Anxiety, Socializing, and Friends

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I received a comment today about what I wrote yesterday. The swiftness aside, I was really floored that someone was able to make sense of that I wrote due to all the typos. They were bad, but they have since been dealt with.

So last night among many things I mentioned that I feel alienated and ostracized and after reading it I think I should just devote some time to talking about that specifically. Many people who read it expressed concern over this and we are having many dear friends come over on Saturday, so I feel I should explain it:

First an foremost I am not currently depressed of suffering from it. I do not feel lonely. And as such I am liked away bellowing out sad piano ballads amongst piles of empty wine bottles and dirty kids. I am fine.

Well as fine as any new40 year old male is after realizing he isn't going to hit a HR to win the World Series, Become an astronaut, spy, actor, or President. I am glad on all those stereotypical accounts just for the sheer fact alone that I don't think I would have found Meva, so it worked out well there

What my voice was saying is that when I get stressed or anxious and have difficulty focusing or following certain rules (people aren't food, it's never OK to maim,,,,,,) My mind seriously flies about everything that goes on in my mind and as a result I shared some of them.

That being said I've heard from more than 7 people about that last one and let me explain something: The original words are fueled by that said same anxiety and like much of this blog that are unfiltered. So if you're one of those people, just stop reading because it's not for you.

But the truth of the situation is that I am feeling a bit alienated. There are so many difficulties and obstacles for all of us that it is so very hard to get together, I think we all know that. But the fears and frustrations that I let out concerned fundamental truths about my social life and who I interact with.quite franky I adhorr it.

I find myself missing out on simple get togethers or notinvited to get togethers or chances to learn and grow, but for what ever reason those things never happen. And yeah it sucks because no matter how great my family is, I need some time to just go out by myself.

My best buddy lives too damn far for us to do much of anything and I've just about lost touch with those around me. Some are busy with this part of my life, a part I went through myself, so I know to give them space right now.

But there are options, there always are. I have friends, albeit busy, they have time to do things, but those things are always without me. I've asked to join, offered to just be there and observe and there were never responses or returns.

The life I have is such that I already have plenty to do and that's what I focus on.

I sincerely hope that helps

There's a sign up ahead.

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For the last 5 plus months I've had some anxiety issues that I needed help with. Without boring everyone here with a 5 month time line of events that are really only interesting to me and those crazies who will read this when I am gone.

I was taking an anti-anxiety pill called Ativan at 1milligram strength as I needed them, until they ran out.. My math may be wrong, but it's about 4 time as powerful as a Klonopin. However, after I stopped taking them my stress, frustration, and anxiety all returned in full and tried to deal with it alone. Well, enough is enough, and I started a new plan today. Although I am not anxious or nervous or anything at the moment, I am a bit tired and restless this first night. We'll see how things go for a few weeks and make an assessment.

One of the most immediate things this (being relaxed) is allowing for me tonight, is to just make a list of what's been getting on my nerves, hopefully with out using names, but I might deem it necessary later. So, I'll just make a list and some lines might be briefly explained, some might not have anything., so let's give this a try:

1. I'm still pissed off at Tim Doran. Regardless of being a positive parental role model for my wife and kids, I'm going to fight him if I get the chance. I'll never get that money he owes me, but that type of dangerous and extreme reaction Will make me feel much better. Any compensation after the said beating would almost get rid of this anxiety that creeps up at me every week
2. My wife is a priestess of Zoroaster. For every thing about her that stresses me or gets under my skin she is doubly effective at giving me strength, security, and unconditional love. We love passionately and strongly and that causes stress, frustration, and anxiety all on their own. But those same traits lead to great reconciliations. I wouldn't have it any other way.
3. My family has the power to destroy whole days and weeks with their lies and shennangins and manipulations. No matter how much I try to divest myself completely of them for the rest of my life, I can't. SO I know I will always be open Getting shit on at various times. That's fine, I know special way to handle them.
4. The absolute biggest threat to me is our finances. It weighs on me every single day; it is always in the back of my head when I am trying to focus during the day, and it single handily keeps me from sleeping. It often sends me into uncontrollable fits of shaking and heavy heart pounding. Everyone has those issues too, so I fell guilty in the end for not dealing with this better.
5. This feeds into the above with the above. Despite that we are keeping a step ahead, I feel weak and sad that I am not contributing in some monetary fashion We are so limited by Meva's work schedule, which prevents me from getting any type of even part time job, and the few I've pursued have balked. So, I bring this pressure all on myself.
6. I mentioned family before, but I'm going to mention two people again, that's Traci and my mother (This isn't a usual rant about her). Keeping this short, Teri paid for Traci and her daughters to come down and help out during her last weeks or months. By all accounts it was a bust, with Traci taking my mother's medication that she used for end stage pain management and becoming a threat and hazard to everyone around her. Two weeks prior to my mother's passing she moved hack to Illinois, but she couldn't afford the money for her oldest daughter, so she left her in Teri's care. Well its still a big mess that weighs on me because it is similar to and worse than the transient lifestyle of my childhood. Traci is going from cheap hotel room to the next, to loose friends and questionable elements all around. TO top it off, her behavior over the last few weeks strongly suggest that she is hitting what ever drugs she's doing very hard since she received her income tax money..My worry and stress is about my nieces. Should they survive this lifestyle, there are other deadly elements that are much closer and with easy access to two pretty little girls for whatever deviant desire they lose control of or give in to? I then become frustrated with my mother, because of all the battles her and I fought about concerning Traci and that the opportunity to teach her how to break this cycle and be able to take care of her self and family was now, not later. The fates of my nieces frustrates me and gets me to the point where I am shaking and going through anxiety attacks., It's just not something I can always work with on my own.
7. I quite honestly feel alienated, of ostracized by my friends. I need companionship and company from time to time. But it is dead. My socializing has come almost to a standstill. I'm saying this because I feel I'm always avoided or excluded from activities or when I try to initiate something, it just doesn't come together. So I'm left feeling no one is interested in anything I suggest and things that other's put together exclude me. I've tried to politely show interest in whatever it is, only to either be told the something won't work with me or the room is immediately filled with regret and hesitation that is never hidden enough for me not to feel it, so I detach from the project or activity on my own. I'm not looking for fucking pity, so unless someone generally wants me there, I'm not going to be the off number! I know having kids effects my perceived availability, but they aren't attached to me all the time. In the end I feel like I've become the equivalent of a facebook friend.

Its' too early/late and I need sleep and get up in a few to take the trips to story and dance time at the library, I have more and I'll post them tomorrow or later today.

Father

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Many people in my life know that I've had problems with my father for so many years now that all I've ever said is that he wasn't a part of my life and that I always considered Louis Cicirello as my Dad because he was there for me when my own father wasn't.

This is something that took place over 27 or so years growing up. Lou influenced me, guided me, inspired me, and if you knew him (or caught a lecture), you understand that man could frustrate me! But I absolutely loved him and for years I openly pointed to him as my father and professed my love for him. And when I talk about my father, it is equally important to understand this about me.

After losing both Lou and my Mother in less than 9 months, my father unexpectedly called me and wanted to be a part of my life! Yeah, I was floored. Absolutely blindsided. This wasn't something I thought would ever happen. I believed it so much that the night before he called my wife and I were talking about my relationship with him and she wanted to know what he could possibly do at this point. I told her, as frankly and honestly as I could, that "All he needs to do is to just make an attempt to get in touch with me and tell me he's not happy with the way things are, and that he wasn't to work on that and have me be a part of his life." But I also said I don't think it will ever happen. Of course he calls the very next morning saying pretty much that exact thing.

This was two months ago and we've averaged talking at least once a week. It's been awkward at times for both of us I think, as well as his wife and my brothers, but I think everyone is trying to go forward with a fresh start and committed to making this work. That is all I've ever wanted from him.

But if you've read any of my blogs, specifically this one, you know that I have been openly critical and angry at him over the past. I know that some people on his side of the family have read them and our upset and concerned as a result.I can totally appreciate that, because the things I wrote were very harsh and critical of him and his actions. I have no doubt that they are/were hard for them to read and it hurt them. I respect that, but I also respect myself and my right to feel anyway I do. But how I feel isn't indicative of how I think or how I act, or even what I dream of. While I won't take back the things I said, I have chosen to work past them and build a new, stronger, father-son bond from this point forward.

None of the above means I am forgetting the past or even excusing it. But the only way I can understand it, and then hopefully put it behind me, is to move forward with the best intentions and maybe wear his shoes for awhile. I know there will be nothing that will absolve him of his actions, and I don't necessarily think he is looking for that. A great example of this is something he told me recently which made perfect sense for some of the choices he made, but when I look at it as an adult, and as a father, I will always believe he should have chosen differently. But definitely understand where he came from and how someone could make the choices he did as a result.

One of the things we have talked about in regards to the two of us is the importance of my mother. It was her death that I feel ultimately lead to him reaching out to me. I felt that from the beginning. And as we talked about the past and the present, something came out that explained a lot to me, or to put it another way, it moved a curtain and allowed me to see something I couldn't see before. He said that source behind many of his decisions was that he didn't want to have my mother involved in his life.

I know that feeling all too well. My mother could be difficult and spending time with her wasn't easy, rarely relaxing, and often forced a person to keep their guard up, and this is coming from her son! I can only imagine how much more intense it might have been for my father.

Telling me that brought me closer to him. I understood him and could easily relate to the pressures and obligations he was under when having to deal with my mother. It kept me away from here at the end of her life, so I can easily see him making that choice himself. I still don't agree with it, but understanding makes a world of difference and that is the reason I choose to go forward and learn and not stay in the past and judge.


I had originally planned on writing about being 40 again but as I got into it I decided I couldn't avoid thinking about something else that I have been putting off talking about here for quite awhile, so my getting old, rocking chair rant will have to wait. I'm going to talk about my father.

After years of conflict and tension I now have a relationship with my father and it's a positive one. I never really expected this to happen and it is mind boggling to be in this position.


A year ago I would have doubted this ever happening, but it is today's fact.

We Interrupt This Angst To Bring You More Angst

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Normally I talk about things, events, and people that are bothering me in one fashion or another and they're almost exclusively family members. I'm going to take a step back and try to do some introspection about myself because quite frankly, I'm bothering me.

I briefly mentioned this on Desultory Views, but I think this is a better venue to get more indepth. Turning 40 is bothering me, but not for the normal reasons. I don't think it's the midlife crisis type of crap that I see and hear others go through. I've got no desire to prove my youth with promiscuity or idiotic behavior. I don't need to defy death or laugh at danger. If anything I feel very satisfied and complete along those lines. So as usual there is this bizarre Chuck spin to things.

It's taken me a bit to pin point what is bothering me, and as I've gotten closer to my birthday I've had a tougher and tougher go of, well, things I guess. I'm having quite a bit of trouble relaxing or sleeping. I feel constantly on edge. Not really restless, but more anticipating and waiting for something unpleasant to happen. The most direct result of this is my lack of patience. Generally speaking it can be damn near nonexistent at times, especially in the face of stupidity, ignorance, and poor behavior from others, but lately I find that I am almost embracing a discord of laothing. I hate that and all the unpleasantness and negativity it breeds.

But at night I find myself just wanting to be alone, but I don't want to go to sleep. It's the only time I have quiet and some sense of calm and it invites reflection, which I notice I am subconsciously avoiding with distractions of any kind. As I try to fight this insomnia monster with mental discipline (failed), structure (failed), and even medicine (failed), I fear the prolonged affects of my defeats are taking their tole on me physically and if I am honest, emotionally too.

My eating habits are piss poor and I spend my mornings feeling like a zombie as I pump myself with enough caffeine to possibly raise the dead (or Dick Cheney! Hahahahaha. I'm trying to not be so somber here---work with me) and by then the late afternoons and evenings find me jumpy, grumpy, and suffering. I'm artifically stimulated from the caffeine that I need in the mornings at this point and it gets my mind racing and leaves me anxious.

I spend my time trying to avoid thinking about two very distinct, but kind of related things: accomplishments and appearance. I think about myself at 40 and I don't feel like I've accomplished much aside from college, donating sperm, and babysitting. Yeah, I know that's an extremely negative view, but if I could avoid that I wouldn't be posting now and trying to work through it now would I?

The issue of appearance is simple, I am out of shape and it disturbs me. There are the obvious health reasons, but I find myself thinking of how embarassed my children will be by having a fat daddy. God it stresses me out and fills me with shame, self-loathing, and anger like I rarely experience. And to make matters worse, I keep this bottled up. Solutions are obvious, but the paths to them have once again become daunting and difficult.

And then there is the lack of accomplishments. As rewarding as staying at home with the triplets is, it is also mind-numbingly boring. I often find myself feeling like a horse that has been put to pasture after he can no longer compete. It doesn't help that money is extremely tight and working would help us out tremendously. So I find my mind wandering, looking at myself and where I'm at and what I've accomplished. Quite frankly its not enough and its obviously not fulfilling.

So coupled with my reservations on my appearance and hitting the milestone of 40, the lack of sleep, the anxiety, and stress that I've been bottling is starting to show itself physically. From aches and pains, to headaches and migraines, to nausea, and anxiety type panic attacks, I feel a total mess. There are times, most often when everyone has gone to sleep for the night or when the triplets are down for a nap, that my hands just shake, and my heart races, and I feel like everything is caving in on me. In the back of my mind I keep hoping that it will all pass once I turn 40 and I am past that and can see that everything really is ok. But even then I doubt I'll feel better because the truth is that regardless of age, what's bothering me has nothing to do with how old I am, but whether or not I've been as productive as I think I should.

So I hope that everyone who has undoutedly picked up on my mood swings, distance, or lack of patience will understand and not take this personal as I work through this.

Why

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My last post mentioned the newly discovered popularity of my blog. I was more concerned with explaining the changes I was making as a result of this rather than addressing new issues that have come from it. I am prepared to do that now.

The primary focus of the blog has been relationships, specifically my relationship with my mother and my father, but I have also touched upon my wife, my sisters, my aunts, and my brothers. At least that's what I remember of the top of my head. And each time I've written about them, the context if thoroughly based on my perceptions. Guess what, it's my blog, so why wouldn't it? But the thing is that each examination is really an opportunity to focus my thoughts into something workable and nondestructive.

That means that when I come across as bitching and moaning, I am doing just that. What's different is that I am courageously doing what most of us never do, and that is I am airing my thoughts as I have them, unfiltered, unscrutinized, and unapologetically there for myself, and others, to see. I do this because I have the penchant to ignore my feelings and leave issues unresolved, allowing them to fester in until they come out in the most unhealthy ways, often directed at people who had nothing to do with anything. So instead of having cross words, or writing emails and letters that are completely uncalled for and mean-spirited, I can go back and look at what I wrote and organize my thoughts and feelings into a healthy response.

If you can't understand this, or the logic and reason behind this, then I would challenge you to get your head out of your ass and try acting mature.

I find currently myself at a crossroads in my life (sorry for the cliche) transitioning from a life with my mother to one without it. While you can never fully be prepared emotionally for this, I at least saw this coming ahead of time. Despite this, I made the decision not to cave in to pressure from my family and continue my distance from my mother and basically not talk to her, although in her final days I did write her a letter that she probably wasn't able to read, hear, or understand. I am OK with that. It's not what I would have liked to have had happen, but that's how it ended.

As her death has passed, I've taken slings and shots over my decision not to "forgive" her and talk to her and tell her I loved her. My sisters and aunts had a hard time with this, and I can totally appreciate that. They weren't ready for my mother to die at such a relatively early age, and quite frankly neither was I. Things were said that weren't helpful and were taken as mean and hurtful, but I choose to believe they were unintentional and I have to believe that they were all still so very said and hurt over the loss of my mother. I think any mature adult would be able to forgive some ill-spoken words that came out of that time. I know I have.

However, there have been hushed comments and whispers that remain long after what I deem to be an appropriate amount of time for people to get themselves together. Whether it is these hushed remarks or hate-filled emails from misanthropic and hubris filled, emotionally stunted people is irrelevant. I think, since this blog is also serving other people, that I should explain myself a bit on the subject of my mother and why I didn't talk to her during her final days.

My mother betrayed me. That's how this came to pass. Click on the link to read how (or refresh your memory) because I'm not going to summarize it here. What she did was horrible, and she acknowledged that in a phone message she left for me. But if you knew her you also know that she didn't have a clean slate up until that time, it was just the final straw in a history of abuse, neglect, and manipulation. I'm not trying to bad mouth her now that she is gone, but I'm also not going to lie and pretend these things didn't happen either.

So, once she betrayed me, I decided I wasn't going to keep her in my life. I wasn't going to make a huge speech or grand statement declaring my intentions and burn bridges in the process, I just pulled back, refused calls, and didn't initiate anything. The only plan I had was to make sure I didn't allow her to hurt me again. Those closest to me applauded this decision and to this day I know it was the right one.

Since then, I've been asked by many people what my mother could have done to make me change my mind. My wife, my friends, my therapist Ivan, and even my father have all wanted to know. I think it's important to acknowledge this question and answer it here, because it is the absence of these actions by her that allowed me to continue my distance and silence into the rest of her life.

As I recently told my father, I do no regret my actions or decisions. My mother could have shown me that she was truly sorry for what she had done by removing the burden and responsibility of forcing her children, let me be more specific and just call it accurately and say Teri, of having to anguish through making decisions that she should have made on her own. She had over a year to set her affairs in motion, to sign a living will, to request a DNR status, and to name Teri the medical power of attorney. She also had that time to secure life insurance so that Teri and her sisters were stuck paying for her death arrangements.

She didn't.

My mother lost me in her life indirectly because of how not taking responsibility for that can hurt and affect those you love. Yet she did nothing, or to be fair, if she did I wasn't aware of it. At the very least, I know that with the exception of getting life insurance, she didn't need money to take care of her loved ones.

As much as I loved her, and I absolutely did love her, this characterized her life. She always looked for someone else to be responsible for her. Emotionally, socially, and financially, she never had accountability. Even up to the end, I prayed every night for her, and hoped that she would finally take action and for once do what was right. But we know she didn't. So how could I accept her back into my life when I knew exactly what was coming?

My niece and nephew can hate me for taking this stance, so can anyone else. But they didn't have to listen to all the pain and torment in my sister's voice when she told me about how much she suffered trying to do right by my mother. My sister Teri loves them both far too much to have let them hear the hurt, the pain, and the fear in her voice while she second guessed herself and her actions. My sister was a true hero and I don't think my mother deserved the selfless devotion that Teri gave to her. But I heard how tore up Teri was over whether to keep my mother alive by a machine yet dead in her soul.

I have seen my sister go through some tough times in her life, but I have never heard her so low as the she was then. That wasn't fair to her. It could have been avoided. But my mother choose not to. That's why I didn't change my mind. That's why I do not regret my actions or choices. I loved my mother, but I could not support what she was doing. I love my sister and I am so sorry that she went through that, and hell she's probably still hurting from that.

So to anyone out there that wants to judge me, that wants to attack me or comment on me. You go ahead. I stood by and supported the right decisions.

Popularity

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If this is your first time visiting, you really need to start reading from the beginning. You can't possibly hope to understand the perspective and motivation for this blog without starting there. You can easily get to the beginning either from the sidebar, or by clicking here. Thanks.
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Apparently this blog has become popular with quite a few people. It is being talked about and shared, discussed and debated. Or so it sounds like to me. Unfortunately this is not a good thing because the content isn't something most people are able to deal with. To that end, I have made a few changes which I am hoping will help. The first is a better description of the blog and how to read it, which now appears at the sidebar. I've also decided that I need to include a disclaimer at the beginning of every post. It's cumbersome and annoying for both the reader and for me as I write, but it has to be here.

But this blog, while finite, is not going anywhere until it has run its course. I don't regret anything I've written and I'm not embarrassed either. I will continue to write posts and further examine my feelings and thoughts about a wide number of issues that I am dealing with. This is a positive tool for me and while I don't expect my detractors to agree or understand, they should know that without this outlet I would be quite confrontational and prone to hurt others. Perhaps I shouldn't be the only one thinking and examining their feelings, as well as those of others, after each post.

So, those are the changes and those are the reasons why. Hopefully this won't be too cumbersome.

Hello???...............I'm not listening

The passage of time since my mother died is making this adjustment easier on me. Luckily (i think ) I had a tooth and gum infection set in shortly after wards that required some seriously extensive surgery to get rid of the tooth and fix the damage that was necessary to make to get it out. Anyways, that equaled plenty of pain and has taken my extra time to focusing on that after I do things for the wife and kids here.

So, thinking about her has lessened to the point I expect that very soon I will have my first day and possibly longer with out thinking about her. Both will be sad and welcome relief.

But I've not stood still throughout all of this. I am beginning to think about what my life's philosophy is and I am beginning to re-examine my outlook. I expect this will be a personal spiritual quest. I don't have much beyond that to share, so I will wait until that time to share it here.

I talked to two family members in the last week. My sister Teri and I talked for most of the hour. I still feel real bad for her because even though most of the things that need to be done are done, she's still exhausted and bewildered with her new life and that of her children. She also got a promotion at work that should help to make her life easier both financially and socially (with new hours). But she's still very angry, hurting, and it's going to be awhile before she can come to peace with all her feelings. She's just not ready to heal and let go of the pain yet and even then who knows what her mind set will be like.

I also got a call from my Aunt Gail today, kind of out of the blue. Teri mentioned to me that Gail wasn't doing well, which if you remember I said was obvious after Gail's telephone conversation with Traci. Gail and I talked about it, and of course Gail had a different perspective that didn't sound nearly as bad as what I was previously told was accurate--- no big surprise there. I took the quick way out and said that I didn't know what was said and didn't want to because it changes absolutely nothing. People are still upset about it (and the reasons they talked about it), nothing from the past has changed, and my mom is still dead.

But I think that Gail's reason for calling was to try and see how I was and just get a gauge of what I was thinking and feeling, which is to be commendable. She specifically said she didn't want to call earlier because she didn't know what to expect.

I was really caught off guard with this, due mostly to the pain I am in and the meds I am on.....I was unfortunately not on the top of my game (and because of that I think I did wonderfully since there was no fighting). But I don't remember exactly how we segued into different topics, but she brought up the division between my mother and I right before her death. I think she did a good job of not getting to judging me too much, but she was still a bit condemning of my actions. I had a chance to fire back about her own issues over a similar situation between her and my grandfather when he died and how that experience doesn't relate here, but with the risk of alienating her and causing her more pain or strife, I just repeated to her what I was upset about and why my actions were chosen. I actually started my reply by politely saying that it wasn't anyone's business but my mother's and mine. That all being said, Gail still went and made excuses for her and showed no understanding or even respect for me.

Next she began talking about my kids and how I need to be careful about letting things affect them through me and not to be poisonous and filled with vitriol when telling them about her. I tried very hard to focus on her motivation here, because I truly think she wanted to be helpful and protective. I am going to have to work to get past those comments because that actually really pissed me off. Regardless of being a parent, I am a much better human than to act like that. It's insulting to me to have someone, a relative especially, think so little of me that they think they're doing me a service. They have no previous recorded behavior to base that assumption on and have very little experience or knowledge of how I raise my kids, so it's fucking pathetic to me to take that stance. I'll get over it because I believe her heart was in the right place, but it just goes to show how much that they have no idea about who I really am, as well what my outlooks are on probably anything.

As I would tell Ivan my therapist, those are her issues to get over with, I just need to learn how to react to her and keep myself free from that type of shallow assumption making and conversation, which is about 85%-90% of how things are handled.

I won't be seeing Ivan until after the holidays, but one of the things we are going to work on and look at, is my desire to really break ties with all of my family once and for all. I don't want it to be a huge explosive battle when it happens, I'd much rather have things fade without commotion than anything else. We'll see.