didn't think the degree would be as strong as it is. Don't get me wrong, I haven't been stricken down with grief or remorse. In fact I think I think the last 8 years gave allowed me to appreciate and prepare for when that day came. To be on the safe side, I threw in an extra session with Ivan in case I needed it.
During this session, everything seemed to be going fine, discussing the impact of my loss and the void that now exists.Even Ivan agreed that I was doing well handling the situation. Then he through me a question that caught me off guard:
"Do I feel abandoned by Lou's death?"
In all my thoughts about loss and grief and trying to remember and honor him I never once thought about it in that way. It's burned at the back of my mind since then and when I'm alone I find myself really considering the ramifications of that. Initially I wanted to dismiss it, but I don't think I can.
Although this instance was just a natural end to his life, I am once again left with a fatherless void. I suppose the part that really gets to me is how my own father has abandoned me. The fact that he's alive and still not making any effort to fix our relationship. It's all a smack in the face to both myself and to Lou, who stepped in when my dad wouldn't.
I guess I'm saying that this is a bit harder for me than I thought it would initially be. Not only was I abandoned by my natural father, but to a degree I was also abandoned by my mother, albeit in a different fashion. She remained behind and I was the one who finally stepped back and stopped contacting her, but her actions from my childhood served as an abandonment because she was more interested in pursuing her own desires and interests instead of being a parent to me or my sisters. So when I think about it from that perspective, this is a difficult time.
So what are the lesson(s) I'm supposed to take away from all this? Yeah, that's the toughest one. It's obvious that I have to always remain constant in being involved in my kids lives and give to them what Lou gave to me and what my own parents never did.
I also keep coming back to one of the last things that Lou said to me. He told me to take care of myself and to take advantage of my youth, my health, and the time I had remaining. Slowly, that is lighting a fire in me to do the things I want to do with my life because when it is all said and done, I don't want to be regretting the things I didn't do like Lou did on his death bed. It reminds me of a quote that's attributed to Mark Twain that goes something like this:
"Twenty years from now you won't be regretting the things you failed at, you'll be regretting the things you never tried to do or make happen."
And that's where I'm at. It's hard to think about it and decide how best to honor the final wisdom that Lou passed on to me. I only wish I had a parent to talk to that I trusted.
During this session, everything seemed to be going fine, discussing the impact of my loss and the void that now exists.Even Ivan agreed that I was doing well handling the situation. Then he through me a question that caught me off guard:
"Do I feel abandoned by Lou's death?"
In all my thoughts about loss and grief and trying to remember and honor him I never once thought about it in that way. It's burned at the back of my mind since then and when I'm alone I find myself really considering the ramifications of that. Initially I wanted to dismiss it, but I don't think I can.
Although this instance was just a natural end to his life, I am once again left with a fatherless void. I suppose the part that really gets to me is how my own father has abandoned me. The fact that he's alive and still not making any effort to fix our relationship. It's all a smack in the face to both myself and to Lou, who stepped in when my dad wouldn't.
I guess I'm saying that this is a bit harder for me than I thought it would initially be. Not only was I abandoned by my natural father, but to a degree I was also abandoned by my mother, albeit in a different fashion. She remained behind and I was the one who finally stepped back and stopped contacting her, but her actions from my childhood served as an abandonment because she was more interested in pursuing her own desires and interests instead of being a parent to me or my sisters. So when I think about it from that perspective, this is a difficult time.
So what are the lesson(s) I'm supposed to take away from all this? Yeah, that's the toughest one. It's obvious that I have to always remain constant in being involved in my kids lives and give to them what Lou gave to me and what my own parents never did.
I also keep coming back to one of the last things that Lou said to me. He told me to take care of myself and to take advantage of my youth, my health, and the time I had remaining. Slowly, that is lighting a fire in me to do the things I want to do with my life because when it is all said and done, I don't want to be regretting the things I didn't do like Lou did on his death bed. It reminds me of a quote that's attributed to Mark Twain that goes something like this:
"Twenty years from now you won't be regretting the things you failed at, you'll be regretting the things you never tried to do or make happen."
And that's where I'm at. It's hard to think about it and decide how best to honor the final wisdom that Lou passed on to me. I only wish I had a parent to talk to that I trusted.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Updates and Projections
I'm facing a bit of a crossroads right now with many of the issues I've talked about here. It's hard sometimes to devote the time to thinking about them as it's much easier to not deal with things and focus on the regular issues that are pressing to my immediate family. Things like my kids, the bills, and finding a new job.
My sessions with my therapist continue to go well, and I'm thankful for them. I can't believe the peace that I get from the sessions. It's important because it helps me find a center and allows me to function better and see myself more clearly. It may not appear that way to those around me, but I know my train of thought and I know the difference between how I am processing my life before and after a therapy session. I also know how different it is now compared to how it was prior to starting these sessions.
So, after a bit of a lull, things have picked up in regards to some of the issues I've had and been struggling with. I think the easiest one to talk about first is my father.
I'd be remiss if I didn't use this space to say what I really feel about the man. I basically think he is a tortured man who is mostly a coward, definitely a liar, and a very good manipulator. I can see why he and my mother were attracted to each other when they were younger due to some serious overlap in those traits.
Now, before I go further I need to explain something a bit more than I have in past posts. Previously I've commented on some terrible dark secrets taking place in my childhood without ever going into detail as to what they were. As of this time, I'm still not going to do that. I will enlighten those that read this that I am not centrally involved in this; point blank it didn't happen to me. It still bothers me and it does influence my behavior. It is not even close to being the driving force behind my actions, but its there.
In recent developments, my sister Teri talked to my father about his knowledge of these dark secrets based on what he and I talked about. He lied to my sister about what he said to me. When I talked to him, he acknowledged that it happened, that he knew about it, and that someone else in my family was also aware (but he wouldn't name that person). When Teri asked, he downplayed the incident and completely fabricated what he said he told me. For whatever his reason is/was, it still pisses me off to no end. I'd like to punch him in his lying fucking mouth. Teri says she knew he was lying, probably because it's obvious, but it just sucks that at the age of 60 he still can't be a man and own up to the truth-----especially on a subject that doesn't directly involve him.
I am honestly at the point where I am ready to cut all ties with the man because I just don't see him as someone I even want in my life, and I also don't think he wants to deal with us anymore. I don't know how happy it would make him to know, but he's real damn close to getting that wish. I told Teri that I believe I have the energy in me for one more meeting with him and barring any surprise revelations or changes in his attitude, it could be the last time he sees me or hears from me.
Should I decide to cut him out of my life, I think I need to be honest and say that nothing is ever set in stone and unable to be reversed. But it's a path that won't allow for him to meet his grandkids or for me to speak with him again. That means that should a family get together happen I will diplomatically shun him and if he tries to talk to me I will be as polite and frank as I can in my reminder to him as to why I'm not talking to him.
There are two drawbacks to this form of action though. I want to have a relationship with both of my brothers. We've made small first steps to get this rolling; its too early to say how that would go if things could be repaired with my father. But with the two of us at odds, it's sure to make this harder. I would respect each of my brother's decisions if they didn't want to stay in touch. To them I expect they think my father has been a great dad to them, which by everything I can see, he has. Having me around as a perpetual destroyer of myth may be more than they're willing to handle for their selves and their children (whom I'd one day love to meet.)
The second drawback involves my kids. Although he's known about them since they were born and has supposedly visited their blog, he's made absolutely no attempt to get in touch with me or try to see them prior to my meeting with him last month. I'll be damned if I'm going to let him waltz in and take partial credit for anything to do with them by playing the part of the proud grandpa. They already have two grandfathers; my wife's dad and my adopted dad Lou Cicirello Sr, who I love dearly and was there for me with advice, love, and openness when I needed it most. To me and my kids, he is their grandpa, and we will always think of him as such.
In more succinct terms, my father is on the way out the door and out of my life on a train of his own actions and poor choices
That brings me to my mother, and that's a whole other bag of tricks right there. I've tried to be diplomatic and as fair as possible in dealing with her, and despite the emotions that come up, I'll still attempt this, but I'm also not going to pull any punches either.
First off I have no idea why she feels the need to have her cousin Jan read these posts to her over the phone. My mother is staying at her sister's house and she could just as easily read this on her own. It was different when she lived with my sister Traci and they didn't have internet access, but now it feels almost dirty, like two old ladies gossiping over the fence. I don't care if Jan sees this, or anyone for that matter, but the whole thing comes off as odd to me. And before anyone asks, all the information as to who looks at these sites is recorded for me and I can see that and a slew of other information about their visits.
I have not spoken to my mother since October 15th. It was a Monday and it was two days before I had my left hand reconstructed with pins and screws and other fun stuff, so I remember this vividly. I know she's been pestering my sister Teri about how upset she is that I haven't called. The funny thing is that I didn't call on Thanksgiving, I didn't call on Christmas, and then recently I didn't call on her birthday. It should be obvious I'll call when I'm damn good and ready to. One of her biggest concerns is that she believes she'll never get to see my kids again. I'll be completely honest here and say that is absolutely a possibility. Nothing has been decided about that yet and it's nothing I've been specifically thinking about either, so it's not like I'm leaning one way or another. That's something I'll have to examine more at a later date.
I'll be honest and I'll say that those dark secrets of my past have something to do with this stance I have with my mother, but it's far from comprehensive. There are so many other issues that I have with her, it's not even funny. Frankly I find it offensive that she would think she's entitled to anything from me at all at this point. For those who may not remember or haven't gotten any specifics as to why I have these issues with my mother, let me remind you that these are things that happened as a child and a young adult and even as an adult. She's lied to me about reasons for borrowing money, she's stolen money from me by writing bad checks on a checking account I had (that she was listed on for emergency purposes), as a child there were several instances when she beat me with large objects like baseball bats and motorcycle helmets, she blatantly favored my younger sister Traci over Teri and I to such dangerous levels that we ended up becoming homeless due to her not paying rent and other bills that she could have afforded based on her income at the time, belittled me in front of her friends and our family members for situations that she caused, her role in the whole "Dark Secret" issue which I still haven't been able to get a full absolution of, repeatedly telling me and my sisters that we were a burden and that she wished "I never had you fucking kids," strangely that would often happen whenever we'd do something that was either a normal kid thing or something that would interfere with her attempts to go out or go after a man, and then finally there was her betrayal at the hospital.
That's all really the tip of the iceberg and I could go on with more and more nasty stuff, but I'm really not trying to piss on her. Sometimes I need to vent a bit and recite some of the many things she's done in the past. It is a necessary and healthy part of my therapy. The reason for this is that she's not a very nice person. Her actions speak louder than any words she has ever said. Even to this day she continues to be a burden to her kids and family when she's at an age (59) in which she should be working and living on her own. And despite her issues that inhibit her, she doesn't make any real attempt to correct this. As a parent the last thing I would want to do to my kids is to take away their freedom to live their own life and instead have to take care of me when I'm at an age and health in which I should be taking care of myself. All of that is really the issue for me.
I've seen her use my sisters kids like peons, having them get everything for her so she doesn't have to get out of her chair. I've seen her directly counter the wishes and desires of my sisters in disciplining and raising their kids, and manipulating them. She plays favorite with the kids too. Her hold over my nephew David is so strong that he was floored to hear that I actually love my mother. He literally had to be convinced that this wasn't a lie because he said that's not what his grandma has told him. I don't know how that happens or comes up, but its very existence is sad and damaging to me.
What it boils down to is that if I take the fact that she is my mother out of the equation, this would not be the type of person I'd want to associate with, let alone expose my kids to. But when you make this person my mother, then the results are that much more damaging and dangerous to all those around her.
So where am I? I don't know. I feel that I am in a losing situation no matter what I do. I'm going to wrap this up because it's late and I have a psychiatrist appointment in the morning and I need some sleep at least. In the end I have some really shitty parents. Parents who have lied, manipulated, and in some cases stolen from me and I just don't know if it's worth it to continue to have that stress in my life or to expose my children to them.
The point of this blog is and has been to be an outlet for me to discuss my feelings without interruption. It's important that I say this from time to time so that it reinforces my motivation to those few family members I have that read this. And just as I said when I started this blog, once I am at a point that I feel at ease with these issues, this blog will be going away.
My sessions with my therapist continue to go well, and I'm thankful for them. I can't believe the peace that I get from the sessions. It's important because it helps me find a center and allows me to function better and see myself more clearly. It may not appear that way to those around me, but I know my train of thought and I know the difference between how I am processing my life before and after a therapy session. I also know how different it is now compared to how it was prior to starting these sessions.
So, after a bit of a lull, things have picked up in regards to some of the issues I've had and been struggling with. I think the easiest one to talk about first is my father.
I'd be remiss if I didn't use this space to say what I really feel about the man. I basically think he is a tortured man who is mostly a coward, definitely a liar, and a very good manipulator. I can see why he and my mother were attracted to each other when they were younger due to some serious overlap in those traits.
Now, before I go further I need to explain something a bit more than I have in past posts. Previously I've commented on some terrible dark secrets taking place in my childhood without ever going into detail as to what they were. As of this time, I'm still not going to do that. I will enlighten those that read this that I am not centrally involved in this; point blank it didn't happen to me. It still bothers me and it does influence my behavior. It is not even close to being the driving force behind my actions, but its there.
In recent developments, my sister Teri talked to my father about his knowledge of these dark secrets based on what he and I talked about. He lied to my sister about what he said to me. When I talked to him, he acknowledged that it happened, that he knew about it, and that someone else in my family was also aware (but he wouldn't name that person). When Teri asked, he downplayed the incident and completely fabricated what he said he told me. For whatever his reason is/was, it still pisses me off to no end. I'd like to punch him in his lying fucking mouth. Teri says she knew he was lying, probably because it's obvious, but it just sucks that at the age of 60 he still can't be a man and own up to the truth-----especially on a subject that doesn't directly involve him.
I am honestly at the point where I am ready to cut all ties with the man because I just don't see him as someone I even want in my life, and I also don't think he wants to deal with us anymore. I don't know how happy it would make him to know, but he's real damn close to getting that wish. I told Teri that I believe I have the energy in me for one more meeting with him and barring any surprise revelations or changes in his attitude, it could be the last time he sees me or hears from me.
Should I decide to cut him out of my life, I think I need to be honest and say that nothing is ever set in stone and unable to be reversed. But it's a path that won't allow for him to meet his grandkids or for me to speak with him again. That means that should a family get together happen I will diplomatically shun him and if he tries to talk to me I will be as polite and frank as I can in my reminder to him as to why I'm not talking to him.
There are two drawbacks to this form of action though. I want to have a relationship with both of my brothers. We've made small first steps to get this rolling; its too early to say how that would go if things could be repaired with my father. But with the two of us at odds, it's sure to make this harder. I would respect each of my brother's decisions if they didn't want to stay in touch. To them I expect they think my father has been a great dad to them, which by everything I can see, he has. Having me around as a perpetual destroyer of myth may be more than they're willing to handle for their selves and their children (whom I'd one day love to meet.)
The second drawback involves my kids. Although he's known about them since they were born and has supposedly visited their blog, he's made absolutely no attempt to get in touch with me or try to see them prior to my meeting with him last month. I'll be damned if I'm going to let him waltz in and take partial credit for anything to do with them by playing the part of the proud grandpa. They already have two grandfathers; my wife's dad and my adopted dad Lou Cicirello Sr, who I love dearly and was there for me with advice, love, and openness when I needed it most. To me and my kids, he is their grandpa, and we will always think of him as such.
In more succinct terms, my father is on the way out the door and out of my life on a train of his own actions and poor choices
That brings me to my mother, and that's a whole other bag of tricks right there. I've tried to be diplomatic and as fair as possible in dealing with her, and despite the emotions that come up, I'll still attempt this, but I'm also not going to pull any punches either.
First off I have no idea why she feels the need to have her cousin Jan read these posts to her over the phone. My mother is staying at her sister's house and she could just as easily read this on her own. It was different when she lived with my sister Traci and they didn't have internet access, but now it feels almost dirty, like two old ladies gossiping over the fence. I don't care if Jan sees this, or anyone for that matter, but the whole thing comes off as odd to me. And before anyone asks, all the information as to who looks at these sites is recorded for me and I can see that and a slew of other information about their visits.
I have not spoken to my mother since October 15th. It was a Monday and it was two days before I had my left hand reconstructed with pins and screws and other fun stuff, so I remember this vividly. I know she's been pestering my sister Teri about how upset she is that I haven't called. The funny thing is that I didn't call on Thanksgiving, I didn't call on Christmas, and then recently I didn't call on her birthday. It should be obvious I'll call when I'm damn good and ready to. One of her biggest concerns is that she believes she'll never get to see my kids again. I'll be completely honest here and say that is absolutely a possibility. Nothing has been decided about that yet and it's nothing I've been specifically thinking about either, so it's not like I'm leaning one way or another. That's something I'll have to examine more at a later date.
I'll be honest and I'll say that those dark secrets of my past have something to do with this stance I have with my mother, but it's far from comprehensive. There are so many other issues that I have with her, it's not even funny. Frankly I find it offensive that she would think she's entitled to anything from me at all at this point. For those who may not remember or haven't gotten any specifics as to why I have these issues with my mother, let me remind you that these are things that happened as a child and a young adult and even as an adult. She's lied to me about reasons for borrowing money, she's stolen money from me by writing bad checks on a checking account I had (that she was listed on for emergency purposes), as a child there were several instances when she beat me with large objects like baseball bats and motorcycle helmets, she blatantly favored my younger sister Traci over Teri and I to such dangerous levels that we ended up becoming homeless due to her not paying rent and other bills that she could have afforded based on her income at the time, belittled me in front of her friends and our family members for situations that she caused, her role in the whole "Dark Secret" issue which I still haven't been able to get a full absolution of, repeatedly telling me and my sisters that we were a burden and that she wished "I never had you fucking kids," strangely that would often happen whenever we'd do something that was either a normal kid thing or something that would interfere with her attempts to go out or go after a man, and then finally there was her betrayal at the hospital.
That's all really the tip of the iceberg and I could go on with more and more nasty stuff, but I'm really not trying to piss on her. Sometimes I need to vent a bit and recite some of the many things she's done in the past. It is a necessary and healthy part of my therapy. The reason for this is that she's not a very nice person. Her actions speak louder than any words she has ever said. Even to this day she continues to be a burden to her kids and family when she's at an age (59) in which she should be working and living on her own. And despite her issues that inhibit her, she doesn't make any real attempt to correct this. As a parent the last thing I would want to do to my kids is to take away their freedom to live their own life and instead have to take care of me when I'm at an age and health in which I should be taking care of myself. All of that is really the issue for me.
I've seen her use my sisters kids like peons, having them get everything for her so she doesn't have to get out of her chair. I've seen her directly counter the wishes and desires of my sisters in disciplining and raising their kids, and manipulating them. She plays favorite with the kids too. Her hold over my nephew David is so strong that he was floored to hear that I actually love my mother. He literally had to be convinced that this wasn't a lie because he said that's not what his grandma has told him. I don't know how that happens or comes up, but its very existence is sad and damaging to me.
What it boils down to is that if I take the fact that she is my mother out of the equation, this would not be the type of person I'd want to associate with, let alone expose my kids to. But when you make this person my mother, then the results are that much more damaging and dangerous to all those around her.
So where am I? I don't know. I feel that I am in a losing situation no matter what I do. I'm going to wrap this up because it's late and I have a psychiatrist appointment in the morning and I need some sleep at least. In the end I have some really shitty parents. Parents who have lied, manipulated, and in some cases stolen from me and I just don't know if it's worth it to continue to have that stress in my life or to expose my children to them.
The point of this blog is and has been to be an outlet for me to discuss my feelings without interruption. It's important that I say this from time to time so that it reinforces my motivation to those few family members I have that read this. And just as I said when I started this blog, once I am at a point that I feel at ease with these issues, this blog will be going away.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Quandries and Insomnia
The whole issue of being bi-polar has really been weighing on me for the last two weeks. I was really set against it, for all the reasons I elaborated on in my last post, but my therapist put an interesting spin on the entire issue when she hinted that I might never be able to deal with my out standing issues and depression unless I have that checked out and determine if I indeed have that and exactly to what extent it is effecting me. There must have been something to that because in the days following my last session with her, I've really dwelled on that and it's got me curious enough to proceed for the time being. To that end I've arranged for a meeting with a psychiatrist on the 31st of this month.
Despite that, I'm not happy about this. It may be pride, or ignorance, or a mixture of both, but I find this prospect to be demeaning and it makes me even more depressed. Instead of having a self image of strength and power, I feel broken and empty as a result of this. In many ways it feels like I've opened Pandora's Box and I've been swallowed by apathy. It has become an almost impossible struggle to just complete each day's tasks and responsibilities. I'm at a point where I just want to be happy and healthy, but the harder I try to get to that point, the more I discover problems. I truly feel alone in a way I've never felt before.
My bouts with insomnia continue and I find myself wondering about my family. Although my therapist says I've made great strides, I still feel an incredible amount of anger at both my mother and my father. Sometimes I sit up at night in my chair, pondering everything they've done to me its all I can do to keep myself in check and not let out a giant yell or search for something to break.
The problems with my mother are deep, too deep for me to fully explore even here. The worst part is that I'm at a point in which I'm forced to wait patiently as other pieces of that game are played before I can move again. Yes that's cryptic, but I do have family who read this and until the past is brought to light, I have to be guarded.
My father presents his own unique set of problems. It's been about a month and a half since I talked to him and I keep playing the whole conversation over and over in my head. I realize that from the very first exchange I was in shock by what he said and even how he looked. Of course as he continued to open his mouth and spit out lies and surprises I truly found myself at a loss and unsure of exactly what to say or do. His revelation that he knew about the ..... dark parts of my childhood, still leave me bewildered by his inaction. For me that has redefined him to the point that I feel I have more in common with a bear than I do him. I can't ever accept his reasons or excuses and I feel I need to tell him this in no uncertain terms and let the chips fall as they may.
On the other side of all this, I've now had contact with both of my brothers. I'd truly love to talk to them more and possibly rekindle our relationships, but I'm concerned the rift between my father and I may not allow this. No matter how horrible and despicable my father was concerning me, he was the exact opposite to my brothers. Where I may loathe him, they will rightly love and admire him. I don't know if they'll ever be able to accept how I see him. So I go back and forth with wondering whether or not I should pursue these relationships until I've had a chance to talk to my father one last time.
Despite that, I'm not happy about this. It may be pride, or ignorance, or a mixture of both, but I find this prospect to be demeaning and it makes me even more depressed. Instead of having a self image of strength and power, I feel broken and empty as a result of this. In many ways it feels like I've opened Pandora's Box and I've been swallowed by apathy. It has become an almost impossible struggle to just complete each day's tasks and responsibilities. I'm at a point where I just want to be happy and healthy, but the harder I try to get to that point, the more I discover problems. I truly feel alone in a way I've never felt before.
My bouts with insomnia continue and I find myself wondering about my family. Although my therapist says I've made great strides, I still feel an incredible amount of anger at both my mother and my father. Sometimes I sit up at night in my chair, pondering everything they've done to me its all I can do to keep myself in check and not let out a giant yell or search for something to break.
The problems with my mother are deep, too deep for me to fully explore even here. The worst part is that I'm at a point in which I'm forced to wait patiently as other pieces of that game are played before I can move again. Yes that's cryptic, but I do have family who read this and until the past is brought to light, I have to be guarded.
My father presents his own unique set of problems. It's been about a month and a half since I talked to him and I keep playing the whole conversation over and over in my head. I realize that from the very first exchange I was in shock by what he said and even how he looked. Of course as he continued to open his mouth and spit out lies and surprises I truly found myself at a loss and unsure of exactly what to say or do. His revelation that he knew about the ..... dark parts of my childhood, still leave me bewildered by his inaction. For me that has redefined him to the point that I feel I have more in common with a bear than I do him. I can't ever accept his reasons or excuses and I feel I need to tell him this in no uncertain terms and let the chips fall as they may.
On the other side of all this, I've now had contact with both of my brothers. I'd truly love to talk to them more and possibly rekindle our relationships, but I'm concerned the rift between my father and I may not allow this. No matter how horrible and despicable my father was concerning me, he was the exact opposite to my brothers. Where I may loathe him, they will rightly love and admire him. I don't know if they'll ever be able to accept how I see him. So I go back and forth with wondering whether or not I should pursue these relationships until I've had a chance to talk to my father one last time.
Friday, January 11, 2008
One More Thing
As I've continued through this little journey of mine, I've had my shares of ups and downs, which I've tried to share here on my blogs. I think overall I've handled things well and made great strides. Hell, I'll even go so far as to give myself credit and say that I don't think most people could handle my affairs with the success and aplomb that I have.
Despite this, recently Meva has grown increasing concerned over my behavior. My recent bouts with insomnia and sleep got her to thinking and she had me go through a test and believe I may be bi-polar, suffering from a less dramatic sequence of manic episodes. She'd like me to meet with a psychiatrist a drug program to help control my manic episodes.
It's not a shock that I'm not too thrilled about this latest turn. My whole point in going to counseling was to heal by confronting my past and my family that have served to be huge debilitating issues that reach from the past into the future. Suffering from bi-polar disease would be another hassle for me to deal with at a time in which I already have a full card. It's really more than I want to tackle right now, and here's why.
The test Meva gave me isn't definitive, but its portent is strong. What would happen next would be a more thorough interview with a psychiatrist who will evaluate me and then begin prescribing a series of drugs to deal with this. Obviously there will be side effects to whatever I'm prescribed, but it's worthless to think about at this time. What concerns me is that finding the right combination and mixture of drugs isn't always easy and often requires many visits and adjustments to whatever cocktail they come up with. Again, more hassles that will make my already difficult schedule even more hectic, not to mention the costs of the office visits and pills.
Overall, what concerns me the most is the effect the drug treatment will have on my mental capacity. The last thing I want is to become sluggish, dull, and unable to focus. It can get to a point that you no longer feel like yourself anymore and I've heard stories about it really making people apathetic to everything.
This is the exact type of development that could interfere with my counseling and progress, let alone my mind in general. Could it effect my writing, either in desire or proficiency? I don't know. This is what I'll be weighing over the next week or so. Getting "better" at the potential cost of losing myself is a difficult decision to make and one I'll need to research more.
Despite this, recently Meva has grown increasing concerned over my behavior. My recent bouts with insomnia and sleep got her to thinking and she had me go through a test and believe I may be bi-polar, suffering from a less dramatic sequence of manic episodes. She'd like me to meet with a psychiatrist a drug program to help control my manic episodes.
It's not a shock that I'm not too thrilled about this latest turn. My whole point in going to counseling was to heal by confronting my past and my family that have served to be huge debilitating issues that reach from the past into the future. Suffering from bi-polar disease would be another hassle for me to deal with at a time in which I already have a full card. It's really more than I want to tackle right now, and here's why.
The test Meva gave me isn't definitive, but its portent is strong. What would happen next would be a more thorough interview with a psychiatrist who will evaluate me and then begin prescribing a series of drugs to deal with this. Obviously there will be side effects to whatever I'm prescribed, but it's worthless to think about at this time. What concerns me is that finding the right combination and mixture of drugs isn't always easy and often requires many visits and adjustments to whatever cocktail they come up with. Again, more hassles that will make my already difficult schedule even more hectic, not to mention the costs of the office visits and pills.
Overall, what concerns me the most is the effect the drug treatment will have on my mental capacity. The last thing I want is to become sluggish, dull, and unable to focus. It can get to a point that you no longer feel like yourself anymore and I've heard stories about it really making people apathetic to everything.
This is the exact type of development that could interfere with my counseling and progress, let alone my mind in general. Could it effect my writing, either in desire or proficiency? I don't know. This is what I'll be weighing over the next week or so. Getting "better" at the potential cost of losing myself is a difficult decision to make and one I'll need to research more.
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